Any happy relationship stories out there?

Old 12-17-2009, 01:24 PM
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Any happy relationship stories out there?

Does anyone have any 'happy endings' so to speak, where your alcoholic partner has sought help and got through it, and your relationship survived?

I am a newbie here and have only been with my alcoholic boyf for 6 months. He is currently in a day program and his drinking has cut down but he is supposed to be totally abstinent on the program. He is probably drinking about 3 or 4 days a week now, but not getting completely off his head like he was before. He has become quite grumpy and withdrawn but he says that is because he is going through a lot of changes and talking about difficult subjects at the moment. He has mental health issues and depression and is trying to work out if he is truly just an alcoholic or if he self-medicates for depression.

I have been reading lots of info about alcoholism, codependency etc and read loads of forum posts on SR, but I haven't found many happy stories of alcoholics recovering and the relationship surviving. I truly want my relationship to work and don't want to give up on it just yet, but I can't help but think it just isn't going to work after reading a lot of these posts. There must be some happy stories?
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Old 12-17-2009, 01:57 PM
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My late ex mother-in-law gave my ex father-in-law an ultimatum regarding his drinking. He stopped and although he didn't use a program, he never drank again. Their marriage seemed happy to me.

I gave the same ultimatum to my exah in fall of '08 after I 'hit the wall' and couldn't stand his drinking anymore. He moved out in order to continue drinking and we divorced a few months later.

Although al-anon is opposed to ultimatums, they let you know where you stand.
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Old 12-17-2009, 02:21 PM
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There are "Happy Endings"

But not all of them as you would see in a movie with the couple remaining together surviving all, and the A never drinking again . . .

We have some that go to AA and manage their disease while their partner never seeks recovery

We have some that go to AA, don't stay but the partner seeks help in Al-Anon and learns to live with the active disease

We have some that both embrace programs of recovery and have a recovery relationship

Yes there are some that One partner enters recovery and the other partner doesn't - it becomes to painful, unhealthy and unsafe to remain in the relationship. The one must step out of the way, let the other follow their destructive path - One must save themselves.

All of these are Happy Endings - Maybe not the BEST Ending - But Happy - Why because each of us has the opportunity to make a CHOICE about what is right for US - what makes us able to live Life on Life's terms

How I can live Happy, Joyous and Free - Just for Today

I hope this answers your question - I hope that you will seek help for you thru Al-Anon and other recovery programs - to help you seek what is the answer for YOU - what is your choice!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-17-2009, 02:36 PM
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I have a happy beginning... I have not had a drink in 141 days. Prior to that my parents did not enable me too much. They supported me to the extent that I had a roof over my head (though at the time I think they were really looking after my cats and did no relish the idea of me pushing them around in a shopping cart). Fortunately they were in a financial position to do so. I have resumed a caring, loving and respectful relationship with them and the few friends I had left. I am currently studying for a professional exam that will open alot of doors, as well as fixing my credit. Every day I don't drink because I know the possibility of another downward spiral is not what I want. I've seen my parents take excellent care of my 100 year old Grandmother; I want to be there for them as they age. I've realized that perfection really doesn't exist in the real world and that I can happily settle for excellence and relate to others in a constructive meaningful way. The ending was a mess, but the beginning is wonderful for me. I actually look forward to getting up most mornings.
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Old 12-17-2009, 02:39 PM
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I am the drinker and early this year my wife gave me an ultimatum to get sober, stay sober or get out.
It has only been about a year but I am doing what she wants and our relationship is stronger because of it and my desire to drink is gone.
I promised her I would do it and so far, with the help of SR I am becoming the man that she deserves. I know a year is not a long time and I don't know if an ultimatum is a wise thing but I do know that it is the push that I needed and for that I am thankful.
Perhaps SR could help him get to where you both want to be together.
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Old 12-17-2009, 04:23 PM
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We found a couples aa/al anon group in our area. All of the couples who attend are currently together and they've told us that there has been no break ups of any members who regularly attend those meetings. It is special in that it allows both sides of the story, in an open forum of sharing and communication. I had the most authentic conversations in months during and after those meetings with my H. Those couples decided to stay together, work through sobriety and say that they are happier than they ever have been. Each also work their own recovery individually and many have been in the program for many years.

If you're looking for a happy ending where the couple stays together, those folks at that meeting are a testament that it can happen. Was it easy, linear, challenge-free? Nope, I know that from when they share their stories. It's not how every story ends; I'm sure those who haven't stayed together can also have happy endings, just defined differently. The delusion is really trying to make the unworkable work because of fantasy or expectation. We need to make our decisions grounded in the reality of what we're looking at.

I am still together with my spouse, after almost a year of sobriety. Am I happy? Sometimes. Are we happy? Sometimes. Can I say everything is fixed? Not one bit. We have new challenges but for the moment we've decided to keep trying for the sake of our 2 yr old. We love her dearly and she helps to bring us closer, but as a couple we are struggling. We feel that we'll give it a bit longer to see if we can rekindle what brought us together and define a new relationship in sobriety. But I can say, I'm more happy than sad, and happy that I have more peace and love in my household than ever. I'll take it for now.
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:43 PM
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My brother is a classic alcoholic, hit bottom, got divorced, etc. He remarried my sister-in-law a year or two later, and they've been together 16 years since then. If you met them you wouldn't guess their history. Their kids are in their late 20s and are productive members of society, so to speak.

This isn't to minimize any of the pain they all went through, but there are good endings.
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Old 12-18-2009, 06:36 PM
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My grandfather was an alcoholic and took Cocaine and speed when he was a member of parliament to be able to write speeches and stay up for long periods at a time. (Funny, I was also a Cocaine addict and an alcoholic). My grandmother pushed him to stop for years and he did - after twenty years. He stopped the Cocaine after he retired as a politician and they were happy together for their remaining years together.

My uncle was an alcoholic and suffered from sexual addiction as well. His wife tried to push him to stop, but never got anywhere with him. She then detached from him, started doing her own things, got herself a job, made her own friends, started a travel group. They started living together again when my uncle started AA. They are still together, just bought a new house and their relationship is based on mutual respect and a deep loving friendship.

My great-grandfather was an alcoholic and had the worst sexual addiction I have heard of. He had about 19 children with 13 different women a part from his wife and mistress. After my great-grandmother died, he stayed loyal to his mistress and had a bunch of kids with her as well, but late in life he stopped drinking and they had a good relationship afterwards.
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Old 12-19-2009, 08:47 PM
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Like the others said, there are some happy endings where both partners commit to self improvement. I see a red flag in that your boyfriend has not given up even though he has been asked by whatever program he is in. I don't want to give you false hope.

After the first time my husband's drinking became daily binges, I saw a counsellor and made changes to how I behaved, my husband cut right back to what I would call reasonable social drinking. The counsellor warned me that if he truly was an alcoholic, the daily binge drinking would return unless he abstained. She was right. It took three years but eventually he was back to daily binges.

I went to Al-Anon. At that point, I told him he could continue to drink because I realised I could not control his behaviour, but I would not live in the house with him anymore if I saw him drunk again. He agreed to this boundary. Two months later he was drunk in the house because frankly if he could control drink, I would never have had to have that conversation.

I called the lawyer, he called AA and I have not seen him drunk for one year now. To my knowledge he had one beer this past year which made me anxious to hear but so far it doesn't look like he is going back in for another turn on the merry go round. The marriage is going well. I'm calmer then I ever have been. The reality is that my husband may return to drinking but thanks to Al-Anon I know that if that were to happen, I wouldn't drop to my knees screaming: NOooooooo! I'd accept reality and figure out the next step. Whether you stay with your ABF or not, I think Al-Anon is fantastic.
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Old 12-19-2009, 09:32 PM
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The people who live behind me are the local ICONS
of what a recovery based relationship can be.
They both have over ten years sober,
they've applied the Principles in all their affairs...

they're best friends,
and still in love.
They've healed their relationships
with their ex'es
and their kids....

it's a wonderful image of hope.
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Old 12-20-2009, 04:58 AM
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Thanks for all your stories. It is nice to see that there is some hope out there! I'm finding it hard at the moment because I so want to have some hope that thigns can work out, but I need to be realistic too and just see what happens. I know I need to learn to deal with whatever is going to happen and make sure that I will be OK, but part of me is just clinging onto the thought that he will stop drinking so it'll all be fine.

To Icant - about giving me false hope - It helps to hear what you said about the program asking him to give up whilst on it and the fact he is still drinking. Things like that get lost in amongst everything going on so that I just accept it as the way it is now. I'm tired of talking about it with him as it just causes arguments and him saying that he is trying his best. Maybe that is the point though - his best just isn't good enough, or more to the point I don't think he is trying his best at all because if he was he wouldn't be drinking anything. Or is that too harsh? I'm jsut getting so confused and sick of trying to analyse things.

Started writing a blog though which is helping in getting my thoughts out, as I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. Too ashamed to talk to my friends or family about it as it just isn't the sort of thing they have experience of or would understand. PM me if you'd like to read it....

Last edited by GiveLove; 12-21-2009 at 11:19 AM.
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Old 12-21-2009, 07:01 AM
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iwantcontrol,

There are happy endings, but I believe they all involve a good deal of work for both parties. My story with my husband has a happy ending, but ours is FAR from typical for alcoholic relationships.

My husband hasn't had a drink since January 19, 2009, and is doing so without the help of any program. He started here at SR for a few months, and that was enough support to get him on his way. I guess "no program" isn't exactly right, he has his own program. It involved recognizing what it means to be an adult man in a marriage, an equal partner, and then doing everything he can to be that man. Basically he just stopped making excuses for himself and grew up. Thanks to some evidence of the tasteless things he did on his last binge (which he didn't remember doing, but the evidence is undeniable) he finally realized what his drinking was really doing, and how easily it could lead to the end of our marriage.

His recovery also involved me hitting a wall and not being willing to put up with any more. I told him he had to grow up and figure it out, cuz I'd been trying to help him figure it out and be happy for 11 years, and it obviously wasn't working. I handed responsibility for his happiness back to him, and told him I would not continue to tolerate the kinds of things he had done that day, that if he continued on this path we would end.

Then I started to figure out just how codependent I am. I started going to al-anon meetings and sorting out my stuff too. I went for a few months, and then life got in the way. But I continue to apply the principals I learned there, and I constantly work to be less codependent.

We used to consider ourselves a great couple, a finished product....we now consider ourselves a work in progress. Our relationship is always evolving, we are always learning better ways to be, and we are getting better every day.

I think the most important thing I've had to learn is that I only have control over me. He is going to do what he's going to do. I may be lucky enough to influence his decisions, if he lets me. But really that's up to him. I have to be strong enough to know what I will and will not tolerate from him, and willing to walk away if he's not willing to comply with that. As much as I love him I think I've got that part now.

I also had to stop worrying about what was happening with everyone else's relationships. What's going on in YOUR relationship? Is he doing what YOU need him to do to heal your relationship? If he's not, are you ready to walk away? Are YOU doing what you need to heal yourself?

Over the years when he had tried to quit or cut back we couldn't talk about it, because that made him think about it, which made him crave it. I couldn't ask how he was doing, I couldn't talk about the hurtful things he'd done (and still not apologized for), I couldn't talk about what to do in situations where there would be drinking and how we would handle that.....I had to almost act like alcohol didn't exist.

This was how I knew it was different this time.....we talk openly about it and have since January 20. We can talk about any of it, all of it, no topic is off limits. In fact, we had to talk about it that week because my company had a party where there was alcohol.....we were able to discuss an escape plan for him if he just needed to get away from it, or if he was really stressed we could leave. That was a conversation that wouldn't have been possible before. Even a few months after he quit, when he had a bad day and my gut was all in knots all day cuz usually that would mean I'd come home to him already drunk......even then I was able to talk to him about it and work through that painful flashback without it causing a fight. And he was able to express that it felt like I didn't trust him to not drink, that it hurt him. That was the moment I knew we'd be OK, the day we could talk about it all, even the present pain that came from years of alcoholic/codependent behavior, and neither of us got defensive or angry.

I'm telling that story because it worries me that you can't talk about this with him without it starting a fight. It's been my experience that no matter what the problem in the relationship is, open communication is absolutely essential to fixing it. If you can't talk to each other about it how can you possibly heal the damage it did to your relationship?
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Old 12-21-2009, 08:36 AM
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Hi. I hope mine is a happy ending. After six months of my AH being a homeless alcoholic crack addict, he is living 6 hours aways in a homeless veterans transitional housing campus. He is doing well, going to enroll is school and get a job. Basically get his life together and learn how to take care of himself and ultimately us again. He will be there a long time and we will not reside under the same roof until he has at least one solid year of sobriety - maybe more. We have agreed to work on our marriage but from opposite ends of the state. He has to work his program and I have to work mine. Eventually we will do counseling together but in the meantime, he is seeing a psychologist and I'm seeing a counselor.

That's the best we can do right now. We want our marriage to work but the addiction keeps getting in the way of that happening. We have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old who has only seen her daddy good for about 4 months and that breaks my heart.

It does not sound to me like your boyfriend is taking advantage of the resources he has available to him since he continues to drink. An alcoholic can only cut back for so long. Mine would do that. He would quit. Drink a beer 4 months later, drink 2 beers and two airplane bottles 2 weeks after that and soon it was right back to a 12 pack and a fifth until I put my foot down.

Getting in a program will help you understand and maintain your identity. It's not pretty and it's not fun to be with any kind of addict. Going to meetings has to be a lifetime commitment. It sounds like your young and have alot going for you. Are you willing to commit to that? It's alot like loosing weight. It's one thing to get the weight off, it's another to keep it off. It's a lifestyle change.
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MrsMagoo View Post
Hi. I hope mine is a happy ending. After six months of my AH being a homeless alcoholic crack addict, he is living 6 hours aways in a homeless veterans transitional housing campus. He is doing well, going to enroll is school and get a job. Basically get his life together and learn how to take care of himself and ultimately us again. He will be there a long time and we will not reside under the same roof until he has at least one solid year of sobriety - maybe more. We have agreed to work on our marriage but from opposite ends of the state. He has to work his program and I have to work mine. Eventually we will do counseling together but in the meantime, he is seeing a psychologist and I'm seeing a counselor.

That's the best we can do right now. We want our marriage to work but the addiction keeps getting in the way of that happening. We have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old who has only seen her daddy good for about 4 months and that breaks my heart.

It does not sound to me like your boyfriend is taking advantage of the resources he has available to him since he continues to drink. An alcoholic can only cut back for so long. Mine would do that. He would quit. Drink a beer 4 months later, drink 2 beers and two airplane bottles 2 weeks after that and soon it was right back to a 12 pack and a fifth until I put my foot down.

Getting in a program will help you understand and maintain your identity. It's not pretty and it's not fun to be with any kind of addict. Going to meetings has to be a lifetime commitment. It sounds like your young and have alot going for you. Are you willing to commit to that? It's alot like loosing weight. It's one thing to get the weight off, it's another to keep it off. It's a lifestyle change.

I really appreciate this post Mrs. Magoo. I am in a similar situation to yours accept that we are divorced. He is living in a trasitional living house and working very hard at his program. I am working very hard at mine. Both of us are hoping for a happy ending whether that be that we can get back together someday or that we can both move on to find healthy happy relationships.

But what you said about a "lifestyle change" really hit home for him. I know that is what it would take for us to ever be able to grow as a couple together. And I think you are right. Without a making a permanant lifestyle change the chances of a recovered relationship are slim.
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Old 12-21-2009, 11:46 AM
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iwantcontrol,

I had an XABF for 10 months more or less...here I learned one thing is to look forward to something with hope (like graduating: while you are studying to obtain a degree, or a promotion working your a$$ off) and a very different thing is: wishful thinking, expecting that suddenly a truck loaded with money arrives at your home while you are around doing nothing in your pijamas... how likely is that? in my case XABF had absolutely no intention on cutting back and never acknowledged there was even an issue.

One year later I still hurt but I have learned TONS about myself and about what I am looking for in life (PEACE)... once you know what it is that you are looking for, you can go for it, and you become A Happy Story. For that its needed to let go of fantasies, which is quite painful but after all you've got a life to live, even if it sucks many times. It still beats living in a fantasy world... alone.
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Old 12-23-2009, 07:08 AM
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Does it really matter if there are a few 'happy' outcomes in other relationships? How do you see your relationship going? How do you feel about having an alcoholic boyfriend? Are you happy with this relationship as it is? You only have the power to change you - and you are the only one who is able to put yourself first.

Have you read Melody Beattie's Co-Dependant No More? Another book I'd recommend is 'Under the Influence' - this helped me see where my STBXAH's drinking was going. He too would manage to 'moderate' his drinking for a time, but then it would get worse than before. For the past few years he couldn't go a single night without a drink. We were together 18 years. I wish I had read up on alcoholism and co dependancy a long time ago - I would have saved myself so much heartache and misery.

It's been a while since you posted - how are YOU doing?
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Old 12-23-2009, 03:22 PM
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I agree, Bookwyrm.

My success story involves getting out of difficult relationships and being happy on my own with my kids. I´m single and loving it.

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Old 12-24-2009, 02:04 AM
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Thanks, I'm doing OK I suppose. Just quite disheartened at the moment. He is actually now moaning that I don't say well done because he is trying so hard! Well done for what exactly? For being on an abstinence program and still drinking, for drinking slightly less than every day, or for making plans with me all the time then drinking instead? What excatly should I be grateful for out of that?

I really like the sound of those couples programs and I think that would really help but I don't think there is anything like that in my area. Shame, becuase I really want to try to understand but there is such a lack of communication on the subject between us.
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