Thanks mxchaos. I was in one-on-one counseling last summer with an addiction specialist, but it just felt wrong. I'd find that we'd talk about a lot of negative things in my weekly sessions, and then my mind would sit on them, work them over, every other waking hour of the week. I may not have been with the right person, but after 2 months, I stopped going . . . it didn't feel like a positive experience.
I'd LOVE to go inpatient if I had the money. I'm working on a project right now, and if I can pull it together, I'll definitely pay for it myself. That, unfortunately, will not be for at least a few months down the road though.
You know, I'm just really deeply scared. I consider myself a spiritual person and don't let materialistic "stuff" weigh me down. The only thing I've kept all these years is my independence. Yes, I realize that my dependence on alcohol is seemingly hindering my "independence", but being on my own, paying my bills, keeping it together, even if it can sometimes feel by a very thin thread, is really the only thing I feel I have left to be proud of . . .
Pride. Such a stupid word, but to give up this last little bit of life, which is sometimes more than many people without alcohol even have, would truly feel as if I've completely given up on myself. I've beaten myself down, shattered many things, including pieces of myself, my relationships and others, but to give up my independence would feel like my last ultimate failure. I'm still standing. I'm still swinging. I'm still trying. It's the last thing I have to hold onto . . .
To even really talk about this, and not in a flippant way, even on here, is a big step for me. My walls are thick. Soft in some places, but thick nonetheless.
****
So just as I finished typing that sentence, I heard a long squeal of tires and a huge crash outside my apt. I threw on my shoes, grabbed my phone and ran outside. None of my neighbors apparently heard anything, because I was the sole person running outside. Granted it's almost 2:30 am here, but seriously, it was insanely loud. A bunch of drunk (I'm assuming) kids in their early 20s drove into a large sign/building corner on the street in front of my place. The car looks to be totaled. Everyone was safe, and they said they called 911, but I still hear no sirens.
Brand new car. Airbag went off. Dust/smoke everywhere. Looked a lot like the tangled mess I encountered the day after I drove my brand new car into a wall. The girls were even dressed in cute little outfits and heels just like I was on the night of my accident. So happy no one was seriously hurt. Good thing this is residential, and they hopefully weren't going much faster than 40, or I'd probably be standing on the corner with every towel I own trying to keep someone from bleeding to death.
Wow, that f***ing scared the sh** out of me.
After that sound, I was certain someone would be hurt. When I was sure that everyone was okay (other friends stopped in a vehicle behind them), I just turned around and walked back to my building. As I entered the gate, tears started rolling out of my eyes.
Sign? Ugh. I think I'm gonna go throw up now.