iwantcontrol,
There are happy endings, but I believe they all involve a good deal of work for both parties. My story with my husband has a happy ending, but ours is FAR from typical for alcoholic relationships.
My husband hasn't had a drink since January 19, 2009, and is doing so without the help of any program. He started here at SR for a few months, and that was enough support to get him on his way. I guess "no program" isn't exactly right, he has his own program. It involved recognizing what it means to be an adult man in a marriage, an equal partner, and then doing everything he can to be that man. Basically he just stopped making excuses for himself and grew up. Thanks to some evidence of the tasteless things he did on his last binge (which he didn't remember doing, but the evidence is undeniable) he finally realized what his drinking was really doing, and how easily it could lead to the end of our marriage.
His recovery also involved me hitting a wall and not being willing to put up with any more. I told him he had to grow up and figure it out, cuz I'd been trying to help him figure it out and be happy for 11 years, and it obviously wasn't working. I handed responsibility for his happiness back to him, and told him I would not continue to tolerate the kinds of things he had done that day, that if he continued on this path we would end.
Then I started to figure out just how codependent I am. I started going to al-anon meetings and sorting out my stuff too. I went for a few months, and then life got in the way. But I continue to apply the principals I learned there, and I constantly work to be less codependent.
We used to consider ourselves a great couple, a finished product....we now consider ourselves a work in progress. Our relationship is always evolving, we are always learning better ways to be, and we are getting better every day.
I think the most important thing I've had to learn is that I only have control over me. He is going to do what he's going to do. I may be lucky enough to influence his decisions, if he lets me. But really that's up to him. I have to be strong enough to know what I will and will not tolerate from him, and willing to walk away if he's not willing to comply with that. As much as I love him I think I've got that part now.
I also had to stop worrying about what was happening with everyone else's relationships. What's going on in YOUR relationship? Is he doing what YOU need him to do to heal your relationship? If he's not, are you ready to walk away? Are YOU doing what you need to heal yourself?
Over the years when he had tried to quit or cut back we couldn't talk about it, because that made him think about it, which made him crave it. I couldn't ask how he was doing, I couldn't talk about the hurtful things he'd done (and still not apologized for), I couldn't talk about what to do in situations where there would be drinking and how we would handle that.....I had to almost act like alcohol didn't exist.
This was how I knew it was different this time.....we talk openly about it and have since January 20. We can talk about any of it, all of it, no topic is off limits. In fact, we had to talk about it that week because my company had a party where there was alcohol.....we were able to discuss an escape plan for him if he just needed to get away from it, or if he was really stressed we could leave. That was a conversation that wouldn't have been possible before. Even a few months after he quit, when he had a bad day and my gut was all in knots all day cuz usually that would mean I'd come home to him already drunk......even then I was able to talk to him about it and work through that painful flashback without it causing a fight. And he was able to express that it felt like I didn't trust him to not drink, that it hurt him. That was the moment I knew we'd be OK, the day we could talk about it all, even the present pain that came from years of alcoholic/codependent behavior, and neither of us got defensive or angry.
I'm telling that story because it worries me that you can't talk about this with him without it starting a fight. It's been my experience that no matter what the problem in the relationship is, open communication is absolutely essential to fixing it. If you can't talk to each other about it how can you possibly heal the damage it did to your relationship?