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You have become deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Our own thinking becomes distorted. We, too, can become ill.

It sounds to me like you are asking many, many questions that lead to recovery. Just keep reaching out to the board, to others in recovery. There are solutions but each person's path is slightly different. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

I know how frustrated I felt that I saw myself doing things I considered insane -- yet I would do them. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and work to change my thinking, my attitudes, my choices.

It's hard but it's worth it!

Hang in there.