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relapsing

Old 12-09-2009, 07:52 AM
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relapsing

i can't quote this exactly but in the big book somewhere it states: "some people cannot stop their drinking. they are unable to be completely honest with themselves and others. there are such unfortunates."
i think i fall into the category of "there are such unfortunates".
i can't stop relapsing and it's scaring the life out of me. i feel doomed. i'm engulfed in pure terror. i don't know why i can't stop. it's all consuming.
i was doing so well for the first time. i had almost 60 days. i don't want to believe that relapses are inevitable for me but so far they have been. i'm so scared right now i can barely stand it. i at least made it to work but i can barely function. i'm not a real big believer in prayer and it would take a pretty dire set of circumstances for me to ask this of anyone but if you're reading this, can you please say a prayer for me. i feel dumb asking that but i don't know what else to do. i don't want to die. i really, really don't.
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Old 12-09-2009, 07:57 AM
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You are not alone. I could have written that exact same post. We are in the fight of our lives and must treat it as such. I have found myself praying more than ever. You need to stay strong for you and your health. I must stay strong for my wife and daughter. We can do this....one day at a time. Don't plan relapses, I caught myself doing that too.....just one day at a time. Be strong and I'll pray for us both.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:14 AM
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I will say a prayer for you and for myself that we can stay sober one day at a time. I recently relapsed for a couple days. I'm now back on the wagon and determined to stay sober this time.

Have you considered outside face to face support, like AA or counseling? I see an addiction counselor once a week and it helps a lot. I don't go to too many AA meetings but I do have a sponsor and am working the steps - again - starting with the most important one: step one - admitting that I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. I have surrendered to my alcoholism and will stop fighting with alcohol cause it always wins, and the fight leaves me exhausted and depressed.

I've started a Class of December 09 for all of us getting sober this month. Please join us. We are stronger together.

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:25 AM
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Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

(Big Book quote from the 1st edition of Alcoholics Anonymous)

When I read this passage I have to focus on that first sentence. If I don't follow the program of AA, and the Steps as they are laid out in the Big Book, recovery becomes difficult and a relapse might become a reality. If I can post on a recovery forum, chances are pretty good that I'm capable of being honest with myself and can admit that I can't stay sober alone, I need help and support and a program for my recovery.

Relapse is part of the disease, but it's not part of recovery and help is freely available if you have the desire to stay sober. It doesn't have to be in the rooms of AA, there are other sources, find something that works for you and commit yourself to recovery, you can do this. Sobriety is possible, you won't die from not taking another drink. We really, really don't want you to die either.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:35 AM
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Ugh. The big book has a way out!!!!

That is the way I read it. For years. I've been in the program for 9 years and have given myself to this simple program, have gone to treatment, have gone to detox, have lost it all, have gained it all back, have almost lost it all. It sucks.

All I know for a fact is I have a desire to stop drinking TODAY. All I have to do is to get my head on my pillow TONIGHT sober. The rest will take care of itself.

I lie to myself all the time. This time it will be different. Just one more. I'm different. I've handled it before. Meetings and talking to people helps me see the truth. They force me to be honest to myself.

Things are better lately.

Good luck.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:49 AM
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janitorking do you have a sponsor? Have you taken the steps?

AA and other recovery programs are there for people who WANT it, not people that need it.

Every program out there will work for some people and not for others.

None of the programs will work if one does not WORK the program.

In AA it is said "Half measures availed us nothing"

This in reality applies to all recovery programs, if we pick and chose what parts of a program we are willing to do, or do half way then we stand a good chance of relapse.

In many areas of life we may do something half way and get partial results, but when it comes to alcoholism we are either one of 2 things:

Drunk or sober!

What ever program you work, WORK it, WORK it ALL and you will get the results you seek.

1. You have to be totally honest.
2. You have to be open minded.
3. You have to be willing to do what ever it takes to get sober.

If you do not do the above, your odds no matter the program are not good.
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Old 12-09-2009, 09:38 AM
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Prayers coming your way for healing...clarity and peace.
Mega

Many of us had false starts before we found solid sobriety.
I so hope you will keep trying....
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Old 12-09-2009, 02:29 PM
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hey JK

nows the time to ring those numbers you got at AA, mate.
Ask for help in real life too

D
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Old 12-09-2009, 03:36 PM
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Well

We don't move to steps 2-12 until we have a solid step one. I mean if there's any alternative why go to step 2, or 3, or 4? Who would willfully succumb to such a humbling process?

Personally I wasn't ready for step 2 until I had enough to drink. Then I had to have enough of trying to stay sober without a spiritual awakening. Then I couldn't do either successfully.

p 152:
"He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, Iím willing.".

"Willing" is a bigger word than I had ever imagined.

Then about 6 months sober I was telling my sponsor how powerless over smoking I had become. He said "Well just keep smoking. You won't move to step 2 till your READY"

I'm still smoking...
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:04 PM
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Don't be scared. I doubt you'd be writing the post you did if you were "one of the unfortunates" - just hang in there, ok? I'll include you in my prayers tonight.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by janitorking View Post
i can't quote this exactly but in the big book somewhere it states: "some people cannot stop their drinking. they are unable to be completely honest with themselves and others. there are such unfortunates."
i think i fall into the category of "there are such unfortunates".
i can't stop relapsing and it's scaring the life out of me. i feel doomed. i'm engulfed in pure terror. i don't know why i can't stop. it's all consuming.
i was doing so well for the first time. i had almost 60 days. i don't want to believe that relapses are inevitable for me but so far they have been. i'm so scared right now i can barely stand it. i at least made it to work but i can barely function. i'm not a real big believer in prayer and it would take a pretty dire set of circumstances for me to ask this of anyone but if you're reading this, can you please say a prayer for me. i feel dumb asking that but i don't know what else to do. i don't want to die. i really, really don't.
i know where you are at.. you can make it. don't give up on yourself. i at times thought i was unable to be honest with myself also. i am now close to 3 years sober thanks to god and A.A. Prayer does work!
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Old 12-10-2009, 05:57 AM
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Rarely have we seen a person fail who has
thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not
recover are people who cannot or will not completely
give themselves to this simple program, usually men
and women who are constitutionally incapable of being
honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates.
They are not at fault; they seem to have been
born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping
and developing a manner of living which demands
rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional
and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if
they have the capacity to be honest.
janitorking the above is from the beginning of Chapter 5 in the BB, some questions to ponder based upon the above:

1. Are you incapable of following the lead of others who have recovered?

2. Are you unable to or unwilling to give yourself completely to this simple program?

3. Are you incapable of being honest with your self?

4. Are you unable to develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty?

If today you answer yes to all of the above questions or some of them then you may want to with all the honesty you can muster ask your self these questions:

Do I REALLY want to stop drinking and stay stopped?

If you answer yes to the above then ask your self this:

Am I willing to do what ever it takes to stop drinking and stay stopped no matter what it is?

If you REALLY want to stop and stay stopped then you will answer yes to this one also.

If you have reservations, things you are unwilling to do then there is a possibility that the truth is, alcohol has not finished convincing you yet, some where in the deep recesses of your mind there is still that desire to be able to keep drinking even though the fact that alcohol has kicked your butt is staring you right in the face you are not yet convinced that it is time to stop and stay stopped before you die.

Fact, not fiction, far more alcoholics die as a result of drinking then recover.
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Old 12-10-2009, 06:16 AM
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Janitorking,

I just said a prayer for you, which is truly amazing for me. Because up until a couple of weeks ago, I did not really believe in prayer either. The fact is that it is nearly impossible for us to really understand the value of prayer while we are drinking or using. I am just begining to understand how important prayer is, and I wish you all the best. You can do this!
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Old 12-10-2009, 06:26 AM
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Funny thing about prayer, but I have heard many an athiest/agnostic share that once they started to pray even though they had no beleif for some reason if they kept it up they started to get results. Why? I nor they seem to have an answer for that question, except many people who pray, beleivers or not if they are pesistant and wanting do get results.
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by janitorking View Post
i can't stop relapsing and it's scaring the life out of me. i feel doomed. i'm engulfed in pure terror. i don't know why i can't stop. it's all consuming.
That's me, exactly, at the end of my drinking. Pure terror. Despite a desperate desire and need to stop drinking, I could not. I lost every day I fought that fight.

You might think it's just semantics, but what you describe is not really relapse. It's the inability to quit drinking entirely. Just like my inability was. I did not have the power to do it.

When I gave up the lie (to me) that I had the power, and that some day I would get a grip on it, I started to recover. I surrendered and accepted the truth. I lacked the power to stay sober, and I was doomed as long as I believed I did.

Then it was a fairly simple matter of taking the necessary actions to find the power required.
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Old 12-10-2009, 08:31 AM
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i don't know why i can't stop. it's all consuming.
i was doing so well for the first time. i had almost 60 days. i don't want to believe that relapses are inevitable
..

scary isnt it......i didnt want to drink.......and yet..

i got a lot of vital imformation from the doctors opinion in the bb.
i believe i needed that imformation...firstly.
before i read it i believed i was different.....mine cant be alcoholism because when i stop drinking.......the problem continues or gets worse...the mental torture contined........the last debacle became a distant memory and i drank again.

Then the rest of the book gives me the other vital imformation..the solution.. in the form of twelve steps.....

beginning with the words admit im powerless......
powerless me...never....
but didnt i just take a drink even though i didnt want to....didnt i say never again ever ever ever and it was as effective as [email protected] in the wind!!

read the docs opinion........you may just be faced with yourself...i was.
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Old 12-10-2009, 12:15 PM
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Thumbs up

well said my friend Trucker.. well said.
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