Thanks keithj,
I know that you've written from the heart, as i do, so I appreciate your candor and suggestions. I too have seen people like me in the meetings, and I've seen alot of others too. I've tried the sponsor deal a couple times, but when you talk of a spiritual awakening, how am I, a skeptic by heart, to know when I'm talking with someone who has had a spiritual awakening, or just some oldtimer with alot of years who thinks that it's his right to prey on newcomers, ask them to buy meals for them, talk down to them like they are the dumbest people on the planet, and insult the hell out of them/me. I don't care if they have twenty, thirty, a hundred years without a drink, it seems to me that someone coming from a spiritual awakening would have more respect for his fellow man, especially an old drunk who was just like him at one time. I've encountered people who assigned me a sponsor on my first night in the group, and he told me to call every day, so I did for a while, but I stopped because I always got his answering machine, and he never called back. I never even got to know the guy, but after a few weeks of not returning my calls, then I said enough is enough and didn't go back. I don't know about him, but I was taught that's it's rude not to return someones call, and I would think that would be especially important if you're dealing with a drunk who's counting on you to help him not drink today.
It's my impression that by thoroughly doing the steps, with a sponsor, that a person can address the mistakes made, set them right to the best of their ability, then experience a spiritual awakening as you describe, but how do you do that if the sponsor you find doesn't care to spend time with you to address these concerns. I may be in an area where good sponsorship is tough to find, but I do know my experience has not been very good in finding someone who takes you through the steps as a guide and helps you deal with the concerns that arise as you attempt to do so. Some people think every excuse is not based on reality, that when someone says "I had a flat tire", oh that's just an excuse, but the reality is that tires do go flat, and some sponsors aren't worth the time just because of time in AA meetings. I don't mind someone who's tough, and calls me on my bs, but he better be real, I want to see that he has something I want or I'm not interested. If he does, then I'm willing to do whatever I can to rid myself of this affliction, for I've wasted too many years trying to find my way in life and staying drunk doesn't work.
Five years ago, I tried AA for real, did all the steps through 9 with a guy, but I didn't feel any spiritual awakening, I just cleaned up some debts, made alot of amends and tried to help others, but was still lost, but I didn't know it, and the real problem is that I just don't know how to have faith in something I can't see, in respect to turning my life over to Him/Her/It. That's my truth. The sponsor I had went back out, and I have no idea where he is today. I hope he's sober. I know I'm not even close.
I'm here looking for answers, or I wouldn't be here. Thanks for your help. I'll keep looking till I find the help I need.