Reverse,
Sending big hugs your way, and hoping things are going better for you since you wrote your rant this morning. I am so sorry you are feeling abandoned by your family, and they seem to be doing their own thing without you. But at least you have your kids who love you and look up to you, and I'm sure you have alot of things to be thankful for, so lets concentrate on them!
A few years ago, my AF came to visit me in the new town I moved to. He was only here for a few days, and there was alot I wanted to do with him while he was here. Every day he would crack a beer by noon or 1 o'clock, and drive to surrounding towns because he wanted to research some local cuisine (he likes to cook).. I worked on and off during the days so couldn't always join him, and at night when we would go out, or try to have dinner and spend time together, he would already be drunk, and I would get flustered and uncomfortable. One night I actually was ready to go home after dinner and he borrowed money from me so he could stay downtown and drink. Another night I was going to cook at home, and he opted to walk downtown and hang out at the pub, meeting new people and drinking instead of staying home with his daughter. I was heartbroken then, and held that against him for years, always staying angry, carrying that weight around with me. I couldn't believe that he would put alcohol above me, and it drove me crazy to think that he was that type of person, instead of the "model" father I wanted, who would have wanted nothing more than to be with his daughter the whole time.
Now that I am on my road to recovery with Alanon, I look at the situation much differently. He did not disappoint me... I was disappointed by my _expectations_ of what I thought he should do while he was here. Sure, it hurt my feelings, but I can't force someone to do something they don't want to do, whether it is spending time with me, or returning an email, or calling me on my birthday. But the bottom line is, they were _my_ expectations. Sure, it's disappointing to realize that the people in your family are not who you hoped they would be, but the sooner you come to terms with that fact, (and it is an actual _fact_), the sooner you will be able to let go of that toxic anger you seem to carry, that weight in your heart and on your soul that drags you down. Continuing to be angry at your mom seems to only be hurting you... continuing to remind yourself of how she "ruined your life" and holding on tho the hopes that she will someday make amends for that is only making you feel worse, right?
There is great healing to be done in forgiveness, in the ability to let go of the past and focus on the future. I am learning and practicing this every day in Alanon with readings and meetings, and talking to others about their same experiences. Take your life, and your happiness into your own hands, and run with it! Just as you can't help your family realize how wonderful you are, your family cannot convince you that you are anything less than awesome. It's their loss of they don't want you in their life, and that goes for anyone else who has failed to see you for who you really are.
We are all happy that you are you, and that you are here! Chin up and shoulders back baby!