I dont know guys. All I know is I am abotu to enter a 6 to 9 mos inpatient program that requires me to attend a meeting every night and 5 days og IOP that follow 12 steps.
I am going to be honest. I have fought it almost to the death not to even give it a second thought. But I have no other otions at this point. My life sux and will continue to get worse if I dont get it together. I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF! That is my self knowledge and all the self knowledge I need to know at this point. IMO.
I have for the first time ever cracked the NA book. And I have to say it isnt anyting like alot of hardcore steppers make it out to be. I am scared as it is going into this. And its things like this thread that make it even harder for me to want to keep an open mind. It is giving me all these preconceived ideas that everything is going to be an arguement or I am going to be told I am doomed if I dont follow exactly like someone says. And if I beg to differ or form my own opinion I am going to be outcasted. Well I dont take too well to things like that.
There are alot of people here that dont come off like that. But the ones who just have to get the last word in and its this way or no way kinda stuff, really makes me rethink what I am getting myself into.
I just want to stay clean. I am tired of being like this. And I def dont want to die like this.
I fought every freakin day in the street. I dont feel I should have to fight in my recovery. Not like that.
Call me out if you see me slipping. But dont tell me that what your doing is the only thing that is going to save me.
Because when it comes down to it. The only person that is really going to save me is me.
Whether I decide to commit and do the work to stay clean and change my addict thinking and behavior. However I may do that.
And I believe that recovery is about self knowledge. Everything in life is. You can have the will to keep dieing or to keep living.
And you can have help in doing either.
I need to know what drives me to keep getting high. But most importantly, I need to know whats going to keep me clean. And scare actics arent it. If thats all it took, I would have stopped getting high years ago.
I need to see others living the dream. I need to know it doesnt have to be like this anymore. F what anyone says. Thats just a bunch of lip smacking. I want to see actions.
Hope is what has kept me trying. I was hopeless one time in my life. And I tried to kill myself. Being hopeless didnt make me want to get better. It made me want to end it. But I couldnt even succeed at that. So I spent my little week in the hospital recovering from surgery and went right back to dieing slow as usual.
I dont think I have ever had the hope that I have found here at SR. And from my family.
I dont care if this is just the internet. I see real people overcoming the very thing that is killing me. And for someone who feels like it is impossible to lay that pipe down. Just hearing their stories and seeing them succeed and do it brings me so much hope and excitement for the future.
We all have war stories. So mine may be worse than yours or vice versa. Big deal, If you heard one you heard them all. But I cant say that I have those success stories. Not yet.
Maybe I did miss the point. And at this point in this thread, we may all have by now.
All I need to know is how to get where I want to be. I dont need to know where I have been.Only I know that for sure anyway.
I do respond to the kick in the ass. But only when I need it. When I am starying from my course of action. When I am running game. Then tell me about myself.
But until then. All I need is to see and hear where I am going in this scary ass journey to a better life.
You know, I have been in some scary situations using. But I can 9 times out of 10 tell what may or may not happen. And its all too familiar to me.
But living in recovery? Now thats some real scary stuff I know nothing about.
I just want you all to know this.
I am far from a newcomer here. And its threads like this that make me second guess these programs and make me want to go it alone.
I use to tell my boys in the streets. If we all just worked together, Everyone could eat and no one would be feeling the heat.
This recovery thing isnt so different from using. Sometimes its like some people have to have all the power.