I have poked my head in and out of the forum here, but quite honestly, I thought things had turned around a couple of months ago. I had posted some things that have happened between myself and RAH that have moved me. His posted signs of committment left on my nightstand; fresh flowers next to my bed, etc. But, then there is the ugly side.
A few months ago after enduring 7 years of well, a lot of hell from him and forgiveness and mercy on my side (really, not exaggerating this), obstinate step-children, self sacrifice...he found out I had exchanged some suggestive emails with a friend of his. I was at my bottom with the relationship-this other person who knew my RAH, offered me kindness-something that was simply rare in my world at the time. I was weak-and I responded in like kind, but never went any further than email.
RAH said he has forgiven me and he says the 7 years of hell he has created for me must have been horrible and he is just as much to blame. I thought he was finally seeing the other side of things-the consequeces of his ill-treatment of me.
Here is the part I haven't wanted to post because it has numbed me. He keeps bringing this up. Every week. Every week since September he has promised he wouldn't bring up the past and then 5 days go by and I am blindsighted again and the whole discussion, for lack of a better term is simply quacking on his side.
This week-he snooped on my blackberry. I have recently been in touch with friends I knew from elementary school from 30 years ago-it has been absolutely renewing to connect with my friends in this way. He read a bberry thread I exchanged with a male from my class-it's been 30 years...my RAH felt it was going "to far" and "this is the way things started before"...ah, how easy it is to point the finger at someone else so you don't have to point it at yourself. Unfortunately for him-this is a dear friend and I rose up and said I will NOT stop talking to friends. You are out of control and you crossed a boundary. He admitted he felt horrible about it...that was last week...just today-the past came up AGAIN.
I told him-I have never been so emotionally wiped out and empty ever in my life. I also keep thinking I can trust this man who isn't supposed to hurt me or bruise me emotionally-I gave him my heart and my trust. Today-I told him, go right ahead being angry-but LEAVE ME ALONE AND OUT OF IT. I guess, those were some magic words. He burst into tears, like a 5 year old and went upstairs and laid down on the bed crying. He is frustrated he cannot keep his promise to me by not bringing up the past. I told him-I'm not talking about anything unless we have a third party/counselor present. The fight in me-is gone. I am focusing on my boundary, knowing he is the one with the struggle-not me. I forgave myself a few months and forgave him for MANY things...because that is only way I could move on. He simply cannot accomplish this right now-and I told I will not be treated like this by anyone. I will not be treated like some kind of ***** or tramp because of emails. Again-easier to point fingers at me rather work on himself.
I'm sorry this is long...I am just devastated...it took everything in me to cook a sitdown dinner for 17 last night when I had to keep taking a "cry" break so I could just keep it together. If nothing else...I am figuring out I have to keep the boundary of not talking and/or engaging.
Thank you for listening...again.