trying (and failing) to focus on myself
This is the first time that I post something, but I thank this board every day for helping me find my sanity and my HP after my AH relapsed over the summer. Thanks to the posts and readings in this forum, I found my way to Al-Anon and my life has changed in many wonderful ways.
But today I feel like I am right back where I started. After almost 60 days clean, AH relapsed again into heroin. I handled it really well: I kept the focus on myself, kept going to meetings, talked to my sponsor, and more than anything avoided confronting him. I tried to speak to him, openly and lovingly, when he seemed up to it, but more than anything I practiced detachment and surrendered my will. Two or three weeks into his addiction he finally got honest and asked for help, and went to rehab. After about a week there he got out last Tuesday and finally decided to go on suboxone maintenance because his doctor and CADC counselor suggested it.
I have been going crazy since he got out of detox. It's as if my program flew out the window when he came home: I am irritable, angry, scared. I've caught him lying to me a couple of times and that has made things worse because it only reinforces the fact that my trust in him is completely gone. I haven't caught him using but his behavior is consistent with it, but as much as I am trying to focus on myself I keep slipping. Last night I told him he couldn't come to bed after he fell asleep on the toilet for two hours. But I didn't detach with love --I was angry and trying to punish him. All I can think about is this voice in the back of my head saying "leave, leave, leave." I am so exhausted, we have a young baby, I'm trying to finish my degree and all I want is my serenity back, but it seems like the more time i spend with him the worse i get.
I am trying so hard to turn my will over but I am just having such a hard time. And i have this feeling he is using and even though feelings aren't facts, this program has taught me to have the self-respect to trust my instincts because they have not failed me in the past.
I need any support and advice that i can get. I am so scared, sad, and tired.