I think I know what you mean by what it "looks" like when someone is working their program. We have had these amazingly lucid, adult conversations, where he takes responsibility for the "7 years of hell" he has caused me. And then he turns to the dark side behaviorally speaking and I feel like I was led to the edge of a cliff again and he turns his back.
Our counseling appt is Thursday morning. Right now, my rules are let's just not attack one another-at all until we have a third party present. And, (this one is driving him nuts) no sex. I told him Sunday that we cannot do the same cycle anymore. He admits his contribution to the problem-he apologizes and says he will never do it again-I believe him-we "act" like the normal couple-then he goes to the dark side. It is a cycle I don't want. I simply cannot have sex with someone-yes, even my spouse-that doesn't see my feelings as important EVERY day.
Thanks for all of the comments and support.