Thank you so much for your responses. I haven't posted here quite honestly, because I thought the corner we turned in August was real. I have now realized that it wasn't...and it has taken awhile for me to even believe it. I feel like I have my tail between my legs in an odd way. I feel foolish every time I have believed him.
Today, we had lunch together before he went to work. I've made it clear that his anger is ok-but his anger directed at me-it not ok anymore, so this leads to not much conversation. So...as we ate lunch quietly, he stopped and gave me the I'm sorry speech. Said he knows that he is responsible for a lot of our issues-says he has put me in a corner and pushed me away at the same time. For the first time, he wants to go to couple's counseling. This will be the second time for counseling. I told him don't even bother if he is doing this to go through the motions-I've seen all the moves.
I've dropped my gloves so to speak. Nothing to hide, but I said I just don't want anyone yelling at me anymore...I don't want that in my life. I haven't worked on myself, going to individual counseling for well over a year-to let anyone walk or talk over me anymore. Done with dysfunction. In a sense, I think he might see without the battle-it's just not "fun" anymore, no one to dominate or try to intimidate.
He admitted today-that living like this is not a life for either one of us. And, he said if he "can't get over" (the emails) then he should leave. I held my tongue-because there was SO much I could come back with...but for what? Doesn't matter...but I can't help but think...I helped put this man thru school (at 49 y/o)...put up with his addicted son...put up with the rage from both of his daughters...put up with basically-a lot.
He says he has hope in the relationship and I think this is a good sign. I am hopeful-but I cannot speak for him-only me. He also said he has noticed how hard I have worked on myself and it must be hard for me to make such great progress and then see him stuck-not moving. I said, really that isn't any of my business i.e. I try to stay on my side of the tracks anymore.
I'll keep posting...thank you so much...from the bottom of my heart-for all of the support you all give me. Incidentally, I do attend Al-Anon, but it conflicts with my indiv counseling. So, I attend when I can and I have two people in that group I would like to be my sponsor when I am done with counseling.
I guess I would like to know if anyone ever works a program...all I hear is the negative. If recovery is possible-what does it look like? Is this even possible? Probably rhetorical questions...!
Thank you all-:day6