Before the night is out I'm sure that many others will respond to your post, welcome and encourage you. I'm at work at the moment so I don't have much time, but if you can't rememeber the last day you did not drink, I think you should get some medical help with your detox. I know you are hurting right know, but one thing about your post stuck out for me. You are only 32, (50 is in my rear view mirror) get sober and you have 50+ years ahead of you. Some day this can be a distant memory.