Hey all, thanks for the posts.
As far as the green card /deportation/ ins goes, it's not as easy as everyone would like to believe to get rid of someone! haha. I had consulted already w/ the immigration / divorce lawyer and paid some money for that advice. Basically he can stay if he wants to, was the deal. All he has to do is file a waiver and show that we had a real marriage and he gets to stay. INS doesn't care to deport anyone, it's too much work already and I"m sure they get plenty of people going "I brought so and so here, and now I don't like them because they did x y or z. Make them go away" and INS would say, no thanks, deporting them costs money. Don't forget how big of a government agency/bureaucracy they are!
I did find one trick that MIGHT work. Basically by June we are supposed to both file some paperwork saying it's a legit marriage and go through an interview to lift the conditions off his conditional green card. If this doesn't happen, then he is technically out of status and I believe the card would expire or something ... deportation proceedings (who knows how long they take though, too) could begin. However the trick was that if we are divorced and don't file together he can still file a waiver saying it was a real marriage and those are easy to get, and he could stay and get the permanent card. The trick I'm seeing is that if we are NOT divorced (it's not even possible to be divorced by then, it would take too long!) yet, and I don't file with him and sign off on the documents.. he cannot file the waiver because the waiver requires divorce forms.. and then he could be out of status and deportation proceeds....
So it's not simple, it's messy, lengthy, but it's possible. I may have that leverage.. There's also a chance that he could get around that somehow too...
Luckily my recent lawyer is a friend of my cousin's husband. He spoke to my cousin and agreed to do the consult for free. His fees are 250/hr which is 50/hr less than the last guy, but I got a lot of consult time out of him for no charge. I know he wouldn't rip me off per se, seeing as he is a good friend of a family member, but obviously he has to get paid to work.
The crummy part really is, and once I am accepting it bit by bit it gets easier, that there isn't a whole lot I can do about HIM. It's kind of like the whole al anon concept of doing what you can for yourself, etc.. I can't really MAKE him do anything, not even sign divorce papers, not even move out of the house I pay for, can't make him pay bills, can't make him go away.. none of that. So accepting that, I will have more energy to focus on what I DO have control over, which is what I do.. and while it might not be the answer I want, it's the only one I can count on.