his addiction continues to haunt even clean

Old 11-16-2009, 12:35 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wuzzled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
his addiction continues to haunt even clean

urgh - I typed this once and cyperspace ate it! Maybe that is a omen that I shouldn't redo it. The first one was long, so I'll try to shorten.

long story, short - I have been able to deduct 100% of my health insurance premium because I am self-employed and until now, have not had health insurance offered through my husband's employer. Now his employer is offering him health insurance so I will no longer be able to deduct my premium. This is a huge deduction for me about $2400.

He has lost 2 "great" jobs over the last 10 years due to his drug addiction, one of which offered great insurance at a cheap price. Now he is working a low paying job, which until now, I thought offered no benefits. He has had this job for almost a year.

We don't need health insurance on him because he is a disabled vet and the VA Hospital provides him with medical care for life at no cost to us. The insurance they are offering would cover both, for approximately $10 more a month than I'm currently paying and the coverage is no where near as good as what I have now. So definitely no cost savings there!

I am feeling like I am still "paying" for his addiction. He works for $8.20 an hour, and because they are "offering" health insurance, I am going to lose $2400 in deductions on my schedule "C"! This sucks. Because they are offering, I will lose money! Our finances already suck, thanks to his addiction!

I keep thinking we should "divorce" so I can keep my deduction, and I'd probably be able to claim head-of-household too.

Any tax experts out there? Sorry for the rant, I am just pretty angry about this, and stressed out already.

I am really feeling stuck. I have though about divorce anyway, but worry about being able to keep my house, and since I work from my home (childcare), I need to have my house in order to have a job. This is all I've done for over 17 years, this is all I know.

Sometimes I think this might be an opening for me to get a divorce so the tax thing would work out, and get my house, then later, if I really want him out, it would be easy and the divorce would already be done and property settled. This seems kinda deceitful though, not for tax purposes, but for divorcing him purposes. I am feeling pretty screwed.

Anyway, again, sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do, and I'm tired of trying to figure things out.

I guess I should just be grateful I have health insurance, but now the cost of maintaining it just went substantially up, don't know if I can afford to keep it without the deduction!!!
wuzzled is offline  
Old 11-16-2009, 01:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Wuzzled))

Honey - this is the bottom line question - do you want advice from a financial standpoint or do you want advice from an emotional best way to save my marriage standpoint?

Don't know if you are familiar with my story - but I'm one of those that left my AH after 16 plus yrs and it finanically devasted me.

I am also a tax professional for a national recognized Tax Prep Firm - so I have some experience on the tax situation too.

Financially 90% of the time - we are usually better off if we are NOT intertwined with the active A's - PLEASE NOTE that is a generalized statement and NOT specific tax or financial advice as EACH situation is different!!!!!

Emotional/Relationshipwise - how can you work on rebuilding if you are already leaving in your mind?

This is a tough place to be in - I can relate -
Until you make the decision - You might have to decide what am I going to do today?
If I'm leaving I'm leaving - If I'm staying, today I'm going act, feel, believe and do as I'm staying.

It doesn't mean that we can't have some sort of safety net and/or Plan B to protect ourselves - but I had to make a decision to live one way just for today - until I felt I had a clear cut answer to change that decision.

Without doing that I felt like I was flip flopping my life into insanity.


This is just something that I had to do to get some peace of mind for myself - Maybe you could talk with someone about your financial concerns - get some other input to help you make your decision.

Maybe journaling out your feelings could help you - are you really wanting to leave and just looking for what seems to be a justifyable reason?

Honey whatever you decide just remember - It gets to be your decision. What ever you and your HP feels is best for YOU!

Seek the courage, strength and wisdom you have within you to find your way.

Wishing you your HP's very Best,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 11-16-2009, 01:43 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Is there a reason why he cannot decline the insurance, given he's got VA and you have your own?
outtolunch is offline  
Old 11-16-2009, 04:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
What about a legal seperation? Just like a divorce, but not final. They divide things as in a divorce, but in my state a legal sep can be flipped into a divorce if you want it.
Callie is offline  
Old 11-16-2009, 04:50 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I was going to ask the same as OTL, can't he decline the insurance. I declined at my job because we just can't afford it. (side note we have NO insurance, but still the prem was ust way to high for us)
Serenity Bound is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 06:31 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wuzzled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
Japic05

Thank you for the hug, needed that!

I want first to clarify that my husband is not in "active" addiction, he has been clean for 15 months. While this is great and I am proud of him, this has by no means solved all our problems.

I think my emotions and finances and intertwined with each other though. I am angry at him for the financial situation we are in. He is the one that lost 2 great jobs (and the income that went with them), and spent 1000's of dollars on his Drug! I am the one that works the budget, writes the checks to pay bills and deals with the finances. I hate doing it and wish I could not have to deal with it at all. I always feel like he doesn't have to worry about it or deal with it because he doesn't have to look at it or take care of it.

How can I work on rebuilding if I already have leaving in mind? Well, I am just not to a point yet that I am sure this marriage is going to be saved. I would like for it to be and that is my hope, but reality may not be the same thing. I have thought about divorce not because I really [I]want[I] one, but because that just may be the reality of my marriage, I just don't know right now.

The health insurance tax thing, is what has me thinking divorce (on paper only) for financial reasons at this point. I would still stay with my husband, and just live together. Losing the tax deduction for my health insurance premium will be costly for me, and may prevent me from being able to continue to afford my health insurance.

I though of it as an opening for a "friendly" divorce and would be able to get the house and property i want, and then IF things don't work out ultimately, the divorce would already be done and property settled. I don't know?

OTL & SB - Yes, we can decline the insurance, and I am going to decline. My existing coverage is much better than what they are offering and as I said, don't need coverage for him. Even if I decline their insurance, they are still "offering" it, so because of this it makes the premium I pay for my private insurance no longer tax deductible, therefore "costing" me more in the long run for my health insurance.

Just talked to a friend that works at a CPA firm, and she said that losing the deduction for my insurance premium would result in about $400 in taxes due on that income. So I guess bottom line I can look at it as my health insurance just went up $400 a year.
wuzzled is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 09:56 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wuzzled,

I hear alot of understandable resentment in your post.

Before my exah decided to give heroin a try, we stuck our neck out and bought our dream home together. It was a really beautiful home on the lake...and it took both of our incomes to support it.

And then my exah fell into the dark abyss known as addiction and I was left holding the bag on the mortgage, utilities, credit card bills...EVERYTHING.

For a couple of years I tried to make ends meet...fending off creditors and shut off notices while praying that my exah would get clean and stay that way.

Sadly, it didn't happen.

and we lost our home...had to declare bankruptcy and literally start over from scratch.

The emotional pain was horrible. The financial pain, fear, and struggle only made matters worse. I felt like I lost all control over my life. I didn't feel like I had enough control over our finances...I was left vulnerable and wondering if I would be able to provide for our son financially.

I eventually left and divorced him. For some reason, the emotional pain wasn't enough to get me to this breaking point. IT was the all-consuming fear of the legal and financial fall out of his addiction (and my overriding sense that someone had to make sure that our son was provided for) that propelled me into action.

My exah has been clean for almost 3 years now. We're living together. He often asks me what it will take for me to feel comfortable and safe enough to remarry him. And honesly, I don't know if I'll ever reach that point. I own a home (in my name only) that I can afford on my own. I completely restructured my life so that I wouldn't have to rely on my ex for anything financially and this arrangement has been critical to my recovery and my peace of mind.

In my case, I can't see surrendering my financial freedom to anyone ever again. If I continue on with my exah or move on to a different relationship, for me, its key that I stand alone financially. I'll never have another joint account. I"ll never enter into debt that I would have to rely on someone else to help me with. I don't care who it is...my exah or someone else. Financial independence is critical to my well being after the hell I went thru.

I think reclaiming our financial independence is a very legitimate and many times necessary part of our recovery. If/once we can achieve it, we can make the emotional decisions for the right reasons...not out of fear...or anger...or anything other than whats right for US.

It sounds like the extra $400 a year is just a symptom of a much larger problem...lingering resentment and fear of losing control. I dont' know if its possible to get past this particular kind of damage in a marriage/relationship even after the addict gets clean. In my case, I think its more about protecting myself and making sure that I NEVER end up in that horrible situation again.

Not sure if I helped any...I know its tough...
In the end, its all about what you need to maintain peace in your life.
Hugs...
outonalimb is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 11:35 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wuzzled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
outonalimb

I definitely suffer from "the all-consuming fear of the legal and financial fall out of his addiction". I have been left "holding" the bag of the finances. I fear bankruptcy and want to avoid it if possible. I've worked hard many years to obtain the credit standing I have. I have managed to keep up with things so far, but have constant fear of financial fall out.


I own a home (in my name only) that I can afford on my own. I completely restructured my life so that I wouldn't have to rely on my ex for anything financially and this arrangement has been critical to my recovery and my peace of mind.
This is where I need to get to. Once upon a time, I only relied on myself (after 2nd divorce) and told myself then, that I'd never depend on anyone but myself, and obviously I slipped! Damn!

I think reclaiming our financial independence is a very legitimate and many times necessary part of our recovery. If/once we can achieve it, we can make the emotional decisions for the right reasons...not out of fear...or anger...or anything other than whats right for US.
This is very true, and I believe this is what I need to work towards.

It sounds like the extra $400 a year is just a symptom of a much larger problem...lingering resentment and fear of losing control.
I know i have a lot of lingering resentment and I've been trying to work through it, but it is so hard to forget and I guess I'm not ready to forgive. As for losing control, well, this is scary as hell right now.

Your response was helpful for me. I am experiencing so many emotions and feelings lately, it helps to have other peoples ES&H.
wuzzled is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 02:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
hang in there wuzzled! This stuff aint for sissies!!!!!!:ghug3
outonalimb is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 06:32 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlebird77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I am going though the same thing right now. I do not trust my recovering ABF to get more then this studio apartment I live in. I could never imagine myself being in a situation where I needed his help with the bills. So I live how I can afford. It makes me question if this is a lifestyle I really want. He tells me that he will help, but he never does and I never trust him to.

Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post

He often asks me what it will take for me to feel comfortable and safe enough to remarry him. And honesly, I don't know if I'll ever reach that point. I own a home (in my name only) that I can afford on my own. I completely restructured my life so that I wouldn't have to rely on my ex for anything financially and this arrangement has been critical to my recovery and my peace of mind.

In my case, I can't see surrendering my financial freedom to anyone ever again. If I continue on with my exah or move on to a different relationship, for me, its key that I stand alone financially. I'll never have another joint account. I"ll never enter into debt that I would have to rely on someone else to help me with. I don't care who it is...my exah or someone else. Financial independence is critical to my well being after the hell I went thru.

I think reclaiming our financial independence is a very legitimate and many times necessary part of our recovery. If/once we can achieve it, we can make the emotional decisions for the right reasons...not out of fear...or anger...or anything other than whats right for US.
littlebird77 is offline  
Old 11-17-2009, 06:33 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
littlebird77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I am curious just because I don't know, are you entitled to his VA benefits because you are married?
littlebird77 is offline  
Old 11-18-2009, 05:11 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wuzzled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
outonalimb -


I do keep hanging in there, I have to in order to survive. I do feel pretty wimpy at times, but feeling pretty good this morning on the heals of a good Al-anon meeting last nite!

littlebird, no, I am not entitled to any of his VA benefits.
wuzzled is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:29 AM.