trying (and failing) to focus on myself

Old 10-20-2009, 09:17 AM
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trying (and failing) to focus on myself

This is the first time that I post something, but I thank this board every day for helping me find my sanity and my HP after my AH relapsed over the summer. Thanks to the posts and readings in this forum, I found my way to Al-Anon and my life has changed in many wonderful ways.
But today I feel like I am right back where I started. After almost 60 days clean, AH relapsed again into heroin. I handled it really well: I kept the focus on myself, kept going to meetings, talked to my sponsor, and more than anything avoided confronting him. I tried to speak to him, openly and lovingly, when he seemed up to it, but more than anything I practiced detachment and surrendered my will. Two or three weeks into his addiction he finally got honest and asked for help, and went to rehab. After about a week there he got out last Tuesday and finally decided to go on suboxone maintenance because his doctor and CADC counselor suggested it.
I have been going crazy since he got out of detox. It's as if my program flew out the window when he came home: I am irritable, angry, scared. I've caught him lying to me a couple of times and that has made things worse because it only reinforces the fact that my trust in him is completely gone. I haven't caught him using but his behavior is consistent with it, but as much as I am trying to focus on myself I keep slipping. Last night I told him he couldn't come to bed after he fell asleep on the toilet for two hours. But I didn't detach with love --I was angry and trying to punish him. All I can think about is this voice in the back of my head saying "leave, leave, leave." I am so exhausted, we have a young baby, I'm trying to finish my degree and all I want is my serenity back, but it seems like the more time i spend with him the worse i get.
I am trying so hard to turn my will over but I am just having such a hard time. And i have this feeling he is using and even though feelings aren't facts, this program has taught me to have the self-respect to trust my instincts because they have not failed me in the past.
I need any support and advice that i can get. I am so scared, sad, and tired.
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Old 10-20-2009, 10:19 AM
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Mireya,

Sending hugs and prayers your way! I spent may years being scared, angry, sad, and tired and failing at focusing on anything besides my daughters behaviour and the chaos it created and my heart goes out to you. Trust in yourself and don't give up!
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Old 10-20-2009, 03:13 PM
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I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I am in the same place. I've been going through this with my AH for six years now and he relapsed again over the summer after a year clean. It's been ongoing since then, including the day our second son was born and lots of days since.

Last week I had to ask him to leave for a few days and I felt great while he was gone. Well, not GREAT but I had some serenity. He came back and within 20 minutes I felt horrible again, all my serenity was gone and my instincts also say he's still using (so do his stupid eyes).

I'm in counseling trying to get the strength to ask him to leave once and for all. I have two kids with him but what mostly hold me back is the fear of being apart from him.

I don't have any real advice except for keep doing the things that helped you feel better while he was gone. Ie, calling your sponsor or going to meetings.

Hope you are feeling better soon!
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Old 10-20-2009, 04:27 PM
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We all have good and bad days (and weeks and... ), so don't be too hard on yourself (be gentle on yourself, right???!). Just try to do better tomorrow. You are taking so many good and important steps, just keep on.
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