Just a random rant:
I spent Thanksgiving working b/c it was double pay and I needed the money to help pay for xmas presents for the girls. No one from my family of origin (sister, mother, biofather, grandparents) called to say hello or anything. I am wondering if that is my fault--and if I should be the one to call them. I haven't done that in the past 6 years and a few times my mom has called on the holidays. Idk, right now I am having difficulty with officially cutting them out of my life forever or just talking to them once in a while. I am having difficulty feeling like no one cares about me, what happens to me, that I have children and I somehow feel that I am the one who brought it on myself b/c everyone hates me. I feel like I screw up every relationship b/c I either get yelled at or never talked to again. I just don't understand life and feel like my mind is slipping out from under me. I am still mad at my mother for being a drunk (which is her choice--but I blame her for destroying our family--it is her fault as far as I'm concerned). She did send me an email on Thanksgiving--the text was blank and the subject said "missed". Wtf is that supposed to mean?
Good god. I feel like I am wrong with anything I do. I sent my grandparents and 3 aunts a video of me and my children when my newest daughter was born in August. Only 2 aunts responded positively--no word from my grandparents (my mom's parents--grandpa used to be an alcoholic in his younger years but went to AA and got sober).
I just don't understand and I'm tired of feeling sooo lonely and wrong and feeling like I did it to myself. Does anyone have any insight other than admitting myself into a mental hospital b/c that's often times how I feel I may end up.
Thks.