BeachAngel

Hello,

I have been here before; this is my FOURTH time trying to quit drinking in almost two years since I realized I am alchohol dependent. I really want to stop but at night it gets to me and I have a drink which leads to a complete nightmare of not being able to stop.

I am still in trouble. I am STILL doing this. Every day I say this is the last day but I only get 2-3 days together and then it is as bad as needing food or water. I try to limit myself to only one bottle of wine but always have some in reserves "just in case". The pull is just so hard on those days it is like I CANNOT do anything else. I have got to drink, I will start over another day is what I think.

I did go 62 days at one point which led me to believe I was okay. "I can drink again...if I made it 62 days I will only drink about every 10 days or so or only once a month". That is such crazy thinking, counting the days between a drink. No normal drinker does this but is seems everyone else is a normal drinker.

This is the only place in the world that I can be my true self, not even AA or a therapist can help me. I am only admitting here to you:

I am an escort/dinner date companion. I know to some this sounds bad but I am not only having sex for money. The people I meet with are hurting, they are in need of help themselves mainly acceptance. I meet with very successful men, some married some not but all are in need of love and acceptance. They tell me their problems from a health problem they have not told their family about to feelings of insecurity at work even though they are the CEO of the company. I do enjoy my work and it is not that I want to quit. These men treat me very well and provide with the means I need to survive, donate to others, and provide for my daughter. I get no child support or alimony. I want to be with my daughter and escorting gives me the money I need to work only part time and spend the rest of my time with my daughter. I also donate much of my income to others and the animal shelter.

As great as it is, escorting also leads me into drinking. I don't drink much with these men but just enough so they have a great time. It is expected to have a glass of wine or champagne to relax and unwind with them. I drink a bit with them and the go home and drink another bottle or two. That is where the problem is.

There are some escorts that don't drink, many are into fitness and don't include alcohol in their diets. I don't know how they do it. These men put a glass of champagne in front of me and I slowly drink it while listening to their certain problem and then can't wait to get back home so I can "let loose" and drink by myself. It is like a reward.

It is probably just an excuse actually, more men don't drink than those that do. I am foregoing tomorrows appointments because of drinking tonight at a cost of $2000 tomorrow. (That is not what I make EVERY day by the way, just tomorrow, I sometimes go a week without an appointment.)

My question is this:

1) How do others get over the social/work expectation that one should drink? Do you just not go to dinners or social events that people are drinking?

2) I think I need more help than just willpower. Should I go to AA? I would have to lie in AA about my job because I am not willing to give up my privacy regarding my job. Can I go through the steps and have a sponsor with this huge lie? Should I totally ADMIT everything at an AA meeting?

3) I don't like the term "alcoholic" and I don't want to admit that or say I am such. I am a very positive person that goes over my list of goals every day, I am a yoga teacher and I don't believe in labels. Must I say in AA that "My name is ____ and I am an alchoholic" before every statement?

Thank you so much, this is the only place I can get help. I really appreciate your responses. I want this and I don't know any other way to go about this.

Beach Angel