This is destroying me.

Old 11-17-2009, 02:24 PM
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This is destroying me.

Ive come to realize that over the last two years that I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend I have been changing into a different person. A person I dont like at all. I would hope that I could have stayed as I was - bubbly, confident, happy, goofy, friendly, approachable. But now things are so different. I dont have any of the same friends I did - either they hate my boyfriend and stopped talking to me or they got sick of hearing me talk about how his drinking was hurting our relationship. It is so damn sad to realize I barely have any friends now. I know this isnt all his fault. I mean I ALLOWED this to happen. Im not approachable - when people talk to me I get scared and give them the answer they want and then run away. Im to embarrassed to go up to anyone anymore bc all I can think is that they are judging me. I get mad at my boyfriend for going out during the week and I realize I must look pretty pathetic bc I have nobody to go out with like I used to. I want to blame him so bad but I know that he didnt FORCE me to be this way and only I can change this.

I tell him that he makes me feel worthless - he has never said it to my face but he doesnt need to. He barely spends more than 1-2 days a week with me - other times he is out with his friends. He cancels plans on me to hang out with his friends. He has refused to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem and said if things were bad it was my fault. He has since addmitted to having a problem - but now he is like "I am working on me and I think you need to work on you!" I would think he means things like being the person I used to be - but he doesnt - he means, not nagging him, not bitching about things he does...selfish things that only do good for him. So of course I dont see these as huge problems but when we fight he yells that I dont change and I have no room to tell him he needs to change when I cant even do anything on my own.

This weekend he went out with a friend and didnt answer or return my texts all night. His friends do NOT care about his addiction and they just feed it - but he treats them better than me. I was upset bc I had been begging him to spend some time with me and he chose to go out anyway. I told him if he ever did that again I would leave him - Its so disrespectful to treat me like that - like I dont matter and am so easy to ignore. That night I said **** it and went out w a girl I play pool with - we had fun and I had a few drinks. I got really drunk though bc I have stopped drinking to support him - this was the first time I drank in about 3 months and didnt realize that I needed to watch how much I drank - well I get home and he was mad that i left!!! I wanted to laugh in his face - he had the balls to ask me that when he does it to me all the time. The next day after he cooled down he told me that he wasnt thinking in the right place and he shouldnt have left me - thats when I told him I wouldnt put up with it anymore.

Ive realized that Im getting more and more depressed. Im already on antidepressants and they want to add another one. Im already upset that I have put weight on since I met him - so taking a drug that will help me gain more weight isnt something I want.

I feel worthless, Im losing important people in my life, Im too depressed to change any of it. I cant even motivate myself to go to the gym - I used to go all the time and now I never do. Some days Im so angry at myself for staying as long as I have. I hope things change once he is done with treatment but I know treatment is going to pose new challenges for us. Some days Im thinking "Just deal with it - hopefully things will be better and you can move on" other days I think "How pathetic are you that you let somebody treat you like this for 2 years"

He has emotionally beaten me down - last year was the worst. I wouldnt wish what I went through on anyone. This year things are better and he knows what he had done was wrong - but he still has anger issues and he still doesnt always think straight - we will fight and then the next day he will tell me he was wrong. His defenses are unlike any I have ever known. If he says something and I correct him - sometimes he will start a fight just bc he doesnt want to be wrong.

I dont even know what he sees in me anymore - Im not the cute bubbly outgoing girl I was when he met me. Im depressed, withdrawn and jesus I dont even care what look like when I leave the house anymore. I used to always be dressed to the T and now...jeans and a hoody most of the time.

I want the old me back so bad.

Im sorry - this was more just me rambling than a valid post :/
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:14 PM
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This is where your journey begins. You have realized that you need to focus on yourself.

While I was living with an active alcoholic, I was always focusing on him and his actions. I was always trying to anticipate and head off the next binge. I finally realized that I was not responsible for him and his actions. The only thing I can control is myself.

I did not like what I had become. I had to learn to respect myself and learn to love myself. My journey began here at SR and it includes Al-anon meetings and self-help books.

Have you started attending Alanon meetings yet?

Do something tonight for yourself like a bubble bath and/or polish your toenails.

(((C2P)))
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:28 PM
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Welcome to SR Cucumber!

The dance of alcoholism always takes victims, and you are not alone. When we, as partners and spouses reach the end of our rope and discover that our lives are unmanageable as they are, we can start to change.

Al-Anon is another great place to meet other people who are where you are, who have been where you are, and who are getting better. Melody Beattie's book, "Codependent No More" is also a great place to start.

In the meantime, check out the stickied posts at the top of the forum, keep reading and keep posting. We are here and we care about you.
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:56 PM
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Cucumber, You are SO NOT alone!

My relationship with my A wasn't nearly as long as yours, only 8 months of my life, but these last 8 months I became a completely different person as well. COMPLETELY wrapped up in him, HIS problems, HIS pain, HIS life.....
and I became isolated. Lonelier than I have ever felt. Lost the desire to meet new people. Waited at home for him to call. Depression, bad depression. And he went back to his ex wife! He forced me out of his life...and every day I am becoming more and more grateful for that.

I am half way through Codependent No More. GREAT book, a lot of good insight, and really starts to make you look within yourself for the answers. I am also a month into counseling, and it's one of the best things I have done.

You say you want to be the person you once were....IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to be that person. You ARE that person. Start to focus on you, 100% on you.
And I would ask you, what is something in your life that YOU really want to do? For me, I am finally back in school going for my degree. That is my positive focus. And I will do something great with that. What about you? What do you want?
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:04 PM
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The greatest consequence I've suffered from living with addiction is loss of trust in my own thinking.

The good news is that as I've spent my time examining self-fulfilling, spiritual matters, filling each minute with 60 seconds of distance run, I recognize myself again. And by, "... distance run...", I don't mean a geographical cure, but rather, I've closed the distance between self-confidence and doubt.

Addiction robs us not only of the person we once recognized as a partner, but it can steal our own identity without our even realizing it. Our fight for 'right' and 'normal' values need not be a war with someone else. Instead, at least for me, my battle begins internally.

Many Blessings,
Shaman
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:22 PM
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Thank you for your post!!! It reminded me that I'm not alone! I know what you're going through... and I'm so sorry, because I know how much it hurts to look in the mirror and not recognizing yourself anymore. I've had a bad couple of days with AH and realized today (again) how alcohol is not only controlling his life, but also mine. It is sad, but while I can't make AH stop drinking, I can make sure that alcohol won't take everything away from ME. Even though it might be tough, you can fight this. Try to find people that can help you and support you! Is there a hobby or activity that you used to do that would give you some of your self-esteem/ joy back?

I should take some of my own advice . I'm still struggling and keep slipping (but I always tell myself to get back up and remind myself of my strenghts). I wish you all the best. Be good to yourself!
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:11 AM
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(((C2P)))

I too changed over the years to someone I don't recognise - I was with STBXAH for 18 years. I am also on anti depressants, put on a huge amount of weight, lost all my friends etc etc. If your doctor wants to give you more/different anti depressants, then let them! It can take a while to find the right meds that work for you.

I found that once I was given the right type of antidepressant, they helped lift me from the pit of despair and allowed me to get some energy and motivation back into my life so I could work on me. Some days, just getting out of bed in the morning was an achievement! Medication is only part of the solution though. I got one on one counselling which has helped me enormously. I'm still on anti depressants but I've got my own place now, I'm slowly making friends and reconnecting with old friends - I've even enrolled in a weekly night class! I discovered that only I can change me and only I can find happiness for me. I can't look to other people for this, its something I had to do on my own. I find joy in being on my own as well as joy in my friends.

It took me many years to recognise that I needed to do something about me. It hasn't taken you nearly so long! You can do this. Once you manage to get out from under the heavy blanket of depression, you can get the motivation to go back to the gym, to do things just for you and to rediscover your self respect, self esteem and self trust. I still struggle with these today but I'm so much better than I was a year ago and miles better than 2 years ago! You can do this. You won't be depressed forever. You can learn from your experience and go on to become a wiser but much happier person. If I can do it anyone can!
:ghug3
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:59 AM
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Hey there, sorry to hear what you are going through. I can relate as well.. i was always so happy, fun, sociable.. I always had something unique and fun going on with my friends and family.. I made lots of plans, traveled a lot, laughed a lot, etc. Over time with my AH I stopped doing most of those things.. many of them because he didn't enjoy them, or would mock an idea I had, or just generally not get excited about anything with me. I felt like it wouldn't be fun anymore, and stopped trying to make these plans. Over time the only plans I could count on with my H was sitting on the couch drinking and watching TV at home... or possibly drinking, but just the two of us, in a bar.. what's the difference? Might as well stay home and save $$$.

He criticized some of my friends and family, so I stopped really trying to hang out with them as much, etc. I started resenting him for making me a lonely homebody who did nothing but work, drink with him, and stress out over money and what he was doing.

BAD idea. In the back of my mind I always knew I could be happier. But it was so hard to get there because my idea of happiness was so linked to what HE was doing, which doesn't really work out well.

When I finally started to step out of the dark, I went to 4 al-anon meetings and 1 CODA meeting in one week. I didn't have a lot of friends that I'd seen often at that point--I'd cut back on hanging out with 'the girls' to one night every couple months, if that, and rarely made any phone calls, etc.

So I went to meetings for a week.. it was for me, it got me out of the house, it gave me strength to take the next few steps. Plus, in my financial situation, it was cheap. Then slowly I started to make calls and open up a bit to each of my friends I had been close with, and they all welcomed me back in with open arms. Of course, this was with me disclosing what I was going through. And NOW I'm pretty sure none of them would ever want to see my H again, and I can't blame them. It's scary and it hurts when I think of "what i've done to him" by telling my story to my friends, and turning them all against him, but really--it wouldn't be the case if he wasn't doing all of these things. I guess it was me admitting to myself that I needed to get away from my H.

I haven't left him yet, but I'm pretty sure there is no way back for us. I am not 100% on that yet, but getting closer.

Then I went shopping and found some REALLY great cheap deals. I hadn't dressed cute or trendy or nice in so long. I always had felt dumpy lately, when I used to look so cute. I got my hair cut, I colored my hair at home. I got my cute new clothes and I went out with my girl friends.

I made plans with my god mother, my mom and my sister.

Each thing I've done for me has helped a little in getting me back to who I was before. I've been going for hikes on my own, too, with my dog. Getting out in nature helps as well. I could certainly go for more gym time, especially to get some adrenaline out, but I'll get there.

Good luck to you, hope you can start to get yourself back. I know how much it hurts to lose her
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:30 AM
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Honoryourself, I also have had guilt and repercussions over telling my friends and family what was going on. I lost a lot of friends who felt that if I was going to stay, how could they help? They did become frustrated. Some of them feel abandoned, and imagine how weird it must be for them to know how he has treated me, and then I take him back and expect them to be supportive of my plans with him.

These are all common stories with alcoholics. I have isolated myself to a scary point. I was a musician, in a famous band. I was a woman who had several circles of friends. I am also now 40 years old. I spent the better part of the last 5 years plugging his holes, and mothering his child alone. It is hard enough to maintain outside friendships when you become a parent.

I am now beginning to reach out to my older friends. I am no longer concerned with how my A feels about that. He can talk smack about whoever he wants. It just looks so pathetic. He is just threatened. He is so scared. He has tons of bar "friends", but he does not have people who would drop everything for him, go to the hospital with him,All of his friendships occur in the bar. There is no other common thread for him.

I used to think he could become part of my life, and love my friends too. They are beautiful loving people... He is just too foul. Too miserable.
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Old 11-18-2009, 07:35 AM
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Well, the good thing is that that person is still in there. Your "old" self hasn't been replaced with this "new" persona. Your old fun, outgoing you is still in there, just covered up at the moment.

I understand how you're feeling all too well. I've been with my abf for 10 years. You have the option to not stick around so long and get back to living the life you want to live. Good luck, I know how hard it is.
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Old 11-18-2009, 08:25 AM
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I could have written your post myself Cucumber. It does get better if you detach and start focusing on yourself. Definately grab a copy of "Codependant No More" as suggested in replies above this one. Great book!

Detaching is SO hard to do but definately worth it.
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Old 11-18-2009, 11:02 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words. I am trying to find things to do on my own - my mom has noticed this and tries to take me out once a week. I think my friends are honestly gone for good. Im sure they are sick of me - they all know about why he is this way. I will definitely look into the books you referenced and I agree that I need to get to an al anon meeting too - I just need to stop making up excuses.
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