Nikki2003

To always make the wrong decisions or make the wrong choices in me? Seriously what the hell is wrong with me? I know it has been a while since I posted. I have a ton of updates.

First my husband. He breached the no contact order agian in August at the court house. He kept putting back his plea date because he knows that if he pleads guilty then he could go to jail for a year or longer because of how many times he has breached. Well he finally decided to take it to trial. That is scheduled for the end of January. He has no hope in winning because it is on video and there is a witness as well as my statement. But he has to fight it or end up in jail right away. Other then seeing him at court dates for family court I have not seen him at all. He looks awful when I do see him though. He always shows up in his cowboy hat, unshaved or even showered(can tell from the smell) and dirty clothes that are very tattered. I feel nothing anymore when I see him. So that is my update on him.

My update on my kids is sadder. It was going really well for a while. I was seeing them every week unsupervised and even got to have them for thanksgiving long weekend in October(canadian here). But when they went back from the weekend visit my mother coached them to lie to their lawyer about what was going on here. My daughter told her lawyer that the man I was seeing at the time was making out with me on the couch the entire time and the kids were responsible for themselves and the house. All was crap and can be proven as crap in court. My lawyer says that is good because since it is provable to be lies it puts my parents on the spot. The man I was with worked every night from 10 till 6am. Then went to a friends place to sleep untill 4 and was here usually are 4:30. He helped with supper, and helped put the boys to bed by reading them stories while I cleaned up the house from the day of play and dishes. When he was here the only time he and I did anything was when the boys were in bed and it was a dance around the kitchen floor. My daughter did see him kiss me once when he dipped me after our dance. I never got to sit with him. We have video and other peoples testimony that were at the house as well. The only down side is that until the next court date where my lawyer can prove the testimony as false social services refuses to answer my phone calls hence denying me any visits. And when I phone my kids my mother gives me the 3rd degree. So that has been stopped as well. The only good part right now is my husband does not want to go to trial. So has requested a JDR instead.

THe last news is about the guy I was seeing. He is 40. I knew his oldest daughter first. Her and I met through another friend and became fast friends. She introduced us. I met his mother, some of his other friends. Thought I had got the low down on him. THe problem is I know even with doing all that and getting good reports from everyone I jumped in too fast. I was lonely and soo stressed with all that has gone on with my ex and my kids. I wanted to feel loved and supported. After a while he moved in with me. I know. Big mistake. But everyone thought it was fine. He had a job and paid a little towards the expenses. We never fought. Seriously never. It was the calmest relationship I ever had. There was tons of communication and we respected each other space and time and spent time with our seperate friends as well. FOr 2 months everything was going great. Then on halloween he went to work at ten saying he would be off at 7am. We had had tacos that night and had been working on our Christmas budget earlier in the day. I thought nothing was wrong. by 9am he had not come home. I phoned his work since he was not answering his cell. I was so worried that he got into an accident. They let me know he had only been scheduled to work till 4am. HUH? I phoned his best friend. He was as confused as I was. They are no longer friends now. By noon I texted his phone that if I did not hear from him within 30 minutes I was going to call the cops and the hospitals and so on. He called a few minutes later. Telling me it was over and that he was not ready to be in a relationship. That was it. He said I did nothing wrong. Then he hung up. I was in complete shock. I have since found out that he was seeing his ex while he was with me, saying he was at work on days he didn't work and was going there. Also found out that he has a serious problem with weed. I saw none of the signs. Neither did his friends and family. His daughter is no longer talking to him. And the biggest worry is I could be pregnant. We did use protect most of the time but sometimes I have to be honest everything just got too heated too fast. He knows I could be pregnant and he says the only way he will be there to be a support at the doctors visits and so on is if his girlfriend can come too. Ummmm NO. I basically cut all communication with him.

Now I am seriously doubting myself. My therapist told me that other then moving too fast I was smart to get to know his family and friends first before getting too serious and that I should not beat myself up too much. I can't help it though. THis year has been a year of hell and bad decisions. Will I ever get it right? His exbest friend let me know that he was basically using me to make his ex jealous and smarten up. What a con job he did on me. His family and friends say he did the same con on them because I guess he had told them he was going to propose to me. I just don't get it. Do I have dumbass written on my forehead? I am just so tired of being alone in all that has gone on when my husband has someone to love him and curl up with and destress with. I would love a shoulder to cry on too somedays. I would love the support and a warm body to hold me too. I am tired of this fight for my life and kids back all on my own. I feel like I am carrying the world with no relief in sight and more weight pilling up.
Nikki