stillhavingahardtime
I can't post unless its one word lol
Hi All,
I'm at work but having a hard time concentrating. My AH left of Thursday. He went to work then called me in the afternoon asking if he could stay here the night cuz he had no where else to go. I said no.
He made a promise to my son that he would stop drinking. I reminded him of that on wednesday and he started yelling at me and he proceeded to drink. He told me he only came home because he had no where else to go. so on thursday when he called to see if he could stay on thursday i said no because he already stated to me that he only came home the night before cuz he had no where else to stay.
My AH is a very vebally abusive drunk. He blames it all on me. When he came to get his clothes he blamed me for his 20 years of drinking. Which I absoluletly know that's not true.
Right now I am having a lot of guilty feelings and I am worried about him. I just spoke with a friend of ours and he said he talked with my AH and my AH said I through him out. He made the choice of getting sober and staying in the house or keeping drinking and leave. He chose to drink. So did I actually throw him out or did he leave. Of course he is going to put the blame on me. My friends that I have spoken to have seen how he gets when he drinks so I know I'm not making this up.
I did call him this morning which I vowed I would not. I had a moment of weakness. I left a message saying that we needed to talk and that I do love him and am worried about him. I'm not sure he'll get the message cuz I have the charger for his cell phone and I know it was almost dying. I'm feeling guilty about his phone being dead. How sick is that?
I have two 14 years olds that do seem happier within the last couple days. I didn't realize they would bounce back so quick where I just want to stay in bed and pull the blankets over my head. I even heard laughter from my son. It made me smile.
It also broke my heart yesterday when my son called me up from where he stayed overnight and asked me to come get him before his dad got there to watch football. he didn't even want to see his dad. that's very sad to me. The kids are the most important and their happiness is #1.
Why do I feel so bad? I feel like I should be angry, but instead I want to beg him to come back. I've come to realize that I'm sick as he is. Maybe I hit my bottom and that's why he's not at the house anymore.
Are my emotions and feelings normal for right now? I have a heart and don't want him to hurt himself or someone else. He is sick. Severe emphysema, lupus, RA. He still smokes butts and pot. I feel like I'm watching him slowly die.
I'm so confused. We've been together for 20 years and two 14 year olds. I just couldn't handle the chaos anymore. I don't think I'm wrong in doing giving him the choice and I think I knew deep in my heart I knew what his choice would be. He was sober from January till August and says during that time he was sober things didn't change between us. He wasn't working any program so basically he was a dry drunk and basically I didn't trust him.
Thanks for listening. XO