Honesty/Let me be me & accept it, PLEASE

Old 11-01-2009, 08:50 PM
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Honesty/Let me be me & accept it, PLEASE

I started writing this trying to be logical and make sense, to write it out as a way to figure it out...then knew it had to be about feeling. I think too much as it is!!!! I want to stop!! So let me be honest....

I'm a mess and I don't know why. I'm still in my pajamas. I had some wine. I pigged out on cookie dough. I haven't worked out. I accomplished NOTHING this weekend. That's not true entirely but it's how I feel. I feel awful and I don't know why!! Last week wuzzled posted about wanting to escape and that's what I do every weekend lately....try to escape. But from what I don't know. I am afraid. But of what I don't know. I don't call people. I avoid my friends. I avoid life. I feel anxiety. I feel like a failure - in life, in my job. I feel stressed. I don't like being me right now. I want to cry. But I want to be strong, to figure this out on my own, and I stop myself.....tomorrow I go back to work and will be fine. I will smile and say I had a good weekend and things will be fine.

My rAH (who is the reason I came here but has been my rock lately) wants me to see a doctor, worries it's my thyroid or depression. One of my good friends said maybe it's that I had been living in a high state of stress for so long that now that my life is more calm, more normal that I am having trouble adjusting. Does that reasonable....has anyone felt that way? That the absence of "drama" is something that takes getting used to??

Whatever it is, I just want it to stop. Thanks for being here and reading~
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Old 11-01-2009, 09:29 PM
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I'm sorry you are hurting...I don't think it is unusual for us to feel that way...perhaps because the drama has stopped and so now we can defrost a bit and the adrenaline stops flowing so fast.

Sometimes those types of weekends are needed...to just unwind a bit and not have to constantly do. But sometimes they are an indication of a slide into depression and isolation. One of the hardest things for me to do was take that step to talk to my doctor...to say, maybe I do need a little help to start feeling better. An antidepressant helped me...speaking with a counselor helped even more so I could develop the skills I needed to find my way out of that darkness of depression and see the warning signs goign forward.

Hugs...Hope you will think about your husbands suggestions. They say if depression lasts for more than 2 weeks, its a good idea to speak with a doctor. When I feel some of the warning signs, I try to get out more into sunshine...be physical (it lifts my spirit) and force myself tonot always stay alone, even though that is my preference.
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Old 11-01-2009, 10:57 PM
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What I notice is that you say you feel awful. I, too, hope you will check with your Dr.

Because on the other hand, I could see saying: Wow, I took the WHOLE weekend off, didn't do a thing but pamper me with cookie dough, a drink of wine, lounged around...wow, it felt great!

But it doesn't sound like you spent it that way as a choice and you are definitely sounding unhappy.

Best wishes!
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:44 AM
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Itsa - Hugs to you. You sound like me in this post..... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rgiveness.html

Maybe you can get some useful advice out of that? I KNOW exactly what you're feeling. Exactly. Know you're not alone. I don't have the answers, but I know all about putting a smile on my face and pretending like everything is alright.
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by itisatruth View Post
I started writing this trying to be logical and make sense, to write it out as a way to figure it out...then knew it had to be about feeling. I think too much as it is!!!! I want to stop!! So let me be honest....

I'm a mess and I don't know why. I'm still in my pajamas. I had some wine. I pigged out on cookie dough. I haven't worked out. I accomplished NOTHING this weekend. That's not true entirely but it's how I feel. I feel awful and I don't know why!! Last week wuzzled posted about wanting to escape and that's what I do every weekend lately....try to escape. But from what I don't know. I am afraid. But of what I don't know. I don't call people. I avoid my friends. I avoid life. I feel anxiety. I feel like a failure - in life, in my job. I feel stressed. I don't like being me right now. I want to cry. But I want to be strong, to figure this out on my own, and I stop myself.....tomorrow I go back to work and will be fine. I will smile and say I had a good weekend and things will be fine.

My rAH (who is the reason I came here but has been my rock lately) wants me to see a doctor, worries it's my thyroid or depression. One of my good friends said maybe it's that I had been living in a high state of stress for so long that now that my life is more calm, more normal that I am having trouble adjusting. Does that reasonable....has anyone felt that way? That the absence of "drama" is something that takes getting used to??

Whatever it is, I just want it to stop. Thanks for being here and reading~
Hey there hon,

I hope you feel better as well........... checking with a doctor (if it dosen't lift) would be wise, (however, people don't 'pop' out of depression, they would call in sick to work, etc....) real clinical depression -- people don't just snap out of after a weekend of feeling 'blue'.

My abf is active in his addiction, and not recovered at all-- however, there has not been much drama attatched to his addiciton lately.... with that being said, I don't this the lack of drama makes me 'depressed' -- but I am 'down'. Down becasue no drama? No, I think just 'down' because when there is no immediate crisis going on, it allows me to sit with myself, and realize that this has all taken a toll on me, emotionally, physically, etc.

Furthermore, his addiciton really disturbed the foundation of our relationship. There was/is a lack of trust/betrayal/selfishness--- during drama, you protect yourself by staying active yourself, with trying to help/cure/control/fix, etc.

Suddenly all is 'well' (seemingly) and you realize that YOU are not happy. Addiction changes the dynamics of a relationship, and everyone it touches.....perhaps you just need to find you again.

Love,
Cess.

P.s. wanting to 'run' away also..........
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:55 AM
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Hey itsatruth...

I completely understand what you are saying and the feelings you describe.

After leaving my exah and divorcing him, I went through something very similar.

You've been through alot. I think the symptoms I suffered were alot like post tramatic stress disorder. Yes, check with a doctor if the fog doesn't lift. But no matter what, try to be really kind and loving with yourself. Pamper yourself when you can. I recall taking ALOT of long, hot bubble baths and letting myself ease up. I stopped worrying if the house was a little dirty. I let the laundry pile up. I just focused on getting some much needed rest and I prayed...alot. Things did get better. Slowly, the fog lifted. In the meantime, just know there are lots of people here who understand what you're going through.

Hugs and strength...
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Old 11-02-2009, 05:15 AM
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Sending a big hug because I too had a spell of isolation and doldrums. I think it happens to most of us once in a while, but that doesn't make it fun.

Your recovery is shining because you clearly recognize that something is off balance here. I agree with the posters above, if you have trouble shaking it after a few days, a trip to your doctors may be in order.

Lots of things can hit us when we're not looking, PTSD is common here, but also depression or thyroid problems can be helped with proper medical attention.

For me, the difference between a bad day and a good day is generally about 2 days. After that I need to take action to try and shake off the darkness.

Hugs
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:31 AM
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Trying to be strong

sorry
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Old 11-02-2009, 04:16 PM
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When I had my exAH removed from the home after yet another violent incident, it took me months to "detox" from the past two years of constant crisis. Months to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop - and that was with him NOT living in my environment. I realized that my mind and body had literally been in survival mode for 2 years. My mind and body had become accustomed to functioning in a mode of trying to keep me ALIVE. That was a super big pill to swallow. My counselor tells me this type of functioning creates a degree of post-traumatic stress, like outonalimb said. Its real. Its serious. And it's really hard to process and work through. I can't imagine (for myself) trying to deal with the aftermath of my relationship with exAH still in my immediate home environment. After all, he was the source of the constant crisis and the reason my body and mind decided I was in a LIFE-THREATENING situation. Girl, you are one strong woman. Take a few steps out of the circle and look in. I think it will give you a lot of insight into yourself. Hang in there and always, ALWAYS, be good to yourself!
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Old 11-02-2009, 08:32 PM
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Lots to think about...thank you all for your replies - I feel so alone here in the house by myself & it truly helps.

Thought a lot about it today. Made myself go to they gym even though I didn't want to. I think there's a lot going on. My new job challenges being a biggie. I know a lot of my self-worth comes from my job and I just don't feel good about it right now.

More important though....still having trouble accepting myself completely. The "Why can't I be like (fill in blank)??" kind of stuff. I set myself up with high expectations of ME and I fail my own expectations.

And I'm tired...tired of never getting ahead, of the struggle.

As for rAH, notice the small 'r' because I don't want to put all my hopes on him again even though I feel really good about where he is. But now that he's in recovery, I don't feel needed as much...he is doing things on his own, taking care of things, of himself. And that's great - but I feel like I'm missing part of me...the part that took care of things, took care of him. Now I know I'm better off for this, that I'll be better when I find more of "me" but it's still new to me now.

I'm trying to make plans for the weekend now - just to make sure I actually get out. And I will go to the doctor...to check my thyroid again and just talk to her about it. I know this is just not "me".

Greet - definitely need to get out more & to the gym. I haven't worked out regularly in 3 weeks. It does make a huge difference. But I'm also trying to be more accepting that I just may need extra help.

Live - I wish I could look at it as pampering....I look at it as being lazy and a character failing. The cookie dough and wine was good, but I'm trying so hard to watch calories, it wasn't any fun!

Callie- thank you - it helps to know that others have felt it too....I will check out that thread when I'm done here.

Cessie - I wish it was going away during the week but it's not so much, it's more that I can just avoid it more when I'm busy. You're right though.....not having his addiction to focus on is making me look at me more and realizing there's still work to do. I'm sooo trying to find "me".

Outonalimb - I'd considered PTSD....damage was done and healing needs to happen for sure. Why is it that being gentle with myself is the hardest?

Sodetermined - thank you PS I like your new name.

Ann - Recovery is a constant thing...and I know I need to keep focused, thank you for the hug, I needed it

neecey - that survival mode stuff makes a lot of sense, I've only been working on recovery for myself for less than a year or so, so I guess it will take more time than I thought. Before this relationship I too was in an abusive one and I didn't give myself time to heal. Glad to hear you did, you are strong too.

......If I'm posting all weekend....please tell me to get my you know what dressed and out of the house.

:ghug2
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:40 PM
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aaaaw Truth. I had no idea this was going on.....

PTSD - for sure. It's all settling and it's like you have had the wind knocked out of you and now.............. WHAT? What's next? With you ... your rAH ... your relationship - but what it really is - is YOU!

You are AMAZING!!!! I'm proud of you for getting some plans on the books for the weekend coming up! The holidays are now also coming ... so there is something else you can throw yourself into!

You have come so far - and as an outsider looking in - I can truly say that and know it! It's just hard to see these things when we are right in it.

With all new jobs there is a learning curve... and you are about a third of the way there! Cut yourself some slack chicabeeeee!!!!

When my *x* and I went splitso - I was faced with just myself - (still am) - and it's f-ing brutal. So you are certainly not alone. Booking up my weekends was the remedy and still is.

Way to go with going to the gym! That is going to help a ton. Loving yourself - giving yourself love - getting your stresses out via exercising... writing... music - it's all so healing!

Your rAH may not need you like he used to - but he still does rely on much of your goodness, if not all of it. Now it's a healthy reliance! What's cool is now you can keep the focus on you without any interruption! You are a beautiful soul ... incredible mother, friend, daughter, aunt, sister, wife - CELEBRATE YOU!!!

I'm so glad you came here and shared - so much support from SR - ALWAYS!

Chicken Soup for the SOUL -
Fill water up in a pot - throw in about 4 FROZEN chicken breasts. Chop onion and saute' in butter while chicken is boiling. Set aside - and chop up some carrots and potatoes. Remove chicken and replace with onions, potatoes, and carrots. Add chicken bouillon, garlic powder, salt/pepper. Bring to boil while chopping up chicken. Put chicken back in pot and simmer for however long....... and THAT THERE is your chicken soup for your soul! yummmmmmmm When you serve it up- add some cheddar cheese and hot sauce to the bowl. Even more yummy!!!

Awww love - I'm listening the 'En Concert' - thinking of you! A little Jack Johnson will be good for your soul, too!

Much BIG BIG BIG love to you! Sending lots of healing vibes~!

xoxoxoxoxo
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:11 PM
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!

Originally Posted by itisatruth View Post

......If I'm posting all weekend....please tell me to get my you know what dressed and out of the house.

:ghug2

lol.

that made me laugh.... I work most of the weekend, so I can't make you get up and out, but YOU SHOULD!! HAVE FUN

p.s. when I post too much during the week, 'somethings' up with me

I feel your pain....
Love,
Cess.

Keep your chin up.
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by itisatruth View Post
One of my good friends said maybe it's that I had been living in a high state of stress for so long that now that my life is more calm, more normal that I am having trouble adjusting. Does that reasonable....has anyone felt that way? That the absence of "drama" is something that takes getting used to??

??
I get this, unfortunately! The absence of drama and chaos in my life? Then what do I do? I once had a therapist tell me that I didn't know how to survive without chaos in my life! That was years ago and I thought he was crazy, yet years later, I still live a life filled with chaos. Hmmmmmmmm?

I think when things calm down around us and our addicts are in recovery, we are no longer as focused on them and what they are doing. This is when we have to begin to look at our self. I think this is what is so difficult, actually looking at myself and working on my own demons!

Pass the cookie dough!
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:13 PM
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((((itisatruth))))
I'm sorry you feel like that and hope you'll get better. I guess you're in those "adjusting phases", and i believe we all go through those (unless there is never any changes in one's life, which in a way is worst isn't it?)
I got mine when i was in my first year of university,i was in the "what's next stage" and didn't know what to do or what i wanted to do. That's when i moved to HK and got better (ok bit extreme but it worked heh!)
Since then i didn't really have any serious anxiety yet it's been pretty chaotic. I've often wondered if, if Rain ever gets better and gets his life back, i would feel anxious about it. It's difficult to explain but, when you've been so "useful" for someone for so long, maybe it feels empty for a while when you're suddenly not so "useful". (ok it doesn't sound right but hope you understand what i mean). I'm sure it's just a transitional phase and it'll pass eventually.
Seeing a doctor can help if he can give you some herbal medicine to relax, or treat yourself for a massage and plan something nice ahead.
Take care
xx
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by wuzzled View Post
Pass the cookie dough!
OMG! I love the stuff!!

In order to not eat the whole tub I had to make the cookies and give them away! Now where's that popcorn?!

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Old 11-03-2009, 09:50 PM
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Treat yourself to a massage!!!!!!!! YESSS!!!!! luv it!!!!
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