just.posted.but.have.another.question.about.my.kid s

Old 10-31-2009, 11:04 AM
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just.posted.but.have.another.question.about.my.kid s

I just posted a long post. This one has to do with communication with the kids.

For those of you who had teenagers with and AH or seperated from them I could use some suggestions.

Through the years I have been trying to get communication going with my kids. I would try and talk about this and that and always they would give me one word answers or call my annoying.

The last couple years I have talked with them about their dads alcoholism and explained to them it's a disease. I haven't said one bad word about him when he is sober. They can make that choice about how they feel themselves.

Before he left I told them, i have a 14 year old boy and girl - twins, what may happen and they said they didn't want him here while he was drinking because of the verbal abuse. There is definately less tension here now that he is gone but I feel that the kids and I should be talking more about anything. I know they are teenagers but why am I feeling that they are either angry at me or maybe I put them on the back burner when I was so caught up with my AH drinking. Now that he is gone I thought are relationship would be better. I'm feeling very guilty that i wasn't there for them.

I know they have a big adjustment that they need to accept. I know it's hard on them also. I don't have much money so I can't like take them and do alot of things. I did take them to see a house that a friend of mine decorated and they were laughing and smiling. since today is halloween they are going to go our with thier friends.

does anyone have any suggestions so i can have a better relationship with my kids after all this. we get along good and they do agree with what happened. I know they are teenagers but how can i make it easier for them and make it easier for me and them to get closer. I hope this makes sense.

Maybe i tell them too much about how i feel. the only things i really say are i'm having a bad day. or i'm sad, or today is going to be a lump on the couch day (which those days I feel guilty). . Should I let them know how I feel so that they know their feelings are justified. I try to ask them how they are feeling and they say ok. I feel very bad for them. It breaks my heart thinking that I let it go on for so long that I hope I haven't messed them up.

they both are great kids. my daughter is starting guitar lessons and she wants to go on the college at Berkley. My son is a straight a student basically without trying.

the communication thing is getting to me really bad.

I have noticed that since their dad left my son is talking to me normally. not with an attitude like his dad talked with me. I guess he was learning from his dad.

It's all so not black and white.

If anyone has any suggestions or how their kids reacted and what helped it would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry again for the long post and Happy Halloween.

denise
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Old 10-31-2009, 11:46 AM
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I'm in a different situaton to you, in that one of the kids who lives with me is my nephew, his dad was my A (my brother)

We have a pretty good relationship, we talk about his dad, the alcoholism, the pain, bad days and days when we feel like just curling up and doing nothing.

I've personaly found it better to wait for him to tell me how he feels, I find if I tell him I'm having a bad day he tends to tiptoe round me and keep very quiet. A bad day to him still means a completely different thing than it does to me sometimes, he thinks bad days are his Dads bad days in drink. My bad days are tiredness and sadness missing my bro, and the stress of sorting things out.

Teenagers aren't the best at in depth conversations at the best of times, let them know they can talk to me, be honest with them and let them come to me is what I've done with mine (I've got 3) I'm not saying that's the right thing for everyone, but it's working for us right now.
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Old 10-31-2009, 12:24 PM
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Teenagers aren't the best at in depth conversations at the best of times
Understatement of the year
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Old 10-31-2009, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Understatement of the year
It's like pulling teeth asking mine what they'd like for dinner.
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Old 10-31-2009, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by LucyA View Post
It's like pulling teeth asking mine what they'd like for dinner.
I just cook...she can eat, or not. Then again, she thinks I live to cook for her anyway and loves everything I make. LOL.
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:08 PM
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I read or heard about this some where, and have been meaning to start this with LMC. The Idea was to have "Family Meetings" on a weekly basis. You do it kind of formally with an "agenda" of sorts written down.

You know, important things going on or coming up, or just anything that needs to be addressed/discussed. Everybody gets to voice their opinion, and the kids get a sense of some control over what is going on in the home. Seemed like a great idea to me.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:22 PM
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We used to do that on a weekly basis Coyote, unfortunately it didn't suit us for long as Joe wasn't comfortable with it, he said it was too much like the social services meetings he'd had to attend with his dad. (I guess my work background contributed to that)
Now I just do my best to make sure all the kids know their opinions are valid and their problems are shared between all of us., if theres something major bothering one of them we all sit down together and work it out, but as the responsible adult I have the casting vote and the final say, but I always give a valid reason for my decisions.
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Old 10-31-2009, 04:04 PM
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It's like pulling teeth with the kids about dinner and wanting to do things. Most times they say no. I know it's their age. I am honest with them and always tell them to talk to me if needed. the weekly meetings sound good but i don't want them to think like it's a counciling meeting. tonight they are out with their friends trick or treating. they are out having fun. that's what counts.

i guess kids are more resiliant than i thought. I guess i'm just worrying too much about them. I worry about everything.

thanks for the laughs.
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Old 10-31-2009, 04:12 PM
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Maybe my experience (and mistakes) can help a bit. My husband announced mid-August that he was leaving.
My 24-year-old son lives in Philly (we live in the midwest) and felt guilty, that if he had been home, he might have been able to help (he couldn't have, but it's a normal reaction). He also worried about me, since Dad was supposed to take care of all of us and he isn't. He has seen a counselor in Philly and is doing much better, since he can see that I am doing much better.

Second son, 23, out of college, living at home while looking for a job. Became my AH's frat boy, always ready and available to go out drinking. Not good for my son....but he just got a job out of town and leaves Monday, so he's escaping!

Daughter, 20 won't speak to her dad. She told him earlier in the summer that if he left, she was done with him. She and I are very close, and I made the mistake of telling her too much, treating her as a friend. She has her own "daughter" issues to deal with and shouldn't have to hear about the "wife" side, so I share those things with adult women. AH continues to try to force contact with her. She is in counseling and is doing well learning how to set boundaries.

Youngest just left for college, AH has been trashing me to her for months. Instead of fighting back, I've decided to just continue to be Mom and trust her, trust God, trust that the truth will win out. So far so good.

Teenagers in general are not big talkers (with parents!) so maybe build your relationship on what's going on in their lives, and less about how you're feeling. They really are very selfish, right? And go to friends, SR, counselor for help dealing with your feelings. Also some other resources for mid-life divorcing women.

Good luck....sounds like you're a great Mom and your kids are old enough to see what's going on. Trust them, trust yourself. Just be there, which your AH is not. Let us hear how it's going.
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Old 10-31-2009, 05:06 PM
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I had a completely different experience with my boys. I left their Dad 5 years ago. I didn't know what the problem was, but I felt like if I didn't leave, I was going to die. Turns out he was/is an alcoholic and emotional abuser. The boys are now 16 and 20, so they were 11 and 15 when I left. For long and complicated reasons, but mostly because XAH didn't work the whole 17 years we were married, he got the house, furniture, everything. The kids didn't want to leave their home, and I wasn't going to force them, so they stayed full time with Dad. Broke my heart. They also blamed me for the divorce since I left. They were furious with me, blaming, lashing out, rarely seeing me.

After about 3 years of this, they started coming around. Now the 20 year old is in college out of state, but calls me regularly. The 16 year old comes to see me every day. I have great relationships with both.

I attribute the great relationships with my kids to leaving them alone. They were still young, but old enough to make some serious decisions. I didn't bash their father, although I did, as you all have, told them about his alcoholism and some of the basics about its effect on me. They didn't believe me at first. The 16 year old does entirely now, not sure about the 20 YO. I never force conversations on them. If I start something and they seem uncomfortable, I drop it. If we're on the phone and can't think of anything to say, I tell them Love you, bye. Essentially, I give them space and let them come to me. It's very hard sometimes, and takes a long time, but it's worth it in the long run.

All that is from my perspective, of course. Take anything that's useful, throw the rest away.

Hugs!
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:55 PM
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Thank you Tigger and New Chapter.

I think I'm going to stop pretty much telling them how I feel. I usually do leave them alone when conversations end and pretty much the same thing on the phone. I tell them I love them and bye. I don't pressure them to have conversations but I just wish they would talk some more. As was said, hopefully time will help.

Tigger - Your AH didn't work for 17 years? Mine worked off and on above the table for a few years then totally under the table since as long as I can remember. I guess I should be getting a lawyers advice as to what will happen if I get a divorce. I just may separated forever. I worked at the same company for 21 years and can retire with a monthly check in two years. I've paid for this house, the cars which are old now, everything. He pitches in when he works and just maybe a couple hundred dollars at that when he works. Now I'm concerned that since he hasn't worked above the table for years that the laws in massachusetts will give the house to him, etc. even though I paid for it and the contents. Mostly.

I really hate to say this but he isn't physically healthy either so being separated instead of divorced maybe a better answer in my situation. I'm not being selfish, but I worked hard all these years and there is no way that he is going to take my pension from me. He has to sign a paper before I can retire agreeing to which option I take. Whether I take one for him in case I die first or don't take an option and live off that. Since he is not physically healthy I don't see a reason to take an option. He already stated to me that he's going after the house and the pension. I just may not retire. I'll stay working at that company. Either way, if I retire, I'll only be 46, and I'll still have to work fulltime because the kids are going to college and I need to pay for that and being young and not working will drive my crazy.

I don't feel he should get the house or my pension or alimony as he really hasn't contributed much to this household. But, probably because of his not working he judge will see it as he was taking care of the kids and for me to pay him.

I know I'm rambling but now that you wrote that about your house went to your EXAH I'm starting to get a little worried here. I'd rather see it foreclosed then him get it. I can feel the anger starting to come on. I think that's a good thing.

As for the kids, I will give them their space and not force conversations unless they are receptive to it. I tell them all the time I am here for them to talk and I won't judge them in any way on what they tell me. I know they are typical teenagers that don't talk much just as I didn't talk much as a kid either.

Today they were laughing and having fun so I am happy about that. The laughter really makes me happy as I haven't really heard the laughter be sincere in a long time. I guess time will heal all wounds.

New Chapter - I think I do have to back off on my daughter and telling her my feelings. The other day me and my AH talked and I came home crying and went to her room and cryed on her shoulder. I felt bad after it. She is my daughter first and friend second. I have to remember that. I think they are still too young to be hearing about how their mom feels everyday. This I will work on. They don't need to hear about my feelings minute by minute about their dad. This week I shall work on just being their Mom.

Thank you for your replies. You gave me a lot to think about.

I am glad both of you have good relationships with your children and they are so precious.

Thanks so much for replying and have a good day/night? don't know which it is where you are. I'm just happy we get an extra hour of sleep tonight. I need it. I'm exhausted.
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Old 10-31-2009, 10:20 PM
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Very,

A good attorney should be able to tell you exactly what might happen in a divorce. I feel better knowing, rather than imagining, what the options are. I tend to imagine much worse than reality.

As for the kids - we tend to talk most while driving. I don't know if she feels more open, or it's the privacy or what, but that's just how it works out.
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Old 10-31-2009, 11:13 PM
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you are right about the driving part. we do talk a little more while driving. i think that what communication we have is just probably all I'll get at this moment which is okay. it'll get better in time. they are 14 of course and even in a "perfect" family there still would be communication problems.
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