A counselor can help you sort those feelings out, Jehnifer, and I think it might save your life to make that investment. A personal counselor, not a marriage counselor. I know you had a few sessions but something longer term might really uncover some good things.
Only you know those answers. And you DO know them, they're just buried under layers of doubt and guilt.
And only someone trained in this can help you sort them out from the tangle of emotions in your head right now.