My using/drinking bf also labels me a control freak. says if he wants to use and I am not there, I am not affected by it. His medical history (including emergency brain surgery, for which I had to fly him to another State), multiple hospital admissions, subsequent detoxes, injuries, assaults etc do not matter. He either refuses to see that his using affects me or he is not able to see that it affects me. And it does affect me by making me feel "less than", not good enough for him. For as much as I know his using has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his addiction, it makes me feel that I am not good enough.
His "control freak" language is really code for leave me alone. We had it out a few weeks ago, after I left for a holiday. I came back and asked him if he used and he said "yes". Then he launched into a monologue about how his using does not affect me if I am not around. This is from a guy who detoxxed at my house the week before and told me he was done. This is a dance, me and the addict, and I confronted him the day after his little monologue. I asked him if I understood him to say that he has a right to use and that his using did not affect me. He told me I was quoting him and twisting his words. I asked him to please clarify so that I understood. Nothing. Then he asked me if I was going to help him with the rent and I hit him with the breakup language so that he understood. I have not spoken with him in 3 weeks. he is out there using. In the past, we have reconciled and he accuses me of breaking up with him in another attempt to control him. When I ask him what it is I am trying to control, he cannot answer. I have responded by acknowledging I can't keep him from the pipe or bottle, and he has made his choice, his priority, clear to me. Of course, he wants me and the drugs and alcohol, but no more. This girl is not waiting and standing second to the crack pipe. I have finally moved on and it is tough, after 6+ years, and I have my codie moments when I miss him so terribly, I want him back. but he has not taken any action, no change and the pain of being with someone who loves being out of control, is too much for me.
You can do it. You can love her but you cannot love her clean and sober. She has to do it on her own, and the more you stay with her, and give her "support", the less likely she is to become motivated to attempt to change.
NC Girl