Is having no trust my issue or his or both?

Old 11-08-2009, 02:07 AM
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Is having no trust my issue or his or both?

I'm just thinking about things really.
Things about actions and reactions
Trying to get things clearer for myself so I can move on better.
If I can't trust my AH is that my issue?
Is that something I have to sort out?
Or does he have to show me that I can trust him again?
Is it his issues that I can't trust him?

Does it even matter?
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Old 11-08-2009, 03:03 AM
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Does it even matter ... I'm there.

To me it seems that I entered a life with my AH not knowing
how it can be when someone you love betrays your trust.

To me trust is a huge part of the foundation in a relationship.

I feel the choices he makes that include lying, cheating,
emotionally/verbally abusing make my reaction one of which includes
all the physical and emotional symptoms of one who has had trust
taken out from their foundation. I really feel that in my case, my AH has
caused me to experience what it is when trust is taken away and it
makes me feel so angry and hurt however, I guess my part in all of this
is allowing it, feeling I deserved it, and all the justifications I give to minimize it.

My therapist tells me I need to start trusting myself again so I guess
that is where I begin.
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Old 11-08-2009, 04:35 AM
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When I was with me AXBF, I started therapy because I had "trust issues" and was suspicious about him and other women. My therapist helped me with "my trust issues". Later, I realized my "trust issues" were my gut and I had reason to be suspicious.
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Old 11-08-2009, 05:47 AM
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Trust issues are yours. I trusted my STBXAH so completely and for far longer than I ought to have. I ignored warning flags. I chose to continue to trust him in my deep denial. I'm learning that I have a choice in how much trust I give anyone - it isn't all or nothing. I have to judge by someone's behaviour if they're trustworthy enough for me to trust them - does that make sense? When and where I trust is all about me - it's my power! If you find you cannot trust someone because you have recognised something untrustworthy in them, then it is all yours - your judgement, your power and your responsibility. I don't think you can be 'made' to trust someone.

Are you asking this because you want to say to your AH that you don't trust him so he has to do something about it and change? Is he demanding that you trust him? Can you give a bit more detail?
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Old 11-08-2009, 05:52 AM
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I do not have the answer for these questions, and have the same questions.

My therapist had me tell her the things I know the other day, since there are so many things I don't know.

Number 1 on the list was: I know I don't trust him, and haven't for a long time.
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:10 AM
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Trust is earned.

If your SO has betrayed your trust in any way, then the burden becomes theirs to earn your trust again. If they want to stay and earn your trust again, they have to be willing to put up with a certain amount of ****.

But the burden is also yours to decide one of two things:
1) Is the difficult road that lies ahead (rebuilding trust) acceptable to you? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Is this the first time or the 100th time your trust has been betrayed? If you accept the task of rebuilding and decide to stay you are also accepting the fact that it will be very uncomfortable at times.
2) if you stay then it means you are willing to TRY to learn to trust them again. There are times you will want to pin them to the wall with questions and accusations but you'll have to stuff those feelings instead. After all, you have decided to stay in the relationship and give it a fair chance. This means 1/2 of the responsibility is yours to be and act in a reasonable manner.

That being said, however, you can always change your mind if you've concluded that it's just not possible for you. It is then time to detach and move on.

None of it is easy. That's why it is said that trust is the most important issue in a relationship...because once that is gone it is almost impossible to get it back.
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:24 AM
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I am with TJP...

When exah and I went to counseling I was 35 weeks pregnant, just found out he had slept with OW and sent me into early labor. He was convincing me all thru my pregnancy they were just friends but my gut said different and I got proof!

Anyway, the counselor spoke to exah and he seemed remorseful, sad, and willing to do what it took. The counselor told him he had to cut off ALL contact with OW and quit drinking and work on our relationship. Exah agreed.
Then counselor looked at me and told me I had 2 choices...tell exah its over due to the infidelity and drinking OR I could work on the relationship as well. But if I chose the relationship I had to bite my tongue from that moment forward and NEVER throw the indescretions in his face. That was tough to do but I did it.
Obviously exah was just blowing smoke because our baby was due. Didn't take him long to go back to his old ways.

Trust is very tricky. When its broken its very difficult to get back. This crisis with exah has taught me to never abuse someone elses trust in ME ever whether its a friend, my children, my family, or another intimate relationship.
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:36 AM
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I have thought alot about the blowing smoke thing lately for many reasons. Some go back to their old ways right away, some take their time but eventually end up there.

RAH did just that yesterday. We were having a conversation about his recovery, and as soon as the questions get tough, he retreated. Didn't want to talk anymore. Developed a headache and wanted me to drop him off at his house. I didn't hear from him again for the rest of the day.

Old ways are old ways. Habits are so hard to break. Alcoholism is just one habit, with many more companions - lying, not communicating, cheating, manipulating. Just because one habit changes does not mean they all change. The core person is still the same.

And it is the core person that you trust. And all the habits and companion habits play into that trust.

What are you willing to accept?
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:43 AM
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Hi,

My therapist told me that I needed to trust my gut too. If I was uneasy about someone, then there might be a reason for that.

After dealing with my former A, I didn't trust ANYONE including myself. That was a year ago and I have worked really hard to regain trust in myself. Part of that means that I take things slower and listen to my mind and heart (not just follow emotions, but look at things logically).

A big thing I have learned is that I cannot have a relationship with anyone without trust. If I can't trust someone, then I keep my distance.
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:55 AM
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Lavash, if we are with the same guy, you can have him! haha.
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Old 11-08-2009, 07:48 AM
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Books helped me get out. One I remember distinctly was "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant. Very empowering.
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Old 11-08-2009, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Hi,

My therapist told me that I needed to trust my gut too
. If I was uneasy about someone, then there might be a reason for that.

After dealing with my former A, I didn't trust ANYONE including myself. That was a year ago and I have worked really hard to regain trust in myself. Part of that means that I take things slower and listen to my mind and heart (not just follow emotions, but look at things logically).

A big thing I have learned is that I cannot have a relationship with anyone without trust. If I can't trust someone, then I keep my distance.
This is verbatim my EXACT experience, literally word for word
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Old 11-08-2009, 09:44 AM
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Good topic, made me think. I view trust is an internalized feeling/emotion that can be impacted by external actions or internal perceptions. The biggest reason I remain single by choice is I don't know if I'm ready to trust again. Either myself OR another. It takes years to earn trust and minutes to betray it.
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Old 11-08-2009, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Lavash View Post

God, this is all so MENTAL and unhealthy!
What have I become!
You have become deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Our own thinking becomes distorted. We, too, can become ill.

It sounds to me like you are asking many, many questions that lead to recovery. Just keep reaching out to the board, to others in recovery. There are solutions but each person's path is slightly different. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

I know how frustrated I felt that I saw myself doing things I considered insane -- yet I would do them. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and work to change my thinking, my attitudes, my choices.

It's hard but it's worth it!

Hang in there.
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Old 11-08-2009, 10:06 AM
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its hard isn't it, trying to rewire that thinking?

I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust the other, or where I'm not trusted. The last 2 relationships I have been in I have lost my trust for the other because of their repeated betrayals.

I trust too easily, I trust again and again and again, as Bookwyrm says. Being distrustful isn't really the problem for me.

I've also been distrusted without provocation and that's hard too: being accussed of affairs when I go out, when he finds a pullover he was too drunk to remember borrowing, when he "dreams" that I have been unfaithful.

my issue/his issue, these things get intertwined and confusing. But I'm easy to run rings around and manipulate emotionally. This probably isn't healthy, but I think from now on the moment I distrust someone, I'm goingt to step way back and cut someone from my life, no second guessing, no thinking about my motives, giving them the chance to explain, benefit of the doubt or agonising, self-reflection about what my distrust reveals about my psyche: because it almost doesn't matter to me why the trust has gone (because they've done something/because I have trust issues): people say it can be rebuilt but it looks bloody hard and to be frank, unless a relationship was uniquely wonderful before the trust went south, would the effort be worth it?

Heath warning: I haven't slept well for a while (sick children) so this may be reflected in my mood!
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Old 11-08-2009, 10:15 AM
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I am still sorting out these issues for myself. I know that STBXAH is untrustworthy, but I know that I could have known that long before I finally "figured it out." Anyone whose words and actions demand that you defy your gut feelings is not trustworthy. Anyone who belittles you for speaking up about your gut feelings is not trustworthy. The thing I have learned is that *that* is the point where I should have left over trust issues, not when all my snooping confirmed my gut feelings months later. Or, maybe the trust factor should have come up way earlier, like before I married the guy. "All my ex-girlfriends are bat$hit," should have tipped me off, among several other factors. "I quit my job because my boss is a d1ck/b1tch." Things like that, which evade the truth and shift blame. I was a fool to think that wouldn't transfer over into our relationship.

One thing I know is that I will not let this one untrustworthy person ruin my perception of all men. I will choose carefully from the beginning and start off with the default of trusting a person unless my gut tells me otherwise. I will never fall back into this crazy life of knowing I don't trust someone and snooping until I get the evidence. If there's no trust, it's just not happening for me. Life is too short.
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Old 11-08-2009, 11:01 AM
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If I had to pick the most important thing I learned in therapy (and there are a lot of them!), this would be it.

It's not about trusting others, it's about trusting yourself. This is, I believe the single most important shift in thinking for me since I have been in recovery.

It doesn't matter what another person does, it matters what I do. If I am with someone untrustworthy, I need to be able to trust myself to do what's best for me. There were lots of other issues that needed my attention before I could come to the place of trusting myself. For example, I had to learn to overcome my fear of abandonment in order to stop myself from clinging to a relationship that was unhealthy. I had to overcome the committee in my head that told me I was a bad person if I didn't give people "another chance" after they had repeatedly hurt me. And I had to learn that no decision is forever. If I make a mistake, I can learn from it and either right it or do better next time. I don't have to be held hostage by my fear of making mistakes.

Slowly, I'm getting to the point where I do trust myself. And my therapist was right, trusting someone else is really a lot less important now.

L
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Old 11-08-2009, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by normaeinstein View Post
I'm just thinking about things really.
Things about actions and reactions
Trying to get things clearer for myself so I can move on better.
If I can't trust my AH is that my issue?
Is that something I have to sort out?
Or does he have to show me that I can trust him again?
Is it his issues that I can't trust him?

Does it even matter?
Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me multiple times, I'm should forget about what they're doing, I think it's pretty obvious who has the problem here.

My story, with the caveat, I never did trust her, and it wasn't my issue.

My issue was being involved with someone that was untrustworthy.
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Old 11-08-2009, 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I had to learn to overcome my fear of abandonment in order to stop myself from clinging to a relationship that was unhealthy. I had to overcome the committee in my head that told me I was a bad person if I didn't give people "another chance" after they had repeatedly hurt me. And I had to learn that no decision is forever. If I make a mistake, I can learn from it and either right it or do better next time. I don't have to be held hostage by my fear of making mistakes.
I NEEDED to hear this today, this is all of my fears in a nutshell.

Holy cow. I am so enlightened. Thank you!
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Old 11-08-2009, 12:31 PM
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I guess my thought on that *for me* is that if my gut tells me I can't trust someone, either 1) my gut is wrong and I have trust issues and therefore no business being in a relationship; or 2) my gut is right and the person is not trustworthy and I shouldn't be in a relationship with them. With my STBX, it was #2. Right now, at the point of my life I am in, I am at #1 where I know I will have trust issues in any relationship and therefore I have no business being in one with anyone.
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