Stillwaters: Yeah, that's another really weird thing about it for me -- it does have that "this has got to be about really old wounding" feeling to it, but the truth is that I was blessed to have a relatively healthy and functioning family of origin and I'm close to certain no one in my immediate family ever behaved like that. Actually, although my dad had a lot of mental health/emotional immaturity issues from growing up in a very alcoholic extended family, his thing was more the whining, crying, poor-me, poor-me-ism. And, as a general rule, I do tend to react more strongly and more negatively to that kind of cr*p. In fact, when I experience the nasty, delusional, hatefulness from people with whom I am not particularly close, it really dosn't tend to bother me. I just take it as a "get away quick" sign and I don't have any problem doing that....and I don't get disturbed about it at all -- they're out of my face and it's done.
But, for some reason, with people I'm close to, it's just not so easy -- at least not emotionally/internally. I do tend not to have a problem taking care of myself and getting away from them physically/externally. I mean, lilke yesterday, I had no problem replying to her e-mail very calmly and matter of factly...and, of course, I'll stick by what I said in my reply......but internally the disturbed, unsettled thing is just there and just "yuck."
Also, Andrew, as far as the working on myself thing goes, obviously I am doing that...and I have been doing it all along in my relationship with my ex and, as I've posted elsewhere, a lot of good progress/growth has been happening for me...especially over the last 6 months or so. And the truth is that "working on myself" is pretty much what I do in general, regardless of whether things in my life are going well or going poorly -- again a gift -- or a curse, depending on how one looks at it -- of my family of origin. Not woking on one's "stuff" was not an option. But, when it comes to romantic/sexual attraction there seems to be, for me, several unaviodable "problems."
First off, I am close to 100% convinced that Harville Hendricks' idea that we are subconsciously and immediately drawn to people whose core wounding issues compliment and trigger our own is absolutely true. So, I am, always have been, and most likely always will be attracted to masculine energied people who trigger my "daddy" / "no one to take care of me" issues.
Now, clearly the most effective, rational "solution" to that "problem" would be for me to deliberately seek out relationships with people to whom I am not attracted, but whom I know are good, caring people who are committed to working on whatever issues they happen to have. THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Mostly because that idea has no appeal to me whatsoever (and actually feels to me to be pretty much the height of personal dishonesty and lack of authenticity), but also because I have had the dubious pleasure of knowing a couple of people who have made that choice, and, in all honesty, I cannot imagine a smaller, more life-in-death existence.
Also, I tend to go along with Hendrick's theory that it is by seeking out and being in relationship with those people who woundedness compliments and triggers our own that we have the best chance and motivation to heal. The trick, of course, is that, in order for this to work, and for the relationship to last and to be relatively fulfilling and "happy," both parties have to be willing to consistently be working both on their own stuff and on the relationship.
This is the part where I always get caught up. I do real good in finding people who are working on themselves. In fact, if I go back and look at the major relationships in my life, I got into every single one when the other person was in a period of big personal growth and change. Oh, yeah, I love that and it is very attractive to me emotionally and intellectually. So, things start out and it's great. But, what tends to happen is that, for most people, once they reach a point at which whatever pain or discontent started them working on some change to begin with is somewhat alleviated, they get complacent and stop working...and then, as we all know, once they've stopped working for awhile, they start to slip back into whatever old cr*p got them into change mode in the first place. And the worst thing about this is that the relationship itself seems to be a major contributing factor to their complacency!!!!!!
So, what basically happens is it gets to a point where the other person is very obviously slipping backward and I am very obviously moving forward and I'm not willing to stop moving forward in order to stay with her/him. And, it seems that, for me, things tend to drag on longer than they probably should because it's very hard for me to recognize, believe and accept the fact that the other person is just not interested in moving forward and there's nothing I can do about it.
So, I don't really know what to do about that.....like I said, getting into relationship with someone to whom I am not attracted on that romantic/sexual level is not an option for me...and really, I'm totally not the kind of person who's going to be able to make and successfully implement a decision to just not try relationships anymore...So that pretty much seems to leave only the option of trying to get seriously involved only with people who are truly committed to moving forward in their personal growth/healing/spiritual journeys and are not likely to give that up for any reason. But, really, how can I know that? That seems an awful lot like looking for a guarantee or trying to see the future and if I attempt to do those things then I am moving in on HP's job again........
freya
P.S........about the "hell hath no fury"......Not offended at all. Seems my love of accuracy in using language and quoting sources definitely trumps my politics in this regard!!!!!!