I find myself wondering about my xAGF and if she has any remorse. I think it is very common among those of us on the Al-Anon, not the AA side of the street.
Over the past few days, I have received text messages and e-mails from my xAGF about how sorry she is for all the pain she caused. But it is always colored with statement about that she now realizes "how much she lost" and "what I can never get back." It does not come across as genuine remorse. It is about her sense of loss, not about the pain that she caused others. It is just a different form of selfishness. She asks for forgiveness. She asks for mercy. It is still all about her.
To be clear, I am no longer surprised or upset by this. I am at the acceptance stage of grief over the loss of my relationship with her. I have let go of the anger (well, most of it anyways) and am focused on the future.
I do believe it is possible for a RECOVERING addict to feel remorse. I have two employees that are in recovery and they clearly feel remorse for what they put their family and friends through during their active addiction.
In the case of my xAGF, she may be in recovery... maybe not... but she is still focused on her own pain and her own losses. She does feel remorse... but over what she has lost... not what she did.