Attempts to control my drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Attempts to control my drinking
So I found my old calendar/planner today. It actually covers a 2 year period... I am a runner and I used it to write down what workouts I did on each day... how many miles, how fast, how I felt, etc.
There were also some codes I used for other things I kept track of... an "b" meant I drank less than 7 beers that night (not too drunk), and an "bb" meant I drank more than 7 (a bad night and a bad hangover the next day). If it was more than 7, it was probably at least 12... once I got to that point there was no stopping me. "bbb" was the worst; it was not just being really drunk but also having some incident whereby I either majorly embarrassed myself or did something else that I felt really guilty about.
The reason I kept track of this was because when I started this calendar and started running again, it was to change many bad habits in my diet and my lifestyle. It was about 2 1/2 years ago and I had just had my son and quit my job to be a stay-at-home mother. One thing I was determined to change was how much I drank.
I was sick of the constant guilt and self loathing because of my drinking. At the time I started this calendar, I was convinced that I could just "manage" my drinking better. I thought as long as I only drank on Saturdays, I would be ok... normal. Running and taking care of my health was such an improvement over drinking almost every night... I could earn that weekend treat.
As I look at this calendar, I am reminded what I was thinking during this time. How much energy I devoted to keep myself busy so I wouldn't drink every night. How much time I spent thinking about how I couldn't wait until Saturday... I seriously thought of the days I didn't drink as just something I had to get through, like a hard workout. No pain, no gain... you know.
Looking at the calendar now, it looks like a person who was on a slippery, slippery slope. Remembering my thoughts back then, it's clear how alcoholically irrational they were. At the time though, none of this was obvious.
I stuck to my plan pretty well for about 6 months until I ran my first half-marathon. I was so proud of that achievement... so confident that I'd figured out how to handle my drinking that I started rewarding myself with beer on some weekdays too. A couple weeks of that were followed by a calendar day marked "bbb" - a family friend's wedding (really, really embarrassing night)... and I was back to the Saturdays only thing for a couple more weeks.
And so that pattern went on for the another 7-8 months. Weeks where I only drank on Saturdays, followed by a great running achievement, followed by increase in number of drinking days, followed by a "bbb" day, and start over with the Saturdays only...
Eventually however, I started just accepting Thursdays and Saturdays only as the new plan. That, too was difficult to maintain as it gradually started looking like most weeks on the calendar had three days of drinking.
I remember changing my criteria... as long as there is only one "bb" or "bbb" per week, it's ok. It's almost like those "b" days didn't count. If I run more miles this week to make up for the extra beers, it'll be ok. Since if I drank in front of other people, I was going to drink too much and be inappropriate in some way, I tried to implement the rule to only drink alone... but then I just drunk called or emailed people. I was loosing control and I knew it. The constant feelings of guilt and shame that I experienced when I was drinking almost every day were creeping back into my life.
Until one night I got drunk and told my husband I was ready for another baby. LOL So here I am 5 months pregnant, sober, clear-headed... maybe the most clear-headed I've ever been because now, for the first time, I acknowledge I am an alcoholic and that I am completely unable to control my drinking. I am committed to never drink again.
I'm glad I found this calendar. I intend to save it forever because I know one day that alcoholic voice in my head is going to romanticize that period of my life. It will try to convince me that I was controlling my drinking and achieving my goals at the same time.
Now that I have this calendar though, I wouldn't be able to get away with that delusion. The calendar paints a pathetic picture. It's clear I was an alcoholic desperately trying to find a way to keep drinking.
Anyone out there trying to determine if they are an alcoholic, I suggest getting a calendar and some kind of drinking code to keep track of how much and when you are drinking. It might be enlightening for you too.
There were also some codes I used for other things I kept track of... an "b" meant I drank less than 7 beers that night (not too drunk), and an "bb" meant I drank more than 7 (a bad night and a bad hangover the next day). If it was more than 7, it was probably at least 12... once I got to that point there was no stopping me. "bbb" was the worst; it was not just being really drunk but also having some incident whereby I either majorly embarrassed myself or did something else that I felt really guilty about.
The reason I kept track of this was because when I started this calendar and started running again, it was to change many bad habits in my diet and my lifestyle. It was about 2 1/2 years ago and I had just had my son and quit my job to be a stay-at-home mother. One thing I was determined to change was how much I drank.
I was sick of the constant guilt and self loathing because of my drinking. At the time I started this calendar, I was convinced that I could just "manage" my drinking better. I thought as long as I only drank on Saturdays, I would be ok... normal. Running and taking care of my health was such an improvement over drinking almost every night... I could earn that weekend treat.
As I look at this calendar, I am reminded what I was thinking during this time. How much energy I devoted to keep myself busy so I wouldn't drink every night. How much time I spent thinking about how I couldn't wait until Saturday... I seriously thought of the days I didn't drink as just something I had to get through, like a hard workout. No pain, no gain... you know.
Looking at the calendar now, it looks like a person who was on a slippery, slippery slope. Remembering my thoughts back then, it's clear how alcoholically irrational they were. At the time though, none of this was obvious.
I stuck to my plan pretty well for about 6 months until I ran my first half-marathon. I was so proud of that achievement... so confident that I'd figured out how to handle my drinking that I started rewarding myself with beer on some weekdays too. A couple weeks of that were followed by a calendar day marked "bbb" - a family friend's wedding (really, really embarrassing night)... and I was back to the Saturdays only thing for a couple more weeks.
And so that pattern went on for the another 7-8 months. Weeks where I only drank on Saturdays, followed by a great running achievement, followed by increase in number of drinking days, followed by a "bbb" day, and start over with the Saturdays only...
Eventually however, I started just accepting Thursdays and Saturdays only as the new plan. That, too was difficult to maintain as it gradually started looking like most weeks on the calendar had three days of drinking.
I remember changing my criteria... as long as there is only one "bb" or "bbb" per week, it's ok. It's almost like those "b" days didn't count. If I run more miles this week to make up for the extra beers, it'll be ok. Since if I drank in front of other people, I was going to drink too much and be inappropriate in some way, I tried to implement the rule to only drink alone... but then I just drunk called or emailed people. I was loosing control and I knew it. The constant feelings of guilt and shame that I experienced when I was drinking almost every day were creeping back into my life.
Until one night I got drunk and told my husband I was ready for another baby. LOL So here I am 5 months pregnant, sober, clear-headed... maybe the most clear-headed I've ever been because now, for the first time, I acknowledge I am an alcoholic and that I am completely unable to control my drinking. I am committed to never drink again.
I'm glad I found this calendar. I intend to save it forever because I know one day that alcoholic voice in my head is going to romanticize that period of my life. It will try to convince me that I was controlling my drinking and achieving my goals at the same time.
Now that I have this calendar though, I wouldn't be able to get away with that delusion. The calendar paints a pathetic picture. It's clear I was an alcoholic desperately trying to find a way to keep drinking.
Anyone out there trying to determine if they are an alcoholic, I suggest getting a calendar and some kind of drinking code to keep track of how much and when you are drinking. It might be enlightening for you too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traveling in Europe
Posts: 415
Wow I am kind of glad I don't have a calender like that to look back on... it would just be too depressing... Glad you have come out of denial... congratulations on your upcoming baby... may it be blessed with a sober mother, and may you be blessed with a new sober life...
Clayton
Clayton
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Yup. Calendars can be pretty enlightening. Perhaps the most illuminating thing about this is that normal people don't keep track of how much they drink. Normal people never think "I just have to learn to control my drinking". This mindset is pretty much reserved for us alcoholics. That is, it's eventually recognized as alcoholic thinking by those of us lucky enough to reognize that we're alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 50
I actually did something similar and even took it a step further. I had a fitday account. If you don't know what that is, it's a fitness website you can track your food intake and exercise. It will break it down and give you progress charts and stuff... well the last year of my fitday diary before I quit drinking was pretty much me tracking my alcohol intake. I attempted to count how many drinks I had each day... I looked back at it after I sobered up and most days alcohol was 70 to 80% of my total calorie intake! 
It's sad and disturbing how I didn't see that as that big of a problem at the time. It was a pretty major wake up call and has helped me stay sober.
It's sad and disturbing how I didn't see that as that big of a problem at the time. It was a pretty major wake up call and has helped me stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 158
I had a wall calendar from back in the late-90's, where I was doing something similar, trying to string together even a few days of not drinking. I wanted to get seven days. The calendar had months and months of days crossed out ("failures"). I finally got a week, and I was so pleased with myself. The good feeling and no drinking ended the next day. That would be the last multiple-day no-drinking stretch for me for a decade.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 27
When I first started to feel my drinking was excessive, I started a spreadsheet to track my usage and money spent.
All fine & dandy, except I started the frigging spreadsheets back in 1996.
And yes, they are 'enlightening' about one's usage..
All fine & dandy, except I started the frigging spreadsheets back in 1996.
And yes, they are 'enlightening' about one's usage..
Enjoying Sobriety
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 143
Wow! Great shares!
I have almost 8 months sober and have been having a bad week....really like a week and a half now. Anyway, I picked up this old writing tablet of mine to calculate bills on the other day and Lo, and Behold, I opened it up to July of 2008 and I was attempting to write (I was obviously drunk) and I had written how bad things had gotten. My car was repo'd, I was in foreclosure and bankruptcy, I lost my job, I was hungry with no food, only had one cig. left, etc.....it went on for a couple of pages. Then I wrote that I had been asking God to help me and all I could think of was: Put the bottle down and get your @$$ up! I wrote that three times and then probably passed out. I don't even remember writing it.....Was that a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor? It tells me two things: One-Life was sooooooo much harder then that when I have "rough" sober days I need to remember how terribly bad it got! and Two-I knew in my heart what I needed to do: Put the bottle down and get your @$$ up!
It took about another 8 months to actually get sober, but now I have almost 8 months of sobriety. It just really amazed me to find that and to read my own drunken thoughts and I still wondered why everything was falling apart around me.....amazing!!
I have almost 8 months sober and have been having a bad week....really like a week and a half now. Anyway, I picked up this old writing tablet of mine to calculate bills on the other day and Lo, and Behold, I opened it up to July of 2008 and I was attempting to write (I was obviously drunk) and I had written how bad things had gotten. My car was repo'd, I was in foreclosure and bankruptcy, I lost my job, I was hungry with no food, only had one cig. left, etc.....it went on for a couple of pages. Then I wrote that I had been asking God to help me and all I could think of was: Put the bottle down and get your @$$ up! I wrote that three times and then probably passed out. I don't even remember writing it.....Was that a moment of clarity in my drunken stupor? It tells me two things: One-Life was sooooooo much harder then that when I have "rough" sober days I need to remember how terribly bad it got! and Two-I knew in my heart what I needed to do: Put the bottle down and get your @$$ up!
It took about another 8 months to actually get sober, but now I have almost 8 months of sobriety. It just really amazed me to find that and to read my own drunken thoughts and I still wondered why everything was falling apart around me.....amazing!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,581
This was a great thread to read. I had a bender of a summer..."bbs" 5 days out of the week, I'd say. (Never kept track.) That led me to this site in September..but this thread reminded me of the times I tried to control it, albeit half-heartedly, before this summer. I'm seeing now that the problem didn't start this summer..it's always been there.
This drinking problem isn't new...it's my acceptance of the problem that's new. I think I woke up a little bit today.
This drinking problem isn't new...it's my acceptance of the problem that's new. I think I woke up a little bit today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
Hey LBW -- did you ever go running to help yourself get drunk faster?
I used to do that. I would starve myself of food and water, then run a 5K on a 100-degree summer day. In the resulting state of dehydration, a glass of wine hit me a shot of vodka!
But eventually I stopped trying to control my drinking. I gave up the running and the wine, and went straight for the vodka instead.
Thanks for sharing your calendar. Isn't it shocking how we used to think and rationalize? I'm so glad it's over ...
I used to do that. I would starve myself of food and water, then run a 5K on a 100-degree summer day. In the resulting state of dehydration, a glass of wine hit me a shot of vodka!
But eventually I stopped trying to control my drinking. I gave up the running and the wine, and went straight for the vodka instead.
Thanks for sharing your calendar. Isn't it shocking how we used to think and rationalize? I'm so glad it's over ...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Clutch B,
My dad is very athletic and an alcoholic... he would do that. He would play a few raquetball games, get really dehadrated and then start drinking. I wouldn't do that because I wanted to separate myself from him... I thought he was really sick.
However, I'd run big miles on Saturday mornings with my marathon training group... at least 12 or more. Then later that night I'd drink at least 12 or more beers. I am a small girl. To look at me, most people would be shocked that I could drink that much! I could outdrink my husband who was almost double my weight.
I can't believe what I was doing to my body. It is a big toll on your body to run like that... Even though I was waiting a few hours after I stopped running to drink, I know the alcohol was probably hitting me harder than it otherwise would. At the very least I wasn't allowing my body and muscles to repair after such a hard workout.
It's so obvious to me now how stupid I was... It's funny to me that I couldn't see that at the time.
My dad is very athletic and an alcoholic... he would do that. He would play a few raquetball games, get really dehadrated and then start drinking. I wouldn't do that because I wanted to separate myself from him... I thought he was really sick.
However, I'd run big miles on Saturday mornings with my marathon training group... at least 12 or more. Then later that night I'd drink at least 12 or more beers. I am a small girl. To look at me, most people would be shocked that I could drink that much! I could outdrink my husband who was almost double my weight.
I can't believe what I was doing to my body. It is a big toll on your body to run like that... Even though I was waiting a few hours after I stopped running to drink, I know the alcohol was probably hitting me harder than it otherwise would. At the very least I wasn't allowing my body and muscles to repair after such a hard workout.
It's so obvious to me now how stupid I was... It's funny to me that I couldn't see that at the time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 16
Nice post LBW. I too find running a good distraction to drinking. Although I don't keep a running/drinking log(calendar), I keep a mental note within me if I'm having a good week (logging in the miles and not drinking) or bad week (vice versa). There was a time when I can run and drink daily, but these days, the two do not go together. Running promotes a healthy lifestyle. Drinking does not. After a few days of heavy drinking, I almost always lose my desire to run the following days. Only after I'm able to make a make a pledge to myself to get it together and stop drinking for a day, the desire to return to a healthy lifestyle returns.
Since I tend to be an evening drinker, after work runs provides a good distraction from drinking during the weekdays. The endorphins released from running as well as the need to cook dinner after running pretty much quells my desire to drink that evening. My biggest problem is the weekends when I run during the morning.
Since I tend to be an evening drinker, after work runs provides a good distraction from drinking during the weekdays. The endorphins released from running as well as the need to cook dinner after running pretty much quells my desire to drink that evening. My biggest problem is the weekends when I run during the morning.
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