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Liquor store, why do you have to be so close?

Old 11-03-2009, 02:58 PM
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Lightbulb Liquor store, why do you have to be so close?

Hello all. 1st day back into sobriety, and I'm already itching to pick up a 6 pack. Do I never learn?


I've been up and down this road so many times, it's impossible to count now. It's desperately hard to admit that I've had a drinking problem for 20 years and that it's been serious for over 9. My twenties are gone. I find myself, right now, in my apt staring at over two cases of empty beer bottles on my counter, wondering, "When did I start drinking those, and why haven't I taken my recycling out so I don't have to stare at all of them?"

I lasted 8 months sober in 07 after driving my car into a concrete wall, but after that first drink back, it's been a slippery slope ever since. I feel that I've gotten more careful with my drinking. I no longer wake up with glass and blood littering my apt, but I know my life is suffering nonetheless. My formerly insane destructive tendencies and anger are gone, but now the overwhelming sense of loneliness and failure are upon my heels everyday.

I know I have done this to myself. I look in the mirror and just want to cry over all the wasted opportunities and years I've taken from my life by buffering myself from the world with alcohol. I sincerely don't even want to know myself anymore. So hard to admit that at 22 I was much more together and balanced than I find myself at 32. I don't want to do this anymore, and it's painful, and it sucks, and I hate that I don't know if commas really belong in this horrible run-on sentence. I should have probably just made them all their own independent sentences.

And for some reason, admitting that I don't know if I should have commas or not caused me to start bawling as I typed. I was smart once. Really smart. Now I just feel like any minimal amount of intelligence I have is wasted clutching at the frayed edges of my dreams and contemplating life or death or energy or the universe or my own loneliness or the society that we live in . . . wasted. There was once a time, before I threw myself into a dark alcoholic abyss, that I actually cared about the world and would take my thoughts and put them into action. Now my mind just goes in a hundred directions, and I don't even remember what it feels like to achieve something and be proud of it anymore.

It's a sad state of affairs over here. I haven't killed anyone. I am not dead, and I am not at my bottom. I hit my bottom many years ago during a terrible trip to Vegas when I couldn't even remember my name when the police asked me.

Okay, maybe this IS my bottom. Today. Maybe that was just a really bad incident on this rollercoaster for which I've apparently bought a season pass. I feel terrible because all these things have happened, and I'm still thinking, "Hey, sounds like a great idea to go to the store and get a six pack." That is just insane thinking.

Years ago I was raped because of my alcohol consumption. I've lost friends, boyfriends, jobs, hobbies, careers, my once good looks, my pride, my hope, my life, my shining potential, my dreams. God, I threw my dreams out the window. It makes me sick, and I'm sitting here crying about it for the first time in, god, I have no idea. It's so easy to just try to get by. It's so easy to just say, "Wow, where did 09, 08, 07, 06, (and she keeps typing), 05, 04, 03 go??" Okay, correction, it's not easy or my fingertips wouldn't be swimming in a pool of my own tears right now.

I want to be done with this. I want to be able to get my dreams back while I still have a viable chance. I never dreamt of having a family, a husband, some solid "norm" future, but I always dreamt of excelling with my creativity, and I struggle with it now. And I look around at all the people my age, who I was once "so much more mature than", and they all have families and houses and careers, and I feel like an infant. Like I've regressed far beyond any place I've ever been before . . .

To keep doing this is to drive my life even further into the ground. I haven't had too many embarrassing episodes over the last year or so, but this weekend, and nothing HORRIBLE happened (I'm thanking the universe that I woke up on a friend's couch and not in an alley or behind the wheel of a car), but I just had to phone people that I work with . . . people ten years younger than I am . . . to apologize for my behavior.

I've done some totally horrible things in my past that have hurt my pride, other people, my life, but today, sober, doing that, making those calls, I felt so washed up and graceless. I don't want to be this person anymore. I definitely KNOW it's because of my drinking. I KNOW my drinking is a manifestation of other issues, but I really need to stop drinking so I can finally move forward. 8 or so years of standing still is enough for me. God, I hope it's enough for me.

I went to two AA meetings after I totaled my car in 07. Those meetings made me want to drink more than anything. They made me feel so freaking hopeless, like, "This is what I've made of my life? I'm sitting in an AA meeting???" I'm very, very, very apprehensive about attending AA, because I know my own triggers. Leaning on other people and feeling vulnerable drive me straight to the bottle. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. The two meetings I went to were so depressing. That's how I feel, but I'm starting to think I may just have to suck it up and go . . . I can't go to rehab. I don't have the money, and as much as I've begged, my parents aren't sending me either. I think it would be an embarrassment to them, and uh, "It's so hard to believe you can't just stop. You're so much stronger than that!" I can hear that a hundred times, and it still rips me apart as much on the 100th as it did the 1st.

Even if I could get them to send me, taking a month or longer (which is really what I'd need) would send my life in a spiral, and I'd lose whatever minimal amount of a "life" I have left. Career, apt, job. Gone. I don't want only my sobriety to hang onto. I still have opportunities. Beautiful opportunities that I'm trying to stop myself from wrecking.

So, for now, I'm pretty busy and won't be going to a meeting today. And probably not tomorrow or the next day or the next day, but maybe I will. I don't know right now, but I do know that I'm here. Hopefully that's a start.

I've said it so many times to myself that I'm starting to not believe me. So I guess I'll say it to all of you. Writing this stopped me from going to the liquor store. I will not go this afternoon, and hopefully I will be back on here tonight to say, "I'm on here so I can type until 2:01 am." And my first day without a drink, since I have no idea when, will be done.


Wishing you all so much wellness in your struggles today. May there be light to brighten the darkness.
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:07 PM
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Welcome Seekingpeace and do stay here and post OR enter the chat room if there's someone in there. I would head in, but its time for me to pick my son up at the bus stop. Congratulations on making an excellent life changing decision. I think sobriety is the best, but that's my opinion. Beginning was a learning experience and actually, the learning never ends. You can do it and SR is a great stepping stone. Glad to meet you and look forward to hearing more from you.
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:44 PM
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Before the night is out I'm sure that many others will respond to your post, welcome and encourage you. I'm at work at the moment so I don't have much time, but if you can't rememeber the last day you did not drink, I think you should get some medical help with your detox. I know you are hurting right know, but one thing about your post stuck out for me. You are only 32, (50 is in my rear view mirror) get sober and you have 50+ years ahead of you. Some day this can be a distant memory.
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:49 PM
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Old 11-03-2009, 03:58 PM
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Well I'm back from picking up my son and I just reread what you have written. First my suggestion is to not turn your head and look back. You are young and have many, many good years and a bright future ahead of you. When you went to AA before you may not have been ready to recover. It sure sounds like you are ready and willing to recover now. You think about it. I do hope you return tonight and you will see a whole load of people on SR that have responded to your cry for help. You reach out and SR grabs your hand.

You know come to think of it AA did the same for me many years ago when I went. I wasn't ready at that point, but they reached out. There are many good people in the world and I believe my Higher Power has put them there for a reason.

I do hope you will join us and today can be the start of a brand new life. No regrets just good, healthy anticipation of a bright future. It can be yours.
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:04 PM
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Welcome SeekingPeace01

Many of us have been exactly where you are - I know I was.

I came to SR after 5 years of all day drinking, sunup to bedtime, and 10-15 years binging behind that - that's no way to spend one's twenties and thirties.

The first thing to do is stop drinking. So simple yet so hard.

But everything else really does radiate from that - you need to make recovery your number one priority - your career and apt may not be there if you don't deal with this situation now.

Please don't discount *anything* - you owe it to yourself to check out every option, even the ones that you have limited experience with already - AA, counselling, rehab...whatever.....

don't block off any avenues of support, cos you might need them.

Here's a list of some of the major recovery resources
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

Whats done is done - the past is gone....we can't change that however much we want to. But we can start changing things today and make our future a better one.

I haven't had a drink since April 2007 - and these last few years of my life have been the best ever.

If I can do it? So can you.
You'll find so much support here.

Welcome to SR

D
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:07 PM
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Welcome.

Know that almost everyone here has been you're at and knows exactly what you're going through... and what it feels like.

Also know that it's my experience that at this stage of the game there's nothing you can "learn" that will keep you from wanting to drink.

If you get a chance, reread this paragraph that you wrote:

Originally Posted by SeekingPeace01 View Post
I went to two AA meetings after I totaled my car in 07. Those meetings made me want to drink more than anything. They made me feel so freaking hopeless, like, "This is what I've made of my life? I'm sitting in an AA meeting???" I'm very, very, very apprehensive about attending AA, because I know my own triggers. Leaning on other people and feeling vulnerable drive me straight to the bottle. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. The two meetings I went to were so depressing. That's how I feel, but I'm starting to think I may just have to suck it up and go . . . I can't go to rehab. I don't have the money, and as much as I've begged, my parents aren't sending me either. I think it would be an embarrassment to them, and uh, "It's so hard to believe you can't just stop. You're so much stronger than that!" I can hear that a hundred times, and it still rips me apart as much on the 100th as it did the 1st.
I re-read this a few times, and to me it sums up your situation nicely. You shrink from the thought of needing the help of others, yet when your parents paint you as someone strong enough not to need help, you recognize it as a fallacy to the point that it rips you apart.

None of us can get out of the kind of hole you're in alone.

Chris
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:31 PM
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By the end of my long drinking years I detested
the woman I had become.

I still had a job...an apartment...a couple of Siamese cats
a lover....friends.....credit cards and money. I had not lost
my looks ...no DUI's I was 48. externally everything was A-ok.

Inside ...mentally....I was cold and empty. Depression was daily.
When my psychiatrist diagnosed me wuth situational depression
he suggested AA recovery.

One unexpected gift ....I've been finding joy in my fantastic
new life, I was hoping to quit drinking...glad to discover much more.


There are members here with successful sobriety who do not
use AA or any formal method to win over addiction.
There is no one way to recover.

Welcome to SR....
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:42 PM
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Welcome, Seeking.

I know the standing still very well. SR has been an invaluable tool for me in trying to overcome past tendencies to just return to the bottle... I hope it will be for you as well.

There's a lot of good advice here, and I hope you will continue to read and to post. And don't give up on your sobriety... one day is always good.

Take care,
TB
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:13 PM
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Thank you all SO MUCH. I'm feeling fairly strong and confident already. I need to just go with that feeling instead of beating it to death with, "Well, you've tried this before." I went out to run some errands after I posted and had to laugh at myself thinking, "One thing is for sure, I've gotten way better at hopping back up after I push myself down!"

After so many years struggling with alcohol, I've been so far down so many times and getting back up is never easy but with each try it seems that I have more hope. Now, the trick, I guess, is to just figure out how to keep standing.

One's blessings can only go so far. An ex once told me, "You know, I've seen you almost die at least 4 times in the last six months. If you don't stop what you're doing there may not be a next time." Well, that was a few years ago, and I really believe I may only be so close to having no more chances.

Chris, when I read your reply, it really shocked me. I didn't even mean to put those thoughts together in that way. The analytical person that I am, did not even connect those two very obvious dots even though I put them in the same paragraph. Thank you so much for pointing it out. I was raised an only child, and I was definitely taught that leaning on other people is a weakness, so thank you all for your kind words. It's been a long struggle the last few years really, really trying to ask the few people close to me for help. The need for a life preserver has passed. I'm in need of a life freaking boat at this point. Like, call the coast guard, the ship sunk many years ago. Oh that makes laugh. Makes me sad, but makes me laugh.

Once again, thank you all so much. You are truly blessings for me today. I just want my life back. Actually, I just want A life. I started drinking when I was 12, became a habit at 16, so I'm not sure how much I even know about what a non-alcohol-aided life is, but whatever the heck it is, I need it. I want it. ? . I hate that question mark.

I made it three weeks in July. That's the longest I'd gone, aside from the 8 months, since I was 14.

Much love. Much wellness and light to you all.
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:17 PM
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And CarolD, thank you so much for saying that there isn't only one way. That helps me so much. I'm in a city where AA just doesn't feel very anonymous.
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:54 PM
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Welcome seeking...it sounds like you are ready to start the long journey known as sobriety, but it's a great journey. The beginning is always the hardest and that's why so many say to reach out for help. A lot of times when we reach out to those that are closest to us, they don't understand. I am a "strong" person too...I hate asking for help, but to kick this, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone...a lot of times strangers are more understanding, especially if they've gone thru what you are right now.

I felt the same way about AA that you describe. I ended up trying a NA meeting and although I wasn't a drug addict, I felt like I fit in a lot better. This may be the hardest road you ever travel, but it will also be the most rewarding. Your life can be so much more than you can even dream about right now. :ghug3
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Old 11-03-2009, 11:53 PM
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I just registered to thank you for posting this. I'm trying to do this on my own again after (another) weekend of nearly constant drunkenness and zero productivity. I just saw so many parallels in you story to mine I had to say something.

Good luck

kevin
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Old 11-04-2009, 12:10 AM
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Hi Kevin...
Welcome to our recovery community
Glad you decided to join us
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Old 11-04-2009, 01:22 AM
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Hey, that was a real intense opening post. It reminds me of why I don't want to go back to the drink. I thought I had hit a bottom, put a few dry months together and then went back to the bottle... well my currant bottom was nothing dramatic at all... I just felt so freaking empty when I woke up, I just had to try a sober life. No regrets. A better life is yours for the taking...

Clayton
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Old 11-04-2009, 01:55 AM
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I hope that you can find an HP that will enable you to overcome your personal prejudices and misconceptions about the various avenues of help available to you in this great, wide world of recovery that we, the afflicted, have been so blessed to discover. Please review your priorities concerning jobs, social stature (stigma), housing and anything that is not directly concerned with saving your life. Without sobriety and a peaceful place to be and a safe harbor from the world, at least mentally, we cannot have all of the things that appear, at first glance, to be so necessary. God bless you. John from Oklahoma
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Old 11-04-2009, 02:41 AM
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19 more minutes, and I'm in the clear for the day. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.
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Old 11-04-2009, 02:52 AM
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Have you thought about addiction counseling??or taking the risk of losing what you have left by going inpatient??because living sober you will gain so much more...

It's along hard struggle with help and I found it impossible to do alone...Now a year later my life is so much better and I've gained so much...not to say it's still not a struggle living healthy but it's much better than how I was living for the last few years.

keep reaching out here and look into one on one counseling ...there is hope you just need to choose...
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Old 11-04-2009, 03:45 AM
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Thanks mxchaos. I was in one-on-one counseling last summer with an addiction specialist, but it just felt wrong. I'd find that we'd talk about a lot of negative things in my weekly sessions, and then my mind would sit on them, work them over, every other waking hour of the week. I may not have been with the right person, but after 2 months, I stopped going . . . it didn't feel like a positive experience.

I'd LOVE to go inpatient if I had the money. I'm working on a project right now, and if I can pull it together, I'll definitely pay for it myself. That, unfortunately, will not be for at least a few months down the road though.

You know, I'm just really deeply scared. I consider myself a spiritual person and don't let materialistic "stuff" weigh me down. The only thing I've kept all these years is my independence. Yes, I realize that my dependence on alcohol is seemingly hindering my "independence", but being on my own, paying my bills, keeping it together, even if it can sometimes feel by a very thin thread, is really the only thing I feel I have left to be proud of . . .

Pride. Such a stupid word, but to give up this last little bit of life, which is sometimes more than many people without alcohol even have, would truly feel as if I've completely given up on myself. I've beaten myself down, shattered many things, including pieces of myself, my relationships and others, but to give up my independence would feel like my last ultimate failure. I'm still standing. I'm still swinging. I'm still trying. It's the last thing I have to hold onto . . .

To even really talk about this, and not in a flippant way, even on here, is a big step for me. My walls are thick. Soft in some places, but thick nonetheless.

****

So just as I finished typing that sentence, I heard a long squeal of tires and a huge crash outside my apt. I threw on my shoes, grabbed my phone and ran outside. None of my neighbors apparently heard anything, because I was the sole person running outside. Granted it's almost 2:30 am here, but seriously, it was insanely loud. A bunch of drunk (I'm assuming) kids in their early 20s drove into a large sign/building corner on the street in front of my place. The car looks to be totaled. Everyone was safe, and they said they called 911, but I still hear no sirens.

Brand new car. Airbag went off. Dust/smoke everywhere. Looked a lot like the tangled mess I encountered the day after I drove my brand new car into a wall. The girls were even dressed in cute little outfits and heels just like I was on the night of my accident. So happy no one was seriously hurt. Good thing this is residential, and they hopefully weren't going much faster than 40, or I'd probably be standing on the corner with every towel I own trying to keep someone from bleeding to death.

Wow, that f***ing scared the sh** out of me.

After that sound, I was certain someone would be hurt. When I was sure that everyone was okay (other friends stopped in a vehicle behind them), I just turned around and walked back to my building. As I entered the gate, tears started rolling out of my eyes.

Sign? Ugh. I think I'm gonna go throw up now.
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Old 11-04-2009, 04:55 AM
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welcome to this board. it has been a godsend for me. i now have 56 days under my belt and tho' everything is not perfect life is so much better. i couldn't have done it without these fine folks. i don't post often but i read daily.

i know when you're starting out 56 sounds like a lot of days but it's nothing compared to some in sobriety. the first week was horrible but with the help of these folks and taking it one day at a time i'm in a much, much better place.

you think you've basically wasted a decade but trust me when i say, you are sooooo young to already be wanting to get your life together. your posts are very cogent and your intelligence and self-awareness shines through them. if i, a LOVER of vodka can do this you can too. make that former lover... the thought of the burn revolts me now but it was something i was willing to put up with. not to reach a buzz. i would go from not really buzzing to passed out and waking up on the sofa at 2 am to drag myself to bed for a 5:30 alarm for work.

i am so thankful those kids are okay. hopefully this incident will wake one of them up to the path that lays before them with alcohol abuse. i'm glad you were there in case they needed you.

keep coming back here no matter what approach you decide to use. just remember, you are still very young and have a whole wonderful life ahead of you where you truly can accomplish anything. it'll just be a lot easier to accomplish it without the poison.
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