My AH has been thru several rehabs/detoxes. The last time he went (Feb/March of this year), he knew that was the last time I was going to go through this. When I found out he was using again at the beginning of the year, I simply told him to get out. I told him I didn't care where he went or what he did, he had to get out. Kids are great leverage too (they deserve better, etc.).
He left and of course was really PO'd. A couple of days went by and nobody had seen or heard from him. I drove through a local treatment center on the off chance that he was there and low and behold, not only was he there....he was standing outside smoking a cigarette and let me tell you...he was NOT happy to see me.
He finally called me, I think it was the next day, and he was crying about all the awful things he said to me as he walked out the door and later that day when I called to ask him if he was gone yet. Eventually I went to family meetings and we talked with his counselor and I made it very clear at that point that I was disgusted, angry and would NOT do this again. That particular time, he stayed 21 days instead of 3-5 which showed me effort and that he was taking responsibility for his addiction so I let him come back.
When he came back, the first thing he did was tell me he wanted to renew our vows. I was smart for once and told him I wanted to wait to see how he was going to do this time.
My husband didn't officially relapse on illegal drugs when I asked him to leave again in July. He has all the behaviors. He was going to meetings and had a sponsor but his prescription drugs had him so heavily sedated that he might as well have been using and he was unwilling to speak to his doctors about the fact that he was over-medicated. When he was upright, he was getting snippy and his moods would swing so we would all walk on eggshells.
Here's my thing - I don't mind being a single parent if I'm a single parent but when there is another parent under the same roof and I still feel like a single parent, I might as well be.
He relapsed on crack and alchohol immediately. I felt guilty for a while. Now I know that he didnt' have to go buy crack or hit the liquer store. He made that choice and he knew what the consequences were. I was very clear and since I'm in a program, he knows I have the support in place to follow-thru with allowing him to reach his bottom all by himself this time. Before, I was always deciding when he had had enough. This time, it's up to him. This time he's living on the street and in a shelter. This time, I'm not sending him money or buying his cigarettes or paying his cell phone bill. This time I'm not letting him near our daughter and have a court order in place. This time is different (thank you God, SR and CR)! It's not easy.
I just had to decide that it was time to take care of me and the children. I had to decide how much damage I was willing to do to them and myself.