Originally Posted by
itisatruth 
I started writing this trying to be logical and make sense, to write it out as a way to figure it out...then knew it had to be about feeling. I think too much as it is!!!! I want to stop!! So let me be honest....
I'm a mess and I don't know why. I'm still in my pajamas. I had some wine. I pigged out on cookie dough. I haven't worked out. I accomplished NOTHING this weekend. That's not true entirely but it's how I feel. I feel awful and I don't know why!! Last week wuzzled posted about wanting to escape and that's what I do every weekend lately....try to escape. But from what I don't know. I am afraid. But of what I don't know. I don't call people. I avoid my friends. I avoid life. I feel anxiety. I feel like a failure - in life, in my job. I feel stressed. I don't like being me right now. I want to cry. But I want to be strong, to figure this out on my own, and I stop myself.....tomorrow I go back to work and will be fine. I will smile and say I had a good weekend and things will be fine.
My rAH (who is the reason I came here but has been my rock lately) wants me to see a doctor, worries it's my thyroid or depression. One of my good friends said maybe it's that I had been living in a high state of stress for so long that now that my life is more calm, more normal that I am having trouble adjusting. Does that reasonable....has anyone felt that way? That the absence of "drama" is something that takes getting used to??
Whatever it is, I just want it to stop. Thanks for being here and reading~
Hey there hon,
I hope you feel better as well........... checking with a doctor (if it dosen't lift) would be wise, (however, people don't 'pop' out of depression, they would call in sick to work, etc....) real clinical depression -- people don't just snap out of after a weekend of feeling 'blue'.
My abf is active in his addiction, and not recovered at all-- however, there has not been much drama attatched to his addiciton lately.... with that being said, I don't this the lack of drama makes me 'depressed' -- but I am 'down'. Down becasue no drama? No, I think just 'down' because when there is no immediate crisis going on, it allows me to sit with myself, and realize that this has all taken a toll on me, emotionally, physically, etc.
Furthermore, his addiciton really disturbed the foundation of our relationship. There was/is a lack of trust/betrayal/selfishness--- during drama, you protect yourself by staying active yourself, with trying to help/cure/control/fix, etc.
Suddenly all is 'well' (seemingly) and you realize that YOU are not happy. Addiction changes the dynamics of a relationship, and everyone it touches.....perhaps you just need to find you again.
Love,
Cess.
P.s. wanting to 'run' away also..........