Hi everyone!!! I haven't been on in a few weeks, been really busy and haven't had TOO much drama. lol I really would like anyone and everyone's opinions on something....if you are a man, woman, addict, alcoholic, sober, in recovery, spouse...ANYONE!!!!
A little background, my husband whom I have been married to for 17 years but separated for 6 months is an alcoholic/addict and has been sober today for 104 days!!!!! I am very proud of him!!! I feel like I am the one who has the problem now. I know it sounds crazy but I just CAN NOT MAKE myself fall in love with him. I have feelings for him, I mean, after all he is my highschool sweetheart (gone bad), the father of my 2 beautiful children, and the person that I cared for and took care of for years. When he needed something, I got it for him. I rode his roller coaster with him for years and even "dabbled" in some of the things he "used". I have been by his side thru it all!!!!
So, at this time, he has a good job and gives me money every week. He comes and visits at least once a week and we get intimate at times. He calls everyday and checks on me and the kids. I work double shifts on the weekend so he comes and gets the kids every weekend just about. He hasn't drank or used in 104 days. He gets on his knees and SWEARS that he is DONE with drugs and alcohol.
But, he has had a few blow ups in the last month....just PURE drama. I felt like it was because he is wanting what he wants and he's not getting it. He is not working a program. He is not going to meetings. He works, rolls cigarettes, and spends time with me and the kids.
NOW, here's me......I have been VERY depressed sever since he has popped back into my life which has only been this last month. When he started getting sober (this go around) I begged for his attention, I begged for his love, I begged for him to let me be there with him but I got NOTHING!!!!!! And yes, I am codependent (obviously lol). So I finally decided that I was DONE, DONE, DONE!!!!! Told him I wanted a divorce. And then WHAMMO!!!! He POPS back into my life!!! I am SO confused and mad and hurt and happy and sad. I'm just a mess!!! Why can I NOT love him? Why can I not open up and let him in? I don't want to hurt him and I feel like I need to take care of him. He wants me to love him soooo bad, and I do love him but I'm just not in love with him. I have an appointment next week with an alcohol/addiction experienced counselor. I'm hoping that she can help me see the light....whichever way it may be.