I had a completely different experience with my boys. I left their Dad 5 years ago. I didn't know what the problem was, but I felt like if I didn't leave, I was going to die. Turns out he was/is an alcoholic and emotional abuser. The boys are now 16 and 20, so they were 11 and 15 when I left. For long and complicated reasons, but mostly because XAH didn't work the whole 17 years we were married, he got the house, furniture, everything. The kids didn't want to leave their home, and I wasn't going to force them, so they stayed full time with Dad. Broke my heart. They also blamed me for the divorce since I left. They were furious with me, blaming, lashing out, rarely seeing me.
After about 3 years of this, they started coming around. Now the 20 year old is in college out of state, but calls me regularly. The 16 year old comes to see me every day. I have great relationships with both.
I attribute the great relationships with my kids to leaving them alone. They were still young, but old enough to make some serious decisions. I didn't bash their father, although I did, as you all have, told them about his alcoholism and some of the basics about its effect on me. They didn't believe me at first. The 16 year old does entirely now, not sure about the 20 YO. I never force conversations on them. If I start something and they seem uncomfortable, I drop it. If we're on the phone and can't think of anything to say, I tell them Love you, bye. Essentially, I give them space and let them come to me. It's very hard sometimes, and takes a long time, but it's worth it in the long run.
All that is from my perspective, of course. Take anything that's useful, throw the rest away.
Hugs!
Tig