Hey everyone. So after my first post a month or two back, I thought I was on track to getting myself together. I was extremely scared about my drinking habit. I now know that I am a binge drinker, and have since relapsed 3 times.
Each time I did, I would convince myself that as long as a friend told me that nothing happened, and that I didn't make a complete fool out of myself, I was fine, and that I didn't have a problem. The truth is, I'm in denial of the fact that I have a drinking problem. What I'm understanding about myself now is that I'm a binge drinker. I'll go week's without a drop, isolate myself socially, and focus 110% on my work and other responsibilities. Then, out of the blue, I'll be invited to have a drink with 'friends', and I'll go. As soon as I enter the bar, I get a wave of anxiety - it's as if my mind and body are telling me, "you don't belong here!". I suppress the feeling, and have a beer anyways. Right after my first sip, I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm even more tense, and anxious about when I'll first feel buzzed, and then drunk. After I finish my first beer, I feel awful. I feel tired, disgusted with myself, and disappointed that even if I left then and there, I will have wasted the rest of my day.
This is the moment of truth that I can't seem to find control in. I have an opportunity to stop there, and remain sociable. Instead, I begin trying to quench an insatiable thirst that no amount of beers and shots will ever satisfy. I simply can't stop. That said, as soon as I'm drunk, I'm relaxed, social, and laid back... until I'm not. I reach a point when I completely drop my filter, and start saying things I wouldn't normally say. Singing songs I wouldn't normally sing.
When the bartender cuts me off, I realize that I must be pretty drunk. That said, I have no recollection of why or when they made this judgement. Usually I'm glad they did. These days, my memory is patchy at best the following morning. I suffer from severe anxiety about acting out of character, and paranoia tends to make me believe I'm worse off then I actually am.
In reality though - I should consider it a blessing that I have these feelings. I should consider it a blessing that something in my mind and body is telling me to change my ways. I should consider it a blessing my friends and family forgive me, but know that they may not always be there for me.
I want so desperately to change my life. To feel good about myself again. To have real friendships. To love. To live. But my head is stuck in the past, constantly thinking about past mistakes, things I can't change or rectify, moments etched in stone, and memories I've lost forever.
I want to change - but change is a lonely road when no one else seems to understand, or believe that I actually need to change.