Cath, I do understand where you are coming from. I've stumbled through the last 20 years of my life, leaving a wake of destruction behind me. Over the last 5 years I've only been able to spend a few weeks with my son. I hate that. I thought killing myself was the best option. Fortunately, it didn't work out, and I saw that made things even worse than before.
However...I haven't given up. There are definately times I felt like it, but some little part of me kept going. It's the part of you that has you posting how you are feeling here. You need to latch on to that little piece like a lifeboat and hang on. It takes time for things to get better, just as it took time for us to mess them up. It rarely gets better as fast as we would like it to, but it does get better.
Less than a year ago I was working a crap job that I hated, spending the little money I made staying high and/or drunk all the time. I lived 1000 miles away from my son. I had declared bankruptcy, my wife had divorced me. Life pretty much sucked. About 5 months ago, I finally made the decision to not "try to quit" but to do it, at all costs. In that time, I've moved (I'm now only 100 miles away from my son, still not perfect, but I can now visit on weekends), I have a new job making twice what I made before (I could never pass a drug test before, so I stayed stuck in the same crappy job for 4 years), my depression is getting better (I see a theripist and psychitrist to help with this. I still have bad days, but they are getting fewer now that I'm clean) and overall things are looking up.
Pot is my DOC and I gotta tell you there are still many times I'd like to loose myself in a cloud of green smoke and drift away. I just love that feeling. But I look at what I've accomplished and I know that if I did take that hit, smoke that joint, that it would lead to a bag, then another when it was gone, then more and more. Then my job performance would start slipping and eventually I'd probably lose that job, because I've gotta be sharp for it. The money would dry up, my ex would know I was using again (she always does!!) and my time with my son would be restricted, and so on and so on.
I guess my point is, I know things feel bad right now, but drinking is not going to make them better. Yes, it would ease the pain for awhile, but you gotta sober up sometime and then you are just deeper in the hole than you were to start with. You've gotta take baby steps and be proud of yourself when you accomplish them, even if it's just something little.
I've often heard the comment in the "rooms" that "we'll love you until you can learn to love yourself". It's true. There is a lot of love in those rooms and there is a lot of love here. It's still a baby step thing though. To stop hating yourself, you have to give yourself a bit of a break. Wallowing and beating yourself up will get you nowhere. Trust me, I know, no one can possible beat me harder than I beat myself. All it gets you is more depressed. So give yourself a little break. Have some little successes. Learn to at least tolearate yourself, then work on likeing yourself a little.
I can honestly say, I have not reached the point where I "love myself", but I'm starting to at least like myself, and it feels really good. That's how I got to where I am. My life is far from perfect, but it sure is better than it used to be. I try to be satisfied with what I have today, and know if I stay on this course, things will only get better. Sure there will be issues, problems and roadblocks, but I now feel like these things can be overcome.
If it is at all possible, I would recommend seeing a theripist who has a background in addiction. They can help you sort through all of this. They can't do the work for you, but they can help guide you and provide support when you need it. Hang in there. You are worth it!!! Take care.