Failed
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Failed
Ever feel like the purpose of your life is basically to serve as a warning to others?
Addiction, codependency, abuse, loneliness...all of it will get you in the end. And sometimes you will even welcome it when it does.
Not much else to say. Not the time to feel sorry for myself, play the victim, or ask why. I know why. Because of my own bad choices and decision making and just being a really sick person. I have been given the opportunity to start over more times than I can count, and every time I have let my various addictions get in my way and let down family, friends and myself.
I appreciate everyone who has supported me, and I'm sorry for those who feel burned. I've burned so many people. It's what I've become. I'm selfish. Sure, I talk a good game, but never follow through.
I've given birth to 3 beautiful children who are still young and need to grow, not one of whom is with me now, and there's a good reason for that. Maybe drinking vodka at 10 in the morning has something to do with it. Maybe exposing them to an abusive environment with an AH who is just as sick as I am. Maybe all of the above and more. I guess it's good that I have the sense to know they shouldn't be with me, but it's not what I had planned on when bringing them into this world.
I know a lot of people struggle. Many are strong, smart, reach out for what is offered and survive and even give back. I've seen it lots of times, and it is beautiful to see. I hope that is the case for each and every one of you. There are some wonderful people here who have made it and who are closer to making it every day.
I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.
Addiction, codependency, abuse, loneliness...all of it will get you in the end. And sometimes you will even welcome it when it does.
Not much else to say. Not the time to feel sorry for myself, play the victim, or ask why. I know why. Because of my own bad choices and decision making and just being a really sick person. I have been given the opportunity to start over more times than I can count, and every time I have let my various addictions get in my way and let down family, friends and myself.
I appreciate everyone who has supported me, and I'm sorry for those who feel burned. I've burned so many people. It's what I've become. I'm selfish. Sure, I talk a good game, but never follow through.
I've given birth to 3 beautiful children who are still young and need to grow, not one of whom is with me now, and there's a good reason for that. Maybe drinking vodka at 10 in the morning has something to do with it. Maybe exposing them to an abusive environment with an AH who is just as sick as I am. Maybe all of the above and more. I guess it's good that I have the sense to know they shouldn't be with me, but it's not what I had planned on when bringing them into this world.
I know a lot of people struggle. Many are strong, smart, reach out for what is offered and survive and even give back. I've seen it lots of times, and it is beautiful to see. I hope that is the case for each and every one of you. There are some wonderful people here who have made it and who are closer to making it every day.
I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Cath, This site isn't for us, it's for you. We're here to help, and can't do that unless you let us know what's going on. You're not wasting our time, you're the reason we're here. Yeah, you've made some great mistakes in you life, but nothing that can't be corrected if you want to correct them. You see, you have to want it badly enough. If you do then good things will begin to happen. So stick around, please. And don't ever think that this has been easy for any of us. It hasn't. It's hard. But it's possible.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
You can spend a lot of energy martyring yourself, and keeping yourself stuck, or you can reach out, grab on to whatever might help and make it the last time.
I hope one day you choose to save yourself.
I hope one day you choose to save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
if it were easy there be no need for sr......aa.......treatment......on and on.
its not easy......and i feel for you.........i havent forgot how difficult the physical action of stopping drinking was........let alone staying stopped.
there is a world of support out there.......my experience is aa/12 step.
but there are plenty of other methods that members use here.....
god be with you and keep you safe....
its not easy......and i feel for you.........i havent forgot how difficult the physical action of stopping drinking was........let alone staying stopped.
there is a world of support out there.......my experience is aa/12 step.
but there are plenty of other methods that members use here.....
god be with you and keep you safe....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
hey Cath
our journeys are our journeys...there's no medals given out for 'quickest time to recovery' or anything like that...we have to learn certain things, and unlearn certain others, and some of us (me included) take a lot longer to do that
The important thing is to stay on the road - I know you want something better for yourself....so keep in the game....
don't let your despair lead you into giving up...because that makes it that much harder again to get back on the road...
stick around
D
our journeys are our journeys...there's no medals given out for 'quickest time to recovery' or anything like that...we have to learn certain things, and unlearn certain others, and some of us (me included) take a lot longer to do that
The important thing is to stay on the road - I know you want something better for yourself....so keep in the game....
don't let your despair lead you into giving up...because that makes it that much harder again to get back on the road...
stick around
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
keep listening cath,keep reading.we are all here for you.its not easy and some folk get it quicker than others.you do want it or else you wouldnt be posting,but you just need to want it that bit more.it is not easy,but it is do-able.i and many others are proof of this.keep coming here cath.you are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Van Nuys, CA
Posts: 12
Thank-you for sharing Cath. You mention people here "making it". Well, just "make it" for today. Let every thing else fall away and make it for today. I know you can do that. Take your "want" out of the picture for just today.
I wanted to go to the pub on Sunday 'cause I hadn't had a drink in six days, and that's an accomplishment, right? -Well, that's my will getting in the way as it has a way of doing, so I handed it over to God for yet another little day. Sure, it's a drop in the bucket but it helps break my cycle of reaching. I don't want to be a robot just reaching automatically. I've helped Heineken's stock price enough for one lifetime. I want to reprogram myself.
You are, as we all are, a unique expression of Divinity. We are all walking miracles with a specific purpose.
I'll shut up now. All the best to you.
Peace & Love,
Butterfly
I wanted to go to the pub on Sunday 'cause I hadn't had a drink in six days, and that's an accomplishment, right? -Well, that's my will getting in the way as it has a way of doing, so I handed it over to God for yet another little day. Sure, it's a drop in the bucket but it helps break my cycle of reaching. I don't want to be a robot just reaching automatically. I've helped Heineken's stock price enough for one lifetime. I want to reprogram myself.
You are, as we all are, a unique expression of Divinity. We are all walking miracles with a specific purpose.
I'll shut up now. All the best to you.
Peace & Love,
Butterfly
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traveling in Europe
Posts: 415
Butterfly is right. It is a slow process of breaking this cycle. Many don't. But all can. The fact that you are here still posting means you really want to recover deep down. Keep posting. Keep away from drinking for today. Keep everything as simple as you can. I can't imagine what you have gone through with your kids etc. But try to focus on you recovery first and foremost. Peace
Clayton
Clayton
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
See the bicycle?
well wadda waiting for kid? get back on it and start peddling
self pity and unhappiness is just one of the ways my alcoholism keeps me sick, keeps me stuck in that place, that make believe world where drinking is necessary, drinking is necessary because of self loathing, self loathing because of drinking, which leads to self pity and so on, it's a waste of time hon
please note the sig above this post, the one that says step 0
now look in the mirror, turn around....OK, see that thing behind you, it's called your @ss, get it to a meeting, stop thinking and get into action, your mind is not your friend, stop listening to it.
well wadda waiting for kid? get back on it and start peddling
self pity and unhappiness is just one of the ways my alcoholism keeps me sick, keeps me stuck in that place, that make believe world where drinking is necessary, drinking is necessary because of self loathing, self loathing because of drinking, which leads to self pity and so on, it's a waste of time hon
please note the sig above this post, the one that says step 0
now look in the mirror, turn around....OK, see that thing behind you, it's called your @ss, get it to a meeting, stop thinking and get into action, your mind is not your friend, stop listening to it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Don't ever give up. But remember. The sooner you quit, the sooner people will start forgiving you. It takes time and a lot of work.( the quality things in life do) But people will forgive you.
You can do it
You can do it
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: london, england
Posts: 184
cath.
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldnt control our emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldnt make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldnt seem to be of real help to other people. (bb, p52).
i was all of these things, then i took action, went to AA, got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, started to help others, took on a program of action and since i did these things my life has changed.
i am now, happy, useful to others, dont suffer from depression, work well for my living, i am not full of fear, and my emotional nature is under control.
i got all this from action, (not thinking).
try it for 90 days and if it dont work, you can have your misery refunded in full !!.
peace and fellowship to you
god bless.
We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldnt control our emotional natures, we were prey to misery and depression, we couldnt make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldnt seem to be of real help to other people. (bb, p52).
i was all of these things, then i took action, went to AA, got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, started to help others, took on a program of action and since i did these things my life has changed.
i am now, happy, useful to others, dont suffer from depression, work well for my living, i am not full of fear, and my emotional nature is under control.
i got all this from action, (not thinking).
try it for 90 days and if it dont work, you can have your misery refunded in full !!.
peace and fellowship to you
god bless.
Absolute Evil
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Cath1029 
I have always loved being here. It just gets harder to justify my own behavior and complain about the same things over and over, waste people's time and then not even listen to the powerful words shared with me. This place has helped a lot of people, and I know that will continue for a long time. I have a lot of love for you guys.
It is here for you to fail, try again, fail, try again, until you succeed.
An analogy to think of can be a pop singer. Most pop singers go through a horrible time when starting out. They are booed off stage, denied recording contracts, and play dirty bars.
Then, one day it all changes and they are a household name.
If you keep trying you will eventually succeed. If you quit, you never will.
Think of those kids. Aren't they worth fighting for?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
