BeachAngel

Hello,

I have been here before; this is my FOURTH time trying to quit drinking in almost two years since I realized I am alchohol dependent. I really want to stop but at night it gets to me and I have a drink which leads to a complete nightmare of not being able to stop.

I am still in trouble. I am STILL doing this. Every day I say this is the last day but I only get 2-3 days together and then it is as bad as needing food or water. I try to limit myself to only one bottle of wine but always have some in reserves "just in case". The pull is just so hard on those days it is like I CANNOT do anything else. I have got to drink, I will start over another day is what I think.

I did go 62 days at one point which led me to believe I was okay. "I can drink again...if I made it 62 days I will only drink about every 10 days or so or only once a month". That is such crazy thinking, counting the days between a drink. No normal drinker does this but is seems everyone else is a normal drinker.

This is the only place in the world that I can be my true self, not even AA or a therapist can help me. I am only admitting here to you:

I am an escort/dinner date companion. I know to some this sounds bad but I am not only having sex for money. The people I meet with are hurting, they are in need of help themselves mainly acceptance. I meet with very successful men, some married some not but all are in need of love and acceptance. They tell me their problems from a health problem they have not told their family about to feelings of insecurity at work even though they are the CEO of the company. I do enjoy my work and it is not that I want to quit. These men treat me very well and provide with the means I need to survive, donate to others, and provide for my daughter. I get no child support or alimony. I want to be with my daughter and escorting gives me the money I need to work only part time and spend the rest of my time with my daughter. I also donate much of my income to others and the animal shelter.

As great as it is, escorting also leads me into drinking. I don't drink much with these men but just enough so they have a great time. It is expected to have a glass of wine or champagne to relax and unwind with them. I drink a bit with them and the go home and drink another bottle or two. That is where the problem is.

There are some escorts that don't drink, many are into fitness and don't include alcohol in their diets. I don't know how they do it. These men put a glass of champagne in front of me and I slowly drink it while listening to their certain problem and then can't wait to get back home so I can "let loose" and drink by myself. It is like a reward.

It is probably just an excuse actually, more men don't drink than those that do. I am foregoing tomorrows appointments because of drinking tonight at a cost of $2000 tomorrow. (That is not what I make EVERY day by the way, just tomorrow, I sometimes go a week without an appointment.)

My question is this:

1) How do others get over the social/work expectation that one should drink? Do you just not go to dinners or social events that people are drinking?

2) I think I need more help than just willpower. Should I go to AA? I would have to lie in AA about my job because I am not willing to give up my privacy regarding my job. Can I go through the steps and have a sponsor with this huge lie? Should I totally ADMIT everything at an AA meeting?

3) I don't like the term "alcoholic" and I don't want to admit that or say I am such. I am a very positive person that goes over my list of goals every day, I am a yoga teacher and I don't believe in labels. Must I say in AA that "My name is ____ and I am an alchoholic" before every statement?

Thank you so much, this is the only place I can get help. I really appreciate your responses. I want this and I don't know any other way to go about this.

Beach Angel

littlefish

Nice to see you again beach angel! You had a little list of questions and I will try to answer, keeping in mind that NO, I may not have the right answer but can only speak for myself!

Well....that is like saying "carpenty leads me to drinking". Our occupations and what we do don't lead us to drink. For me, the reasons I drank had to do with a deep sense of unhappiness. That feeling was not related to what I did for a living or who I was with or where I lived or....or this or that. But, having said that....other alcoholics describe their "feeling for drinking" in other terms. It is very individual. What drives us to drink is personal.

That is a really basic question that people ask here a lot. People use all kinds of methods, ranging from having a ready answer such as: "I don't drink" to "I'm taking medication". Some people early in sobriety don't attend any events with alcohol.

Absolutely not!!! Look at the second word in the name of this organization: anonymous.
You are not expected to provide any of that kind of information about yourself at an aa meeting. People don't want to know what you do for a living or where you live, etc, etc. They simply want to talk about how to stop drinking and stay sober.

I have actually never been to a meeting, and I am going on 16 months of aa meetings, where anyone has mentioned what they do for a living. They simply say: "my job" and you can do the same.
As far as getting a sponsor and talking about being an escort, I imagine that most sponsors would not bat an eye. But, there again, you don't have to tell your sponsor what you do for a living. Your sponsor is primarily concerned with helping you stop drinking and stay sober. Most of your discussions will be about that.

My personal view is that there is a reason why stating we are alcoholics is a part of aa meeting protocal: it is a psychological tool. It is a way of opposing our own sense of denial about our own condition. It is used not to shame us, but to help us admit who we are. Society shames us, but when we walk into the rooms of aa, we don't say we are alcoholics with a sense of shame but with a sense of hope that we will recover and a sense of honesty that we can accept who we are.

Keep coming back to SR and if you are nervous about going to AA, you can call the AA hotline in your area and ask if someone will take you to your first meeting. You can request a woman, someone close to your age, whatever.

Tazman53

BeachAngel littlefish gave some fine answers, I will answer the same questions basically to show that even though there are no rules in AA, there is still consistancy and HOPE!

BeachAngel alcoholism is a progressive disease, an alcoholics alcoholism gets worse with every single drink they have, it never gets better or levels off, it always gets worse! AA is full of people who can attest to this and the main stream medical community states that alcoholism is a progressive disease, AA, the main stream medical community and almost every other recovery program knows that the only way to stop the progression of alcoholism is TOTAL abstinance.

The last 5 years of my drinking I was at the point where I was beginning physical withdrawals before 1PM every day, I honestly doubt if I drew a sober breath the last 5 years of my drinking.

I can well relate to this, I fought it for many years and just finally said towards the end "Ah to hell with fighting it, I am just going to drink!"

One of 3 things probably, either they are not alcoholics, they just do not drink, or possibly they are alcoholics in recovery. Unless one is a wine taster or the like there is not one job in the world I can think of that requires drinking by the person doing the job, some bar tenders do not drink at all.

You know you have made an observation that most of us were incapable of making until we had quit drinking, for many years I thought EVERY ONE drank, when I began to see that all those people I thought were drinking did not drink like I did I began to isolate because I did not want people to know how much I drank or how often.

To be honest for the first 3-4 months I totally avoided places where I knew drinking was going to be going on just to be safe. Slowly as I took the steps with my sponsor my obsession to drink was lifted, today I go any where I wish to go as long as there is a reason for me to be there.

I go out to dinner with my wife and freinds and almost all of them have an occasinal drink, it does not bother me nor tempt me in the least, they drink thier drinks and I drink tea or soda. I go to professinal sporting events, I drink coffee, soda or tea, and discovered that most folks that attend do the same thing, the beer line is actually shorter then the soda line! I have gone to wedding receptions with no issues at all!

Now I do not go to keggers or any other party that its primary purpose is to drink and possibly get drunk, why would I? I have no desire at all to drink or get drunk any more.

Going to AA sure will not hurt you at all, I would suggest going to ladies meetings at first just to where you will see that you are NOT ALONE!!!! I can assure you that in time you will discover you are not the first escort or hooker to decide they needed help in staying sober and living a good life.

In AA we do not sit in meetings sharing every little dirty detail of our present life nor our past, we share in a "General Way", here is a quote from the book Alcoholics Anonymous:

There is no purpose served by someone sharing details, we share enough to where others no in a general way what we are talking about.

Now in going through the steps with a sponsor, well one of the things needed in order to recover is HONESTY!! Not only with our selfs, but with others as well. In selecting a sponsor we look for some one we can trust with our very lifes. Secrets keep many of us drunk, we need to rid our selfs of guilt, shame and resentments, I found that in order for me to hold my head high and be able to look people in the eye I needed to rid myself of ALL my secrets, the bigger the secret I found, the more important it was to get it out!

This does not mean we tell every single person in AA or our lifes our secrets, what it means is that we sit down with some one we trust and let the secret out to them.... secrets lose all thier power over us once they are no longer a secret.

I was in a step study meeting a couple of years ago and we were discussing steps 4 & 5, this one lady who I had known for a while that was happily married and had a young child shared of the freedom she felt when she shared with her sponsor during her step 5 that she had been a hooker for some time simply to allow her to keep drinking the way she wanted to drink, she shared that at that instant she felt the weight of the world lift off of her shoulders, the shame and guilt were gone, the secret was no longer a secret and held no power over her.

Would I share something that personal in a meeting? I doubt it, but I did share some real crap with my sponsor when I did my 5th step, something that had been eating my lunch for 40 years, I experienced the same feelings as that lady.

Oh yea, my will power had served me well my entire life, there was nothing I could not do with sheer will power......... except stopping drinking and staying stopped.

You know for many years I hated being called an alcoholic, because I was still drinking it did not mean "Alcoholic" to me, it meant "DRUNK" which is exactly what I really was when I was drinking, I was a "DRUNK" when I was drinking, not an "Alcoholic"!

You do not have to even mention the word alcoholic in an AA meeting, you can simply say "Hi, I am BeachAngel". I will tell you this, once I quit drinking and was no longer a "DRUNK", I became an "Alcoholic".... a "Recovering Alcoholic"!

There is a joke that I have heard both in AA and from people out side of AA, it goes like this:

Q. Do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A. An alcoholic goes to meetings!

WHy not call up the AA hotline in your area and ask about some ladies meetings, you can walk in, grab a cup of coffee, sit in the very back, not say a single word, and just listen, listen for things you can relate to.

Hevyn

Welcome, BeachAngel. littlefish & Taz have already said so many good & helpful things. I hope you'll stay here with us. You're well on your way when you can face the fact that you're dependent on alcohol to get you through your life. As already stated, it's a progressive disease. I know first hand what that means. I was once at the stage where you are now. I didn't see that alcohol was sucking the life out of me. I kept going. It robbed me of everything that was important in my life before I finally came to SR and got the support I needed.

I don't currently attend AA meetings, but have in the past when they were court-ordered. I never once stood up & said I was an alcoholic, & no one asked about my profession. It didn't seem like anyone noticed or cared. Meetings could be valuable help for you. By the sound of your post, you desperately need to unburden yourself and have a fresh start. Please share with us how you are doing. We care.

GotItFirstTime

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that your primary illeness is NOT alcholism although many would think differently. I will go even further out on that same limb and say that it is the Band-Aid to a deeper more conplicated issue. The idea is this: that gnawing, that empty feeling inside of each of us is real. the feelings are real, the emotions are real and that HOLE is very real. We proceed to fill that HOLE with anything and everything possible including alcohol. But it is not a bottle shaped HOLE. One of an alcoholic's worst feels is that of loniliness. We will do everything possible to not feel lonely and not be alone. In many cases this includes justifying hurtfull habits while denying the actual loniliness. I know this sounds like Freud- Psycho-babble but it is not. In truth it refers more to the spiritual battle we all fight between the FLESH and the SPIRIT. The FLESH screams for what it wants each day while the SPIRIT cries no, it will only bring pain and shame. Many would think I am refering to co-dependentcy but this is more like SLAA - Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous where people have sex and love all twisted around and use drugs and alcohol to reduce the shame of what they do. Again, I refer to the beginning and the fact that I am out on a limb here but I want to be sure that we are not treating the wrong illness here by remaining focused on the alcohol? Only you know for sure, not me, not them, but reading your post, I see you went directly to escort/dinner date leading me to believe that you want it to be one thing when in fact it may be something totally different?

DesertKate

You said: "As great as it is, escorting also leads me into drinking. "

The fact that alcohol is present in your "work environment", as it is for so many of us in the business world, is certainly one issue. But one you've not acknowledged in your lengthy post is a far more serious one: selling your body to strangers would seem to REQUIRE some level of anesthetization in order to do it day after day, night after night.

Over the last thirty years in AA, I've known several women who were prostitutes at one time, also, and each eventually were honest with others in the program about what they did. It's an honest program, as we say, and no one is going to kick you out or look down upon you for honesty. But neither will anyone with any real sobriety, such as a sponsor, enable behavior that is spiritually, emotionally or physically self destructive in such an extreme way.

A very high percentage of women alcoholics were victims of childhood sexual abuse and, as you might be aware, upwards of 80% of female prostitutes were also. And, of course, a very high percentage of prostitutes are alcoholics or addicts.

If you do ultimately commit yourself to getting sober, getting well, I do not believe you will be able to continue what you are doing for long. Reading between the lines of your post, I sense you know this and are afraid and unwilling to deal with it. It is entirely your choice, of course, as it is for each of us. But sobriety is a prize so far above anything else life can offer us, that you may be surprised by how much you are ultimately willing to change. Believe me, I made changes in my life and relationships that I never anticipated and never thought I could undertake. But I did and so do millions of others. The alternative to sobriety, especially for you, sounds pretty dismal in the long run. I hope you choose life and that that life surprises the heck out of you with how wonderful and fulfilling it turns out to be.

Good luck.

Tazman53

You know in reading what DesertKate & GotItFirstTime have said I would simply ask a question for you to ponder upon. When you look your daughter in the eye today do you ever feel a need to escape from the reality of your life away from her? From your initial post on this thread I sense a great deal of regret in your chosen profession and self justify it by saying it allows you to spend a great deal of time with your daughter. Is the time you spend with her quality time?

Dorie

Welcome back BeachAngel !!

GotItFirstTime

Inside each of us is " Moral Fiber". That fiber is torn and tattered by the way we lived our life and the things that happen to us early on. Many of us believe that daily sexual escapes are a "need" when in fact they are a cover up. We see women trapped in night clubs all around the world and why? Their moral fiber is so damaged it is all they feel they deserve. God gave each of us a set of principles. Over the years we bend the truth and warp the truth into beleivable things. Then we begin to cover up our shame with alcohol or drugs. I am not saying this is you because I do not know you. But if you are like 100s of others I have dealt with again I say the Alcolhol is a Band-Aid covering up a much deeper issue rooted in shame. I/we would never judge you but maybe you are judging yourself to harshly?

Gypsy Feet

Welcome. I don't share about work at AA meetings, I try and listen. In my experience honey, thats putting the horse before the cart. Go to the meetings and stay quiet about work if thats what you need to do. Find a sponsor who has many years sober. I don't think I have ever heard anyone share the specifics of their job openly in a meeting.

BeachAngel

I have read every word and thank you all so much for replying.

I introduced escorting in this thread because I am concerned about going to AA and the fact that I felt the need to be totally and completely honest with the people there. I now see that I don't have to be open about work, I only have to be open about drinking and the problem at hand. I was also concerned about what to tell clients but I see that others have the same difficulties I have with social expectations and I appreciate and value your advice I am not having any luck quitting on my own, this is my forth serious attempt. I have gone to meetings but not involved myself in the program thinking I could do it on my own, but I can't.

On a side note; I don't want this to turn into a thread about escorting and why I do it, drinking wine at night is my problem. It is not that I am forced to do what I do by dating these men. I am treated very well by clients and I am actually very grateful that I have this means so I can dedicate my life doing what I love which is spending time with my daughter and helping others. I have a great relationship with my daughter, I love to be with her. We travel, visit museums, zoos, volunteer with dog rescue, and generally have a great life together. I have no plans to introduce a man into our household until my daughter is grown, which is only a couple of years away. For now I am cherishing this relationship with her and have dedicated my life to raising her. Escorting is my only dating life, I date men who are able to provide for me financially and they understand that they are not a part of my other life, the life I share with my daughter. When I have dated men without this certain agreement, they have always wanted to come into the life I share with her and then resented the closeness I share with my child. Escorting gives me the ability to spend my life doing what I love while providing me with the time and financial means to persue my original goals. That is all I have to say about it.

Today is day one and I am excited about my new life! I really want this and I am going to make some changes in my personal life. I am going to a meeting today and introducing myself to people. I want you all to know that your words here and your advice is so helpful. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

Thank you,

BA

GotItFirstTime

Escorting is my only dating life, I date men who are able to provide for me financially

The issue here is in the definitions, courting, dating, intimantcy, marriage & sex, not about a job or a career. By defining what we are really doing, we find our true path.

BeachAngel

Again, I respectfully request that my lifestyle choices are not the topic of discussion here.

I welcome advice or information relevant to a drinking problem.

Thank you,

BA

Lenina

BeachAngel,

Welcome! I hope you'll stick around! There's lots of support here, as you can see. Do give AA a try. I think you'll be surprised by the acceptance and non-judgmental atmosphere. As suggested, give AA a call and ask about Women only meetings.

Do continue to post here and read the stickies.

Love,

Lenina

Tazman53

One BIG word of advice, if the meeting you go to is not to your liking, try others.

AA meetings all have thier own personality, I will be the first to tell you that some AA meetings stink!!!! Now I was desperate when I first got sober, I want to a ton of meetings, most I found what I was looking for, but in a few I found nothing! BUT and a VERY BIG BUT, just because a certain meeting may not help me is not to say that the very same meeting may be exactly what some one else needs.

If the meeting you go to you do not find what you want go to others, you will find like I did a core group of meetings that fit the bill for you.

cambridge

Welcome Beach Angel!

I would also recomend AA, and second what Tazman said about the meetings having different personalities. Go to a few and find the ones you like. No one cares who you are or what you do, which is the beauty of AA. Bums and CEOs are equal in their resolve to stop drinking. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to say anything you don't want to.

And I would most definitely refrain from talking about your profession. As you can see even from the earlier posts on this thread, there are a lot of people with a lot of different values and opinions on the way the world works. I'm sure you know that already though.

I have found great support in my first month of sobriety from the meetings and really enjoyed the support that I have received at AA. And I have found that the anxiety and depression has lifted quite a bit since I stopped drinking. One day at a time.

What kind of yoga do you teach?

Dee74

Hi Beach Angel

Many people have drinking and drinking habits associated directly with their job - salespeople, executives, bartenders...I was a working musician for many years so I know what you mean.

It is still possible to recover tho. No job is reason enough to keep hurting ourselves through drinking or using.

I'm not an AAer but the advice you've gotten here on meeting sounds good to me.
Keep us updated on how it goes.

D

DesertKate

Hey, beachangel- let us know how you're doing and how you felt after your meeting. Hang in there!

clos

Welcome beachangel! I have alot in common with you and can understand how you are feeling...Good luck to you and hang in there, you can do this...Keep us posted regarding your meetings

Ninsuna

Welcome, Beachangel. Littlefish and Taz pretty much said it all, the only caution I would throw in is that some women in AA can get a lot of unwanted attention disguised as "helping the newcomer". It can mess with your head and interfere with getting sober. Nothing like starting out with a resentments against half the people in the room. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess you're well above average in the looks department, you may find a more healing atmosphere in women's meetings.