This is destroying me.
Ive come to realize that over the last two years that I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend I have been changing into a different person. A person I dont like at all. I would hope that I could have stayed as I was - bubbly, confident, happy, goofy, friendly, approachable. But now things are so different. I dont have any of the same friends I did - either they hate my boyfriend and stopped talking to me or they got sick of hearing me talk about how his drinking was hurting our relationship. It is so damn sad to realize I barely have any friends now. I know this isnt all his fault. I mean I ALLOWED this to happen. Im not approachable - when people talk to me I get scared and give them the answer they want and then run away. Im to embarrassed to go up to anyone anymore bc all I can think is that they are judging me. I get mad at my boyfriend for going out during the week and I realize I must look pretty pathetic bc I have nobody to go out with like I used to. I want to blame him so bad but I know that he didnt FORCE me to be this way and only I can change this.
I tell him that he makes me feel worthless - he has never said it to my face but he doesnt need to. He barely spends more than 1-2 days a week with me - other times he is out with his friends. He cancels plans on me to hang out with his friends. He has refused to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem and said if things were bad it was my fault. He has since addmitted to having a problem - but now he is like "I am working on me and I think you need to work on you!" I would think he means things like being the person I used to be - but he doesnt - he means, not nagging him, not bitching about things he does...selfish things that only do good for him. So of course I dont see these as huge problems but when we fight he yells that I dont change and I have no room to tell him he needs to change when I cant even do anything on my own.
This weekend he went out with a friend and didnt answer or return my texts all night. His friends do NOT care about his addiction and they just feed it - but he treats them better than me. I was upset bc I had been begging him to spend some time with me and he chose to go out anyway. I told him if he ever did that again I would leave him - Its so disrespectful to treat me like that - like I dont matter and am so easy to ignore. That night I said **** it and went out w a girl I play pool with - we had fun and I had a few drinks. I got really drunk though bc I have stopped drinking to support him - this was the first time I drank in about 3 months and didnt realize that I needed to watch how much I drank - well I get home and he was mad that i left!!! I wanted to laugh in his face - he had the balls to ask me that when he does it to me all the time. The next day after he cooled down he told me that he wasnt thinking in the right place and he shouldnt have left me - thats when I told him I wouldnt put up with it anymore.
Ive realized that Im getting more and more depressed. Im already on antidepressants and they want to add another one. Im already upset that I have put weight on since I met him - so taking a drug that will help me gain more weight isnt something I want.
I feel worthless, Im losing important people in my life, Im too depressed to change any of it. I cant even motivate myself to go to the gym - I used to go all the time and now I never do. Some days Im so angry at myself for staying as long as I have. I hope things change once he is done with treatment but I know treatment is going to pose new challenges for us. Some days Im thinking "Just deal with it - hopefully things will be better and you can move on" other days I think "How pathetic are you that you let somebody treat you like this for 2 years"
He has emotionally beaten me down - last year was the worst. I wouldnt wish what I went through on anyone. This year things are better and he knows what he had done was wrong - but he still has anger issues and he still doesnt always think straight - we will fight and then the next day he will tell me he was wrong. His defenses are unlike any I have ever known. If he says something and I correct him - sometimes he will start a fight just bc he doesnt want to be wrong.
I dont even know what he sees in me anymore - Im not the cute bubbly outgoing girl I was when he met me. Im depressed, withdrawn and jesus I dont even care what look like when I leave the house anymore. I used to always be dressed to the T and now...jeans and a hoody most of the time.
I want the old me back so bad.
Im sorry - this was more just me rambling than a valid post :/