firestorm090

I'm really tired of drinking, but need help to stop.

I feel I've messed around with this recovery thing for too long now, but have no where else to go with my life, so I'm wondering if you will help me get sober for real this time. I need another chance to make this work in my life and need your support. I'm sorry for all the false starts, only to drink again and would like to make Halloween, today, my new recovery date. Can I count on your support? Hopefully you have not tired too much from my constant relaspes and are willing to give me one more try.

What do you think?

OZboy

..as a friend..can i say that you inspire me..
..booze,no booze..booze...no booze..
..it will go on..but it's your choice...not mine..

..so stop your whinging...Ozy

Gypsy Feet

you know you have mine dallas, in for a penny, in for a pound=)

I am just starting my recovery process over today too, not because I drank, but because I think its a journey of beginnings and new discoveries, so I will start today with you, no drinks for me on this day!

Fiona630

I am not drinking today either! It will actually be the first Halloween that I can remember that I did not drink. My son and I have a tradition that we order a pizza and watch Finding Nemo and 8 crazy nights...we have done this for years. And or course while he ate candy I drank. But not tonight.

Charmie

im here.thought about AA?

laurie6781

See my post on your thread from last night:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Love and hugs,

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey Firestorm, keep it simple. Try to stay in the day. We all know its hard. I can see the pain in your post. Healing is never fast.

traderjane

I think it's a great day to start your recovery. My new date is Oct. 29. Let's make them stick.

aasharon90

A good suggestion would be to
get rid of anything and everything
associated with alcohol.

Taking all alcohol from your home
and throw them out. No souviners.

Recovery meant for me, staying
far away from clubs and bars which
alcohol freely flows.

All those so called friends that I
made there could still be there,
however im not.

Stay away from people places
and things dealing with alcohol
so there wont be any temptation.

Grab a hold of someone in recovery
and let them guide you.

Those with many yrs recovery
know what to do and staying sober
for long persiods of time can
be done.

Follow their suggestions and
breathe.

One Day AT A Time.

Missymae737

Hi,

Early recovery is challenging. Each day brings strength and courage to keep fighting...

Never give up the fight to live a sober life...

You can do this, I know you can do this...

firestorm090

Sandy, I know this may sound crazy, but I really don't know what caused me to drink. I can be determined not to drink today, then 30 seconds later hop in my jeep and go to the bar, totally forgetting my commitment not to drink today. It's insane, that's all I can tell ya. Just plain sick, twisted thinking. It's like I need to reprogram my mind, cause it's so unpredictable and yet predictable when it comes to drinking, I think the reason I drink, even when I don't want to, is that I'm just sick inside, if that makes any sense. When people talk of healing, I don't even know where to begin. I don't really know what needs healing inside me, maybe everything inside me is all screwed up? Seems logical, yet healing the unseen is hard to grasp for me. I'm a "hands on" kinda guy, so if I can't see it, it's hard for me to fix it. When I think of emotions, I think of cake mix in a bowl, just a glob of ****, that in the right hands can make an excellent cake, but in my hands, just gets spilled on the counter, oozes off onto the floor, then gets tracked around the house for a few days till the dog licks it up, lol. To say, "I don't know" may seem like a copout to some, but really I don't know what motivates me or anyone to do something that is harmful to oneself. It's an enigma to me.

I'm going on the one-hour plan today, just taking it an hour at a time and not drinking. It's worked for a couple hours now, and to be honest, I really don't want a drink today. It's when I feel good that I'm most at risk, but I feel like hell today, so maybe that's a good thing.

Thanks all.

girlbythelake

firestorm,

i'm on the hour-at-a-time plan today, but i'm doing it in 15 minute increments, and trying to stay distracted.

i think what's messed up is the "mental obsession" that has taken over our thinking... and i don't have the answers. i'm just letting you know that i'm right here with you.

Mark75

We can start over Dallas.... As many times as you need to. We'll be right here.

Your last post in this thread... You are very good at expressing yourself... You describe alcoholism so well....

Have you read the big book yet?

Mark

firestorm090

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your reply and support.

About the Big Book, yes, I've read it. I even downloaded it to my cpu so I can reference it anytime, but it's learning how to implement the steps into my life or myself into the steps that baffles me. I know the mantra, "Don't drink, go to a meeting", but I tend to complicate things by trying to recover in a few days, and want to be "well" immediately, but it hasn't worked so far. In fact, I think I've become so confused that I'm even sicker than before. When I say I'm lost, well, that's not just an easy out, it's the truth. Why, when I know all that I know about AA, the BB, and recovery in general, would I delude myself into thinking that I'm different, is it ego, grandiosity, or just stubbornness? Maybe a combo meal of all the above?

Here's the real delimma, drinking lost it's attraction to me long ago, now I do it to just shut my mind down so that I feel somewhat normal. Isn't that strange? Why do I get drunk to feel "normal"? It's like I only feel normal when I can not feel. The less I feel, the more normal I feel, it's like putting my mind on autopilot to hell, but at least it stops the thoughts from swirling like a hoard of bats in my head. Maybe I really need therapy, but I tried that and found the results to be less than desirable, plus I have preconceived obstacles to therapy, which I will refrain from listing at this time. All I can say is that when I drink, even though I know it is killing me, making my life miserable, the trade off of not-thinking is a reward, till I sober up, then the mind starts again, then I drink again, round and round it goes. Till today. I really want off this merry-go-round, so I'm here, trying to stay focused till my meetings tonight. I hope I can muster the courage to go and show my face again. I'm going to make a necklace out of all these white chips they keep giving me, lol.

Thanks Mark, and to all.

Wolfchild

Welcome back.

i had depended on drugs and alcohol to do for me what i could not do for myself for a very long time.
Now i let God have the authority to help me when i need it most (whether i realize i need it or not!).

Surrender to win and learn to let go.
It'll be worth it for the rest of your life!

RobbyRobot

yeah, that sounds about right, just like i remember it, the way it was for me. You're talking good sense, just want you to know that, so keep on it.

have a good meeting, Dallas.

RobbyRobot

way to work it, Oz. good journey.

CarolD

Dallas....
Please go read the 24 Hour A Day in our
Alcoholism 12 Step Support Forum

That is how I found the joy.....

laurie6781

I was at a meeting with my sponsor and I was maybe 6 weeks sober. There was a lady getting a 20 year cake.

Now I swear my sponsor knew what I was thinking before I did, because before I could say a word, she looked me dead in the eye and said "you will get 20 years ONE DAY AT A TIME just like everybody else does." roflmao and she was right!

It is One Day At A Time. Get your butt to some meetings. Listen to the men until you hear one of them that really pi**es you off. That is the one to ask to be your sponsor, providing he has worked the steps and is now living them, because what is irritating you is the 'truth' he speaks.

Then listen and do as that sponsor asks of you even when YOU DON'T WANT TO. Do the 90 meetings in 90 days, which did come from some rehabs programs. Goes to the theory that you can change a habit in 90 days. What that will do is get you 'in the habit' of attending meetings. Can't hurt you. Talk with your sponsor A LOT and I do mean A LOT.

When I asked Bev to be my sponsor she explained to me that her 'job' as my sponsor was to show me what was in the first 164 pages of the BB of AA, to show me how she had applied those 164 pages to her life to give me a basis to work from. Well she and Hugh did much more than that, but it was a great start.

Do the Pro and Con Lists to find out if you are really ready to give up the sauce. IF you are, you know what you need to do for you. It won't be easy, as a matter of fact it will be damn hard, harder than anything you have ever tried before, but you can use that stubbornness that we seem to have toward a good thing for you.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

keithj

Dallas,

I'll support you for as long as you are willing to try to get sober. I'll support you by telling you the only truth I know.

I was a lot a like you. I spent a couple of years just not getting it. I went to my doctor, tried anti-depressants, sought counseling, outpatient treatment, inpatient rehab. And I couldn't stop drinking for any significant length of time. I went to AA and did not finish the Steps. Couldn't do Step 4 because I had not surrendered. And I drank again.

Then, one day in a panic induced drunken state of hysteria, I knew I could not go on like this any longer. I picked up the phone and called a guy in AA who talked about having a spiritual awakening that solved his problem. He took me through the steps, and I recovered from a hopeless and desperate state.

I'm not buying it, my friend. Incorporating the steps into your life is a cop out. Instead, I needed to stop trying to figure out the steps, and just take the steps. The book contains precise, specific directions on how to do this. Reading the book tells me the directions, but until I was willing to follow the directions, I stayed drunk.

I see so many like you, Dallas. Last night, I saw Ben, and Shane, and Tara, and Jen, and Mark, and a few others that I've been seeing come and go for the past 10 years. They've all read the book, but refuse to follow the directions. They come in for a month or two, get involved, and then they are gone for another 6 months.

Here are the facts as I know them:
There it is, Dallas. No middle of the road solution. If you're an alcoholic like me, only two choices available. So, are you an alcoholic like me? If so, here is the conclusion reached by the BB authors. It's the same conclusion reached by a couple million other people that have recovered from the same condition with which you suffer. You don't have to believe it. It's a take it or leave it deal. I recovered when I became willing to accept spiritual help. That meant following directions whether or not I agreed with it, believed it, liked it, or thought it was right. There were parts of the process I thought were complete crap. But I was willing to do them anyway.

This mantra is bullsh*t. It's perpetuated by people in the rooms of AA that don't know a whole lot about AA's program of recovery. A program of action. Goings to meetings and not drinking works very well for some people. And for some of us, we need the real program. We need a spiritual solution, not a support group.

I read about your health problems and your attempts and failures to get sober. Do you think you're powerless? Are you willing to try to do what others have done? Those are the only questions that need answered.

I sufferered for a long time thinking I knew a lot about the BB and about recovery. But the facts were, that I couldn't stay sober. So, really, how much did I know? I had to put aside what I thought I knew, and become willing to follow directions. And whose directions? The people that say 'go to meetings and don't drink' or the people that found a spiritual solution?

Surrender is the key, Dallas. Give up what you know and find someone that can take you through that book to pick out the directions.