relapsing
i can't quote this exactly but in the big book somewhere it states: "some people cannot stop their drinking. they are unable to be completely honest with themselves and others. there are such unfortunates."
i think i fall into the category of "there are such unfortunates".
i can't stop relapsing and it's scaring the life out of me. i feel doomed. i'm engulfed in pure terror. i don't know why i can't stop. it's all consuming.
i was doing so well for the first time. i had almost 60 days. i don't want to believe that relapses are inevitable for me but so far they have been. i'm so scared right now i can barely stand it. i at least made it to work but i can barely function. i'm not a real big believer in prayer and it would take a pretty dire set of circumstances for me to ask this of anyone but if you're reading this, can you please say a prayer for me. i feel dumb asking that but i don't know what else to do. i don't want to die. i really, really don't.