Attempts to control my drinking
So I found my old calendar/planner today. It actually covers a 2 year period... I am a runner and I used it to write down what workouts I did on each day... how many miles, how fast, how I felt, etc.
There were also some codes I used for other things I kept track of... an "b" meant I drank less than 7 beers that night (not too drunk), and an "bb" meant I drank more than 7 (a bad night and a bad hangover the next day). If it was more than 7, it was probably at least 12... once I got to that point there was no stopping me. "bbb" was the worst; it was not just being really drunk but also having some incident whereby I either majorly embarrassed myself or did something else that I felt really guilty about.
The reason I kept track of this was because when I started this calendar and started running again, it was to change many bad habits in my diet and my lifestyle. It was about 2 1/2 years ago and I had just had my son and quit my job to be a stay-at-home mother. One thing I was determined to change was how much I drank.
I was sick of the constant guilt and self loathing because of my drinking. At the time I started this calendar, I was convinced that I could just "manage" my drinking better. I thought as long as I only drank on Saturdays, I would be ok... normal. Running and taking care of my health was such an improvement over drinking almost every night... I could earn that weekend treat.
As I look at this calendar, I am reminded what I was thinking during this time. How much energy I devoted to keep myself busy so I wouldn't drink every night. How much time I spent thinking about how I couldn't wait until Saturday... I seriously thought of the days I didn't drink as just something I had to get through, like a hard workout. No pain, no gain... you know.
Looking at the calendar now, it looks like a person who was on a slippery, slippery slope. Remembering my thoughts back then, it's clear how alcoholically irrational they were. At the time though, none of this was obvious.
I stuck to my plan pretty well for about 6 months until I ran my first half-marathon. I was so proud of that achievement... so confident that I'd figured out how to handle my drinking that I started rewarding myself with beer on some weekdays too. A couple weeks of that were followed by a calendar day marked "bbb" - a family friend's wedding (really, really embarrassing night)... and I was back to the Saturdays only thing for a couple more weeks.
And so that pattern went on for the another 7-8 months. Weeks where I only drank on Saturdays, followed by a great running achievement, followed by increase in number of drinking days, followed by a "bbb" day, and start over with the Saturdays only...
Eventually however, I started just accepting Thursdays and Saturdays only as the new plan. That, too was difficult to maintain as it gradually started looking like most weeks on the calendar had three days of drinking.
I remember changing my criteria... as long as there is only one "bb" or "bbb" per week, it's ok. It's almost like those "b" days didn't count. If I run more miles this week to make up for the extra beers, it'll be ok. Since if I drank in front of other people, I was going to drink too much and be inappropriate in some way, I tried to implement the rule to only drink alone... but then I just drunk called or emailed people. I was loosing control and I knew it. The constant feelings of guilt and shame that I experienced when I was drinking almost every day were creeping back into my life.
Until one night I got drunk and told my husband I was ready for another baby. LOL So here I am 5 months pregnant, sober, clear-headed... maybe the most clear-headed I've ever been because now, for the first time, I acknowledge I am an alcoholic and that I am completely unable to control my drinking. I am committed to never drink again.
I'm glad I found this calendar. I intend to save it forever because I know one day that alcoholic voice in my head is going to romanticize that period of my life. It will try to convince me that I was controlling my drinking and achieving my goals at the same time.
Now that I have this calendar though, I wouldn't be able to get away with that delusion. The calendar paints a pathetic picture. It's clear I was an alcoholic desperately trying to find a way to keep drinking.
Anyone out there trying to determine if they are an alcoholic, I suggest getting a calendar and some kind of drinking code to keep track of how much and when you are drinking. It might be enlightening for you too.