no one cares....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 87
no one cares....
Just a random rant:
I spent Thanksgiving working b/c it was double pay and I needed the money to help pay for xmas presents for the girls. No one from my family of origin (sister, mother, biofather, grandparents) called to say hello or anything. I am wondering if that is my fault--and if I should be the one to call them. I haven't done that in the past 6 years and a few times my mom has called on the holidays. Idk, right now I am having difficulty with officially cutting them out of my life forever or just talking to them once in a while. I am having difficulty feeling like no one cares about me, what happens to me, that I have children and I somehow feel that I am the one who brought it on myself b/c everyone hates me. I feel like I screw up every relationship b/c I either get yelled at or never talked to again. I just don't understand life and feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. I am still mad at my mother for being a drunk (which is her choice--but I blame her for destroying our family--it is her fault as far as I'm concerned). She did send me an email on Thanksgiving--the text was blank and the subject said "missed". Wtf is that supposed to mean?
Good god. I feel like I am wrong with anything I do. I sent my grandparents and 3 aunts a video of me and my children when my newest daughter was born in August. Only 2 aunts responded positively--no word from my grandparents (my mom's parents--grandpa used to be an alcoholic in his younger years but went to AA and got sober).
I just don't understand and I'm tired of feeling sooo lonely and wrong and feeling like I did it to myself. Does anyone have any insight other than admitting myself into a mental hospital b/c that's often times how I feel I may end up.
Thks.
I spent Thanksgiving working b/c it was double pay and I needed the money to help pay for xmas presents for the girls. No one from my family of origin (sister, mother, biofather, grandparents) called to say hello or anything. I am wondering if that is my fault--and if I should be the one to call them. I haven't done that in the past 6 years and a few times my mom has called on the holidays. Idk, right now I am having difficulty with officially cutting them out of my life forever or just talking to them once in a while. I am having difficulty feeling like no one cares about me, what happens to me, that I have children and I somehow feel that I am the one who brought it on myself b/c everyone hates me. I feel like I screw up every relationship b/c I either get yelled at or never talked to again. I just don't understand life and feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. I am still mad at my mother for being a drunk (which is her choice--but I blame her for destroying our family--it is her fault as far as I'm concerned). She did send me an email on Thanksgiving--the text was blank and the subject said "missed". Wtf is that supposed to mean?
Good god. I feel like I am wrong with anything I do. I sent my grandparents and 3 aunts a video of me and my children when my newest daughter was born in August. Only 2 aunts responded positively--no word from my grandparents (my mom's parents--grandpa used to be an alcoholic in his younger years but went to AA and got sober). I just don't understand and I'm tired of feeling sooo lonely and wrong and feeling like I did it to myself. Does anyone have any insight other than admitting myself into a mental hospital b/c that's often times how I feel I may end up.
Thks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Oh, reverse....
I am so sorry you are so lonely and sad. I want to send you a big hug and tell you someone does love you and cares more than you'll ever know, more than any of us will know....Jesus!!! He is real and knows you and all your faults, yet He loves you so very much.
You are not to blame for what others have done with their lives and how they chose to live it. It is unfortunate that we see how they treat us and feel it was all our fault. Yes, we all participate in the madness but it is the alcohol that creates the chaos we are involved in. It's the nature of the disease. My mom's alcoholism is also tearing up our family little by little and it is harder each year to see how it is causing more pain and irrational behavior. I feel sometimes she baits us and sets us off against each other. My dad will sometimes take her side when she gripes about one of us kids. I think he is just going along because he is glad her venom is not directed toward him at that time. I cannot spend too much time with them because I can't stand how she drinks and acts sometimes or how my dad just complains about her but doesn't seem to do anything about her drinking. He's a hostage and my mom doesn't want me or anyone else to mess that up. The holidays will be worse and I don't know what has happened in your family to cause this silence but sometimes we have to be the ones to break it if only for the reason to say we tried. Once when my mom said some terrible things to me and I wouldn't call or talk to her for a month or so. I finally called and she apologized but she told me not to call so often and if she wanted to drink that was her business. She was basically giving me permission to take care of myself and not worry about her. She was right too, I need to live my life and not try to control what happens to her or try to fix her. As much as I want to see her get sober, I can't. It sounds like you have reached out and some have not accepted it. You have done what you can. Christmas is coming. You may want to send cards, or emails to let them know you are thinking of them. It's all up to you. You know your family. I don't know what happened with your mom's email, maybe she messed up because she was drunk? Maybe she thought she sent something. I don't know but I would say try not to take it the wrong way, it could have been a mix-up. I call my folks every other week maybe. I see them two or three times a year, being I live a few hrs. away. Mostly in the summer and Christmas time. We have had too many disputes over her drinking behavior and I need to make our visits shorter now. I don't call her after 5p either because I know she's been drinking since noon or so.
Remember you are loved by the One who gave his life for you and rose again.... Rejoice!! This world may be going crazy but we don't have to follow. You have a rescuer.
Love and blessings,
I am so sorry you are so lonely and sad. I want to send you a big hug and tell you someone does love you and cares more than you'll ever know, more than any of us will know....Jesus!!! He is real and knows you and all your faults, yet He loves you so very much.
You are not to blame for what others have done with their lives and how they chose to live it. It is unfortunate that we see how they treat us and feel it was all our fault. Yes, we all participate in the madness but it is the alcohol that creates the chaos we are involved in. It's the nature of the disease. My mom's alcoholism is also tearing up our family little by little and it is harder each year to see how it is causing more pain and irrational behavior. I feel sometimes she baits us and sets us off against each other. My dad will sometimes take her side when she gripes about one of us kids. I think he is just going along because he is glad her venom is not directed toward him at that time. I cannot spend too much time with them because I can't stand how she drinks and acts sometimes or how my dad just complains about her but doesn't seem to do anything about her drinking. He's a hostage and my mom doesn't want me or anyone else to mess that up. The holidays will be worse and I don't know what has happened in your family to cause this silence but sometimes we have to be the ones to break it if only for the reason to say we tried. Once when my mom said some terrible things to me and I wouldn't call or talk to her for a month or so. I finally called and she apologized but she told me not to call so often and if she wanted to drink that was her business. She was basically giving me permission to take care of myself and not worry about her. She was right too, I need to live my life and not try to control what happens to her or try to fix her. As much as I want to see her get sober, I can't. It sounds like you have reached out and some have not accepted it. You have done what you can. Christmas is coming. You may want to send cards, or emails to let them know you are thinking of them. It's all up to you. You know your family. I don't know what happened with your mom's email, maybe she messed up because she was drunk? Maybe she thought she sent something. I don't know but I would say try not to take it the wrong way, it could have been a mix-up. I call my folks every other week maybe. I see them two or three times a year, being I live a few hrs. away. Mostly in the summer and Christmas time. We have had too many disputes over her drinking behavior and I need to make our visits shorter now. I don't call her after 5p either because I know she's been drinking since noon or so.
Remember you are loved by the One who gave his life for you and rose again.... Rejoice!! This world may be going crazy but we don't have to follow. You have a rescuer.
Love and blessings,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Reverse,
Sending big hugs your way, and hoping things are going better for you since you wrote your rant this morning. I am so sorry you are feeling abandoned by your family, and they seem to be doing their own thing without you. But at least you have your kids who love you and look up to you, and I'm sure you have alot of things to be thankful for, so lets concentrate on them!
A few years ago, my AF came to visit me in the new town I moved to. He was only here for a few days, and there was alot I wanted to do with him while he was here. Every day he would crack a beer by noon or 1 o'clock, and drive to surrounding towns because he wanted to research some local cuisine (he likes to cook).. I worked on and off during the days so couldn't always join him, and at night when we would go out, or try to have dinner and spend time together, he would already be drunk, and I would get flustered and uncomfortable. One night I actually was ready to go home after dinner and he borrowed money from me so he could stay downtown and drink. Another night I was going to cook at home, and he opted to walk downtown and hang out at the pub, meeting new people and drinking instead of staying home with his daughter. I was heartbroken then, and held that against him for years, always staying angry, carrying that weight around with me. I couldn't believe that he would put alcohol above me, and it drove me crazy to think that he was that type of person, instead of the "model" father I wanted, who would have wanted nothing more than to be with his daughter the whole time.
Now that I am on my road to recovery with Alanon, I look at the situation much differently. He did not disappoint me... I was disappointed by my _expectations_ of what I thought he should do while he was here. Sure, it hurt my feelings, but I can't force someone to do something they don't want to do, whether it is spending time with me, or returning an email, or calling me on my birthday. But the bottom line is, they were _my_ expectations. Sure, it's disappointing to realize that the people in your family are not who you hoped they would be, but the sooner you come to terms with that fact, (and it is an actual _fact_), the sooner you will be able to let go of that toxic anger you seem to carry, that weight in your heart and on your soul that drags you down. Continuing to be angry at your mom seems to only be hurting you... continuing to remind yourself of how she "ruined your life" and holding on tho the hopes that she will someday make amends for that is only making you feel worse, right?
There is great healing to be done in forgiveness, in the ability to let go of the past and focus on the future. I am learning and practicing this every day in Alanon with readings and meetings, and talking to others about their same experiences. Take your life, and your happiness into your own hands, and run with it! Just as you can't help your family realize how wonderful you are, your family cannot convince you that you are anything less than awesome. It's their loss of they don't want you in their life, and that goes for anyone else who has failed to see you for who you really are.
We are all happy that you are you, and that you are here! Chin up and shoulders back baby!
Sending big hugs your way, and hoping things are going better for you since you wrote your rant this morning. I am so sorry you are feeling abandoned by your family, and they seem to be doing their own thing without you. But at least you have your kids who love you and look up to you, and I'm sure you have alot of things to be thankful for, so lets concentrate on them!
A few years ago, my AF came to visit me in the new town I moved to. He was only here for a few days, and there was alot I wanted to do with him while he was here. Every day he would crack a beer by noon or 1 o'clock, and drive to surrounding towns because he wanted to research some local cuisine (he likes to cook).. I worked on and off during the days so couldn't always join him, and at night when we would go out, or try to have dinner and spend time together, he would already be drunk, and I would get flustered and uncomfortable. One night I actually was ready to go home after dinner and he borrowed money from me so he could stay downtown and drink. Another night I was going to cook at home, and he opted to walk downtown and hang out at the pub, meeting new people and drinking instead of staying home with his daughter. I was heartbroken then, and held that against him for years, always staying angry, carrying that weight around with me. I couldn't believe that he would put alcohol above me, and it drove me crazy to think that he was that type of person, instead of the "model" father I wanted, who would have wanted nothing more than to be with his daughter the whole time.
Now that I am on my road to recovery with Alanon, I look at the situation much differently. He did not disappoint me... I was disappointed by my _expectations_ of what I thought he should do while he was here. Sure, it hurt my feelings, but I can't force someone to do something they don't want to do, whether it is spending time with me, or returning an email, or calling me on my birthday. But the bottom line is, they were _my_ expectations. Sure, it's disappointing to realize that the people in your family are not who you hoped they would be, but the sooner you come to terms with that fact, (and it is an actual _fact_), the sooner you will be able to let go of that toxic anger you seem to carry, that weight in your heart and on your soul that drags you down. Continuing to be angry at your mom seems to only be hurting you... continuing to remind yourself of how she "ruined your life" and holding on tho the hopes that she will someday make amends for that is only making you feel worse, right?
There is great healing to be done in forgiveness, in the ability to let go of the past and focus on the future. I am learning and practicing this every day in Alanon with readings and meetings, and talking to others about their same experiences. Take your life, and your happiness into your own hands, and run with it! Just as you can't help your family realize how wonderful you are, your family cannot convince you that you are anything less than awesome. It's their loss of they don't want you in their life, and that goes for anyone else who has failed to see you for who you really are.
We are all happy that you are you, and that you are here! Chin up and shoulders back baby!
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
reverse, 
You, like many here, have a lot of expectations, for ourselves and our family. It is part of growing up with alcoholism. The sad thing is that the more expectations I have the more disappointments I get, and then I get angry and resentful.
You have to narrow down what you expect from your family and yourself. What are your boundaries? I am not referring to Their conditions and expectations, but what you want for the sanity of yourself and your kids. (actually I am unclear on whether you want contact from them or not.) I know that if I am not exact about boundaries and expectations, as in stating it clearly, I get run over or I beat myself up.
If I wanted contact, I'd send an email, text, or phone message, but also let go of any expectations of a response, or kind of response. I know I cannot control others' actions, only my own.
Ok enough said. Now, you have my hugs::ghug3
You, like many here, have a lot of expectations, for ourselves and our family. It is part of growing up with alcoholism. The sad thing is that the more expectations I have the more disappointments I get, and then I get angry and resentful.
You have to narrow down what you expect from your family and yourself. What are your boundaries? I am not referring to Their conditions and expectations, but what you want for the sanity of yourself and your kids. (actually I am unclear on whether you want contact from them or not.) I know that if I am not exact about boundaries and expectations, as in stating it clearly, I get run over or I beat myself up.
If I wanted contact, I'd send an email, text, or phone message, but also let go of any expectations of a response, or kind of response. I know I cannot control others' actions, only my own.
Ok enough said. Now, you have my hugs::ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 87
Thnks for reponding you guys. I am feelling a little bit better. It tends to come and go.
As far as my boundaries go....I am not sure what I want anymore. My role in this family has always involved being caught between a rock and a hard place...at least that's how I've felt.
I know I can't control the actions of others. However, after 25 years....it doesn't mean that it still won't hurt. Not only that, healing can only go so far. I wasn't the one who broke the family into pieces and I'm not the one who can put them back together again...or even try to build something new. Certainly I can build my own life....that is what i can do.
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me. Corresponding w/ them on a frequent basis often has felt like being in a vaccuum...sucking the life out of me. Therefore, i'm not sure what my role in their life is anymore. Now the I have children...I have been more angry than ever before b/c it feels like it is happening to them ALL OVER AGAIN. That is partly why I never wanted to marry, never wanted to have kids, b/c I didn't want to go thru that disappointment, the loss, the greif ever again. Every time I'm at work, someone is boasting and gloating about how their mom and sister are going to help them plan their wedding...or pay for their wedding dress, or help with the baby, etc. I've never been able to have those things. When I got married...I didn't even tell my sister and mom b/c I knew the drama it would bring. They never liked who I married to begin with simply b/c he didn't go along..nor respect what "their best interests were." He had my interests at heart only...and go figure....my mom and sis have typically been out to exploit me emotionally and tell me about how wrong I am about this and that or about how I don't do anything right...or my mom will boast about me to the point of causing conflict w/ my sister....causing jealousy...which causes my mom to get attention playing the good guy. It's just messed up. I'm to the point where I don't want any of them around but often question myself b/c they won't leave me alone. They want me around (not my sister so much anymore...she's given up trying to convert me into her little puppet...and has spread lies to the faimly to cause more dissension--to remover me farther). It's just so F88**D*D up. I don't want to raise my children in a family that is so dysfunctional. So, in the meantime...I distance myself...even tho my mom still plays the victim. My mom wrote me another email today. Blank message but the subject said she's sending a card for my daughter for her birthday next week.
I'll always be the heathen daughter, I don't know if its healthy to separate myself like this...but I HATE pretending w/ my mother. I think its a waste of my time to even acknowledge here..especially when she's drunk beyond remorse. Granted her and i have had good talks on the phone...but when it comes down to the real issues..and real responsibility....she ignores it and avoids it like the plague...or denies any problem exists.
I just can't handle anymore disappointments. I feel like I am stretched so thin with my own responsibilities and the only thing they are doing is trying to cause more problems.; They're not trying to help me. Not financially, not with child care, or anything else like that. They never have. For crying outloud...my mother put my name since I was 8 on bills and credit cards. When I was 20, I got a bill saying I owed 4800$ on a credit card. Thankfully, I was 17 at the time the purchases were made, so my mother got stuck w/ the bill...but still.
There have been so many disappointments...this woman..this family has more serious problems that are simply "more than imperfections." She's never cared for my safety or anything like that. Why should I forgive her...when she's stillt rying to do the same crap today? I forgive her to the point of moving on w/ my life...but just b/c I forgive someone...doesn't mean the pain does not exist of what I wish I had....and that would be...a normal family like everyone else.
sorry for venting...once again...I am just having a hard time with this.
As far as my boundaries go....I am not sure what I want anymore. My role in this family has always involved being caught between a rock and a hard place...at least that's how I've felt.
I know I can't control the actions of others. However, after 25 years....it doesn't mean that it still won't hurt. Not only that, healing can only go so far. I wasn't the one who broke the family into pieces and I'm not the one who can put them back together again...or even try to build something new. Certainly I can build my own life....that is what i can do.
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me. Corresponding w/ them on a frequent basis often has felt like being in a vaccuum...sucking the life out of me. Therefore, i'm not sure what my role in their life is anymore. Now the I have children...I have been more angry than ever before b/c it feels like it is happening to them ALL OVER AGAIN. That is partly why I never wanted to marry, never wanted to have kids, b/c I didn't want to go thru that disappointment, the loss, the greif ever again. Every time I'm at work, someone is boasting and gloating about how their mom and sister are going to help them plan their wedding...or pay for their wedding dress, or help with the baby, etc. I've never been able to have those things. When I got married...I didn't even tell my sister and mom b/c I knew the drama it would bring. They never liked who I married to begin with simply b/c he didn't go along..nor respect what "their best interests were." He had my interests at heart only...and go figure....my mom and sis have typically been out to exploit me emotionally and tell me about how wrong I am about this and that or about how I don't do anything right...or my mom will boast about me to the point of causing conflict w/ my sister....causing jealousy...which causes my mom to get attention playing the good guy. It's just messed up. I'm to the point where I don't want any of them around but often question myself b/c they won't leave me alone. They want me around (not my sister so much anymore...she's given up trying to convert me into her little puppet...and has spread lies to the faimly to cause more dissension--to remover me farther). It's just so F88**D*D up. I don't want to raise my children in a family that is so dysfunctional. So, in the meantime...I distance myself...even tho my mom still plays the victim. My mom wrote me another email today. Blank message but the subject said she's sending a card for my daughter for her birthday next week.
I'll always be the heathen daughter, I don't know if its healthy to separate myself like this...but I HATE pretending w/ my mother. I think its a waste of my time to even acknowledge here..especially when she's drunk beyond remorse. Granted her and i have had good talks on the phone...but when it comes down to the real issues..and real responsibility....she ignores it and avoids it like the plague...or denies any problem exists.
I just can't handle anymore disappointments. I feel like I am stretched so thin with my own responsibilities and the only thing they are doing is trying to cause more problems.; They're not trying to help me. Not financially, not with child care, or anything else like that. They never have. For crying outloud...my mother put my name since I was 8 on bills and credit cards. When I was 20, I got a bill saying I owed 4800$ on a credit card. Thankfully, I was 17 at the time the purchases were made, so my mother got stuck w/ the bill...but still.
There have been so many disappointments...this woman..this family has more serious problems that are simply "more than imperfections." She's never cared for my safety or anything like that. Why should I forgive her...when she's stillt rying to do the same crap today? I forgive her to the point of moving on w/ my life...but just b/c I forgive someone...doesn't mean the pain does not exist of what I wish I had....and that would be...a normal family like everyone else.
sorry for venting...once again...I am just having a hard time with this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I came on here this morning to post about my family, my holiday, and my frustrations.... but Reverse, reading your posts pretty well sums up my experience:
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me.
Execpt my Mom is not an A.... I, too, feel like the life being sucked out of me when I visit. I become more and more aware of the disfunction within my family as I have become healthier. What I struggle with is that my family believes they are so loving and supportive. So, the problem must be me, right? I just don't know how to communicate with them?? I have relinquished my role as some sort of cross between the "perfect" child, and the "stupid clutz"; and they don't know how to relate to me. So, they try their hardest to get me back into that role.
I usually host Tgiving dinner at my house, but since I am moving and my mother's health is not the greatest; offered to travel there (2 hrs) and prepare the meal at her house. It is nearer to most of the family, and then my Mom wouldn't have to travel. So, I organized, shopped for, and did most all of the preparation (Perfect child). Then it seems it gets to a point where they need to knock me down and remind me that I am not perfect. That's when my Mom has to start in with all the stories of when I fell down the stairs, or broke something, or did something any normal "non-perfect" kid did .... It was funny then, and it is even funnier now isn't it, ha ha ha ha!!!
It can still have me in tears, but I don't let them see that. My defense mechanisms of laughing at it and pretending it doesn't bother me are still my weapons of choice. I wonder what would happen if I asked them to stop, and tell them that it hurts?? Would I be labeled "too sensitive" and "can't take a joke"? I am too scared to try it and find out.
Thanks for the thread, Reverse. Helps to know others feel as messed up as I do
! You are loved, I am loved, even if those who are supposed to love us don't act that way.
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me.
Execpt my Mom is not an A.... I, too, feel like the life being sucked out of me when I visit. I become more and more aware of the disfunction within my family as I have become healthier. What I struggle with is that my family believes they are so loving and supportive. So, the problem must be me, right? I just don't know how to communicate with them?? I have relinquished my role as some sort of cross between the "perfect" child, and the "stupid clutz"; and they don't know how to relate to me. So, they try their hardest to get me back into that role.
I usually host Tgiving dinner at my house, but since I am moving and my mother's health is not the greatest; offered to travel there (2 hrs) and prepare the meal at her house. It is nearer to most of the family, and then my Mom wouldn't have to travel. So, I organized, shopped for, and did most all of the preparation (Perfect child). Then it seems it gets to a point where they need to knock me down and remind me that I am not perfect. That's when my Mom has to start in with all the stories of when I fell down the stairs, or broke something, or did something any normal "non-perfect" kid did .... It was funny then, and it is even funnier now isn't it, ha ha ha ha!!!
It can still have me in tears, but I don't let them see that. My defense mechanisms of laughing at it and pretending it doesn't bother me are still my weapons of choice. I wonder what would happen if I asked them to stop, and tell them that it hurts?? Would I be labeled "too sensitive" and "can't take a joke"? I am too scared to try it and find out.
Thanks for the thread, Reverse. Helps to know others feel as messed up as I do
! You are loved, I am loved, even if those who are supposed to love us don't act that way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
I came on here this morning to post about my family, my holiday, and my frustrations.... but Reverse, reading your posts pretty well sums up my experience:
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me.
Execpt my Mom is not an A.... I, too, feel like the life being sucked out of me when I visit. I become more and more aware of the disfunction within my family as I have become healthier. What I struggle with is that my family believes they are so loving and supportive. So, the problem must be me, right? I just don't know how to communicate with them?? I have relinquished my role as some sort of cross between the "perfect" child, and the "stupid clutz"; and they don't know how to relate to me. So, they try their hardest to get me back into that role.
I usually host Tgiving dinner at my house, but since I am moving and my mother's health is not the greatest; offered to travel there (2 hrs) and prepare the meal at her house. It is nearer to most of the family, and then my Mom wouldn't have to travel. So, I organized, shopped for, and did most all of the preparation (Perfect child). Then it seems it gets to a point where they need to knock me down and remind me that I am not perfect. That's when my Mom has to start in with all the stories of when I fell down the stairs, or broke something, or did something any normal "non-perfect" kid did .... It was funny then, and it is even funnier now isn't it, ha ha ha ha!!!
It can still have me in tears, but I don't let them see that. My defense mechanisms of laughing at it and pretending it doesn't bother me are still my weapons of choice. I wonder what would happen if I asked them to stop, and tell them that it hurts?? Would I be labeled "too sensitive" and "can't take a joke"? I am too scared to try it and find out.
Thanks for the thread, Reverse. Helps to know others feel as messed up as I do! You are loved, I am loved, even if those who are supposed to love us don't act that way.
My AM, Cod sister and numerous others are angry at me b/c they feel I don't want to have nothing to do with them. They want contact with me...but then get frustrated when I don't go with the flow of what "works for them". What works for them doesn't work for me and it hurts me that they haven't been considerate of what works for me.
Execpt my Mom is not an A.... I, too, feel like the life being sucked out of me when I visit. I become more and more aware of the disfunction within my family as I have become healthier. What I struggle with is that my family believes they are so loving and supportive. So, the problem must be me, right? I just don't know how to communicate with them?? I have relinquished my role as some sort of cross between the "perfect" child, and the "stupid clutz"; and they don't know how to relate to me. So, they try their hardest to get me back into that role.
I usually host Tgiving dinner at my house, but since I am moving and my mother's health is not the greatest; offered to travel there (2 hrs) and prepare the meal at her house. It is nearer to most of the family, and then my Mom wouldn't have to travel. So, I organized, shopped for, and did most all of the preparation (Perfect child). Then it seems it gets to a point where they need to knock me down and remind me that I am not perfect. That's when my Mom has to start in with all the stories of when I fell down the stairs, or broke something, or did something any normal "non-perfect" kid did .... It was funny then, and it is even funnier now isn't it, ha ha ha ha!!!
It can still have me in tears, but I don't let them see that. My defense mechanisms of laughing at it and pretending it doesn't bother me are still my weapons of choice. I wonder what would happen if I asked them to stop, and tell them that it hurts?? Would I be labeled "too sensitive" and "can't take a joke"? I am too scared to try it and find out.
Thanks for the thread, Reverse. Helps to know others feel as messed up as I do
! You are loved, I am loved, even if those who are supposed to love us don't act that way.When I first wrote that letter to my mom about a couple of months ago...it was difficult, but then I seemed to be getting better. Then little by little I start questioning myself again. Now I can't seem to get out of the rut of thinking that I'm the one w/ the problem. Mainily b/c I KNOW for a FACT that that is how my family is perceiving my actions. Drives me absolutely crazy and in a normal family--I should care what my family thinks of me...UNFORTUNATELY....it is not healthy for me to care what THIS family thinks of me. It is a difficult process and seems like my hatred grows more every day. I don't want to turn into an angry bitter person...but in some ways....it is happening. Long-term I know it will get better and the anger will eventually relieve itself and settle down little by little.
I guess I am tired of trying to be perfect and not being mad. I'm tired of acting like it doesn't bother me. I'm tired of constantly being told that "you just need to forgive them and move on". Well, I'm sorry but every time I have tried to move on, they go and do something once again to f**k it up. I'm tired of the emails from my mom, yet I can't bring myself to block her and oust her out of my life. But everytime I hear a word from her, it sets me off. No matter how hard I try to accept that she will never change, I still get angry. I know she won't change, but it doesn't mean that I won't still be angry. I believe in God...I've done that route, and still try to maintain that everyday. But just b/c I have God in my life does not mean that life will be without trial and that I don't have a right to be human. For so long I never allowed myself to feel anything. The only reason why I consider allowing my mom back into my life is b/c I am sick of this pain. I feel like I am wrong...once again...as I was taught when I was a child. NOt only that..but I dont have the time to deal w/ it. I feel like I am suffering the consequences for her stupid f***Cking actions once again. I didn't do anything wrong....but I'm the one who did it. I seriously hate her and I don't know why in the hell I would want to have anythign to do w/ someone so sick, selfish, sinister, and abusive. WHy can't I let go of the hope? I know she will never change...but I have chest pains just thinking about it.
I don't know. Thank you for sharing about your situation nowinsituation. I am sorry to hear about ur frustration. If you ever need to vent about it, I'm on messenger most days of the week...or email is fine too.
At the moment, i am at wits end...and finally feeling the anger that I should have felt all of these years. I mean...I have felt anger about it...but most of it was masked w/ hope...stupid gullible neive hope. I honestly just wish she would die and get it over with. I spoke with a person who's mil and fil's were both alcoholics and they both died as a result of it. They said that the entired family was relieved that they finally were gone. They were so surprised how relieving it was..as sad as it sounded. I know I shouldn't say that...but there comes a point where I would just love to hand her a gun and say here...get it over with b/c this is bs. They are killing themselves slowly and everything around them they destroy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I have detached from my alkie relatives even though it is the holidays. I went on a mimi vacation with a friend for Thanksgiving. I avoided the cigarettes and alcohol. I will do the same Xmas day. I stay out of the chaos and crazies. I did the meals with the alkies last year and was miserable. They have to blame everybody else to take the attention off of them. They get loud and beligerant. It is not fun. I will be pleasant over the phone if they call. I will send a card if they send one. It effected my life for years. I had to be there when I was a kid. No more. LOVE them from a distance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Have you ever tried Alanon? I have gone to Alanon meetings for about 2-3 months now and it has really helped me to work on my sanity and temper with my Amom and AH. I feel a bit better equipped to respond to them or not engage in their craziness. I have a long way to go but I am learning some very useful tools that really work because what I have been doing hasn't worked at all. It just makes things worse. I have had to go no contact with my AM before because I could not listen to her toxic words. The people in Alanon give their stories and what they did that worked for them, they don't tell how to fix the alcoholic but how to work on our behavior toward them and find freedom from the insanity. One of the sayings they have is "I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it." I needed to hear that because I wanted to fix my mom and help her to get sober. I thought I was doing right, but I wasn't because I can't change someone who refuses to admit they have a problem. I was obsessing over it, losing sleep etc... I needed to live my life and not worry about her drinking anymore and what could happen to her. I still have trouble with it but it is much better. It's a long process.
I hope there is one that is near you. It is hard at first to even go but well worth it if the group is loving and supportive. Most are. You need to get this out and heal from all the abuse you have suffered. You will hear others share their insane lives with their qualifying A and how they have found peace and serenity. It is what I needed and you need. Hey, it's free therapy and we all could use it from time to time. If one meeting time doesn't work for you don't give up there may be others that are better suited.
Like you said God doesn't always take away our pain but He is always there to get us through it one day at a time. He is in our stormy boat, keeping us from sinking until the sun shines and we find His peace within our hearts. So hopefully when the next storm hits, and it will, we will be better prepared for it ... Try Alanon if you can. You certainly have nothing to lose. But maybe much to gain. Their literature is great too. I was even able to find some of Alanon's books in the library!
I hope there is one that is near you. It is hard at first to even go but well worth it if the group is loving and supportive. Most are. You need to get this out and heal from all the abuse you have suffered. You will hear others share their insane lives with their qualifying A and how they have found peace and serenity. It is what I needed and you need. Hey, it's free therapy and we all could use it from time to time. If one meeting time doesn't work for you don't give up there may be others that are better suited.
Like you said God doesn't always take away our pain but He is always there to get us through it one day at a time. He is in our stormy boat, keeping us from sinking until the sun shines and we find His peace within our hearts. So hopefully when the next storm hits, and it will, we will be better prepared for it ... Try Alanon if you can. You certainly have nothing to lose. But maybe much to gain. Their literature is great too. I was even able to find some of Alanon's books in the library!
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