Sandy, I know this may sound crazy, but I really don't know what caused me to drink. I can be determined not to drink today, then 30 seconds later hop in my jeep and go to the bar, totally forgetting my commitment not to drink today. It's insane, that's all I can tell ya. Just plain sick, twisted thinking. It's like I need to reprogram my mind, cause it's so unpredictable and yet predictable when it comes to drinking, I think the reason I drink, even when I don't want to, is that I'm just sick inside, if that makes any sense. When people talk of healing, I don't even know where to begin. I don't really know what needs healing inside me, maybe everything inside me is all screwed up? Seems logical, yet healing the unseen is hard to grasp for me. I'm a "hands on" kinda guy, so if I can't see it, it's hard for me to fix it. When I think of emotions, I think of cake mix in a bowl, just a glob of ****, that in the right hands can make an excellent cake, but in my hands, just gets spilled on the counter, oozes off onto the floor, then gets tracked around the house for a few days till the dog licks it up, lol. To say, "I don't know" may seem like a copout to some, but really I don't know what motivates me or anyone to do something that is harmful to oneself. It's an enigma to me.
I'm going on the one-hour plan today, just taking it an hour at a time and not drinking. It's worked for a couple hours now, and to be honest, I really don't want a drink today. It's when I feel good that I'm most at risk, but I feel like hell today, so maybe that's a good thing.
Thanks all.