Wuzzled,
I hear alot of understandable resentment in your post.
Before my exah decided to give heroin a try, we stuck our neck out and bought our dream home together. It was a really beautiful home on the lake...and it took both of our incomes to support it.
And then my exah fell into the dark abyss known as addiction and I was left holding the bag on the mortgage, utilities, credit card bills...EVERYTHING.
For a couple of years I tried to make ends meet...fending off creditors and shut off notices while praying that my exah would get clean and stay that way.
Sadly, it didn't happen.
and we lost our home...had to declare bankruptcy and literally start over from scratch.
The emotional pain was horrible. The financial pain, fear, and struggle only made matters worse. I felt like I lost all control over my life. I didn't feel like I had enough control over our finances...I was left vulnerable and wondering if I would be able to provide for our son financially.
I eventually left and divorced him. For some reason, the emotional pain wasn't enough to get me to this breaking point. IT was the all-consuming fear of the legal and financial fall out of his addiction (and my overriding sense that someone had to make sure that our son was provided for) that propelled me into action.
My exah has been clean for almost 3 years now. We're living together. He often asks me what it will take for me to feel comfortable and safe enough to remarry him. And honesly, I don't know if I'll ever reach that point. I own a home (in my name only) that I can afford on my own. I completely restructured my life so that I wouldn't have to rely on my ex for anything financially and this arrangement has been critical to my recovery and my peace of mind.
In my case, I can't see surrendering my financial freedom to anyone ever again. If I continue on with my exah or move on to a different relationship, for me, its key that I stand alone financially. I'll never have another joint account. I"ll never enter into debt that I would have to rely on someone else to help me with. I don't care who it is...my exah or someone else. Financial independence is critical to my well being after the hell I went thru.
I think reclaiming our financial independence is a very legitimate and many times necessary part of our recovery. If/once we can achieve it, we can make the emotional decisions for the right reasons...not out of fear...or anger...or anything other than whats right for US.
It sounds like the extra $400 a year is just a symptom of a much larger problem...lingering resentment and fear of losing control. I dont' know if its possible to get past this particular kind of damage in a marriage/relationship even after the addict gets clean. In my case, I think its more about protecting myself and making sure that I NEVER end up in that horrible situation again.
Not sure if I helped any...I know its tough...
In the end, its all about what you need to maintain peace in your life.
Hugs...