What's Important to You?

Old 10-14-2009, 07:19 AM
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What's Important to You?

Still doing the work...Marriage counseling, reading the books the therapist recommended, and planning to have some discussion with my husband this weekend. But I need some insight from you all. If this question has already been posed here before just post the link and I will read the responses.

I know my husband has identified the things he wants or expects from me in the relatinoship. And he has communicated these to me. But I don't really have much of anything in mind about what "I" want in return. He has mentioned this in the therpay - that he doesn't know. And after reading some stuff last night I find myself this morning really trying to understand myself, my needs and wants in the relationship. Is it that I really dont know what a relationship is? Only when I understand things better internally can I then express them communicate them to my husband. But I am careful not to create expectations.

But the truth of the matter is...I don't expect much from anybody. I don't ask people for much and I don't look to them for things. Call me self-sufficient! The only thing I can think of at this time that I would "like" from my husband is that he treat me nicely - that is, don't criticize (me or my kids) or get angry at me or turn against me. I would also "like" for him to be happy, that he find ways to rise above a bad mood and have a better outlook on life. But the treating me nicely thing is probably the only important thing to me right now.

A friend told me yesterday that I have set my bar way too low. That I deserve better. That in a relationship - or a marriage - there should be more. More than just don't reject me. Honestly, I am really hard pressed for what that would mean. And don't know how to go about identifying what those things should be. I know what I like to do for others I care about: thoughtful gestures, listening about thier lives, being there to encourage and support. Just "being there" in my heart is the best gift I can give others.

So my question is: in your marriage or relationships...what things make you feel loved, fulfilled and content with the relationship? thank you.
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:35 AM
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Ugh, this post reminds me of myself. I am like you - very independent, self-sufficient and don't really accept help from people, I feel guilty if they help me or do something nice for me like I owe them something (how co-d, trying to work on that).

But recently, I have thought about this question too and in addition to just being treated well - a big one for me is reliability and trust. That I know if I need the person they will be there, whether emotionally or physically. That if I am crying or upset over something, they will comfort me as long as I need. Another big one for me is a person who takes initiative for household items, such as noticing X needs to be done and doing it without me saying anything. My final big one is financial responsibility, self-explanatory. Those are my big ones (missing in my life for so long with ABF) Its so upsetting to think that I have been living without those basic things for so long, embarassing really. Ugh, ugh, ugh! Anyway, hope it helped!
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:40 AM
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Trust is huge for me. Marriage is hard enough without one side holding back and making it worse by lying. If I trust my spouse I am able to forgive and move forward. If I don't trust her I feel like she is fighting against me and I am less inclined to help or want to help.

After her affiar I accepted her back and said the one thing I needed was complete honesty. She could not do that and now we are heading towards divorce. I laid it down what I wanted/needed, it was up to her to hold up that end of the bargain.
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:47 AM
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I have no idea. I'm much the same way. I really have no idea what I want. I have a hard time even articulating what is wrong. My soon to be ex is very frustrated by it, understandably, especially when his list was/is very simple. "Tell me what you want and sex all the time. " End of his list.

I know I need counseling of my own. I need to find a therapist. Do you see one on your own?

I'll be watching this thread - thanks for posting it.

ETA: I think one thing might be that some of the things I want are feelings. Trust, security, feeling loved and protected. How does a person create those feelings in me? I don't know - all the small things that happen over the years. I'm not sure they can be created by the same person that stomped on them for years, or maybe I just won't let them? Maybe I wouldn't let anyone? They are feelings I give away to people and right now, I don't particularly want to.
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Old 10-14-2009, 07:54 AM
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Thumbs up omigoodness - thanks for posting this.

Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
His list was/is very simple. "Tell me what you want and sex all the time. " End of his list.
Wow. It's as if you were quoting my husband. You put in words what I have not been able to. Thanks. It helped very much to read this.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:29 AM
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Jehnifer, I had a similar problem, and one thing I had to look carefully at was my fantasy life.

I could not stand there and tell anyone what I wanted, but I knew the jealousy I'd feel when:
--Someone talked about how happy they were with their husband/wife, and why
--I saw a movie where a couple was really great with each other, really strongly bonded
--I read novels where a man said to a woman the things I wished someone would say to me, or where they did things together that I just knew I could never hope for
--I hung out with friends and saw the kinds of things another couple would do for one another

My jealousy, in a sense, became my map. I couldn't articulate it for myself, but I could see it clearly in other people.

And I had to tune in to the small voice inside me that would jump in and criticize me if I ever wanted anything for myself. That voice is horrible...and so hard to hear, but it's there. As soon as I see one of my jealousy triggers above and think, "Wish I had that," it would jump in right away, almost like a kneejerk reaction, to slap my hand, tell me I expected too much, tell me I was daydreaming. That was the voice of my father, I now know, but that's another story.

And one thing I discovered through counseling too: Although I would never admit it, I was looking to my relationship to be my sole source of happiness. If asked to make a list of 20 things I loved to do, for me, with or without anyone else around, I couldn't do it. How could I know what I wanted out of marriage when I didn't even know what I wanted out of life? Marriage to me now is part of a larger plan for my life here, full of things I want to do and be over the course of these few decades of life I've been granted.

I found the books of Barbara Sher were really helpful in figuring out what I wanted out of life, also Jennifer James' book "Women and the Blues" has a lot of material on the things we crave and how to discover and honor them.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:44 AM
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I've been thinking about this a lot, as I consider reasons why my marriage is over for me and whether or not I should *ever* consider letting J move back home.

Aside from the obvious things - mutual attraction/chemistry, financially & mentally stable, self-confident and positive - there are things I would like for any potential partner to bring to a relationship that are important:

1) have their own friends and like to do things with them - not be dependent on me for their social relationships
2) have a sense of humor, be able to laugh at himself and others in a kind way
3) respect my boundaries and appreciate my quirks
4) be forgiving
5) do what you say you will do, be there when you say you will be there, communicate quickly and clearly when there is a problem
6) be honest about things, both positive and negative, but when communicating about something that is a difficulty, use gentleness and respect
7) no yelling or other emotionally abusive behaviors - hitting things, stomping around.
8) be willing to admit when you are wrong and be ready to forgive me when I am wrong

I know I'd rather be with someone who is happy more than they are sad, who is materially responsible, who shares my politics and who likes a rural lifestyle. I just don't know if that person exists AND IF THEY DID....why would they ever want to be with ME? I'm a mess!
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:45 AM
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I know the feeling of envy when I see other couples...how they work together...seem secure... laugh together... have each others' backs. I know the feeling of not expecting I could have that or deserve it...for whatever reason. Primarily due to self imposed thinking that I am not a good enough or strong or confident enough person for that. I have chosen partners and relationships on that basis rather than on the basis that I deserve something very special.
  • I want to feel secure and protected - that someone is there to take care of me
  • (even though I may not be entierly ready to let them)
  • I want someone who will be genuinely interested in how I am doing
  • I want someone who will see a need and do things
  • and thoughtful gestures that say I was thinking about YOU not me
  • I want to be loved unconditionally
  • I want some one to share in my joys - to be supportive of the things that make me happy

Well thats a good start anyway. Its very good advice to not hang my happiness and sense of wellbeign ALL on my relationship - to be able to enjoy life independently.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE RESPONSES - YOU HAVE REALLY HELPED ME


.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:53 AM
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Jehnifer, thank you for this thread. This is something I have been thinking about for the first time in my 51 years. Better late than never, I guess!

I do know I want to feel safe. I'm ok with being self-sufficient, but I want to know that if I fall down, someone is there to pick me up. Now I realize that I want to also have a close, warm relationship with my AH. Otherwise, I might as well be alone.

I believe my low expectations are a by-product of growing up in an alcoholic home. I accepted emotional distance as being ok, because that was how I survived as a kid.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:55 AM
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jehnifer - how do you treat other people? That's usually, for me, a good way to begin thinking about this.

I'm a good listener.
I respect others.
I enjoy learning about people and their lives, it's so interesting.

All three of those things are things I would like in a relationship.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:06 AM
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You should try filling out this questionnaire.
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Old 10-14-2009, 04:57 PM
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Honesty and admitting our wrongs when we haven't been.
Being able to self reflect.
Being autonomous.
Respecting our differences.
Being able to communicate all of the above without yelling.
Agreeing to disagree.
Being responsible.
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Old 10-14-2009, 06:13 PM
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I want somebody who knows, most of the time, that s/he is good enough for God.

I want somebody who shows up for life -- the good things, the bad things, the big things, the little things, the once-n-a-lifetime things and the boring, repetitious everyday things.

I want somebody for who considers the opportunity to show up for life to be a joy and an adventure and a blessing.

I want somebody who is 100% committed to hir own healing journey and spiritual growth.

I want somebody who is willing and able to do the deep emotional, psychological and spiritual work implied by that and who is willing and able to share about and/or work through that openly and honestly with me and to let me share the same way with hir.

I also want somebody who understands the importance of having this kind of emotional support and intimacy from people other than me only....i.e. somebody who truly knows (or is clearly committed to learning) how to be in, to nurture and to maintain relationship with hir partner and with hir friends and with hir family (if appropriate), even when it's tough.

I want somebody who is willing to risk the intimacy of praying together.

Sex all the time would also be wonderful......but if sex all the time is the only thing on hir relationship ideals list, then that's probably a really good sign that s/he's scared sh*tless of and incapable of intimacy on other levels....and, in that case, sex all the time is a series of one night stands with the same person, not an intimate partnership, IMHO.

freya

Last edited by freya; 10-14-2009 at 06:29 PM.
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:10 PM
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communication
accceptance
friendship
validation
respect
contentment
intimacy - on all levels: physical, emotional, & spiritual
and, lastly, the cornerstone of the programs that brought us here - unconditional love (St. Francis knew it well)
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:28 PM
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I spent so many years trying to get HIM to do what I wanted, I lost sight of what I wanted. If you would have asked me in the last years of my marriage what I wanted, I would have been dumbfounded. All I wanted was for him to do what I wanted. I couldn't have even told you what my favorite color or food was without considering what his choice might be. I literally lost myself.

I don't think I could have honestly considered what I wanted from a relationship at that point. All I wanted was for him to do the right thing, according to me.

Having been away from that and growing for almost 4 years, I have to say that what I want is to find my calling. I'm exploring what matters to me and discovering slowly that I have something unique and special to contribute to society and humanity. This is what has been missing all these years. It's the 'hole in my soul' I was trying to fill with a partner.

Having learned that, I would honestly say that what I want from a relationship is
1) someone who shares these ideas and is searching for their own calling
2) someone who is capable of supporting and enhancing that quest in me, even if it doesn't benefit them
3) someone who is unafraid to pursue their own calling, even if it means we part ways
4) someone who can communicate with me about all the above

I believe we need relationships in our lives because we are social creatures. I do not believe that we should sacrifice our soul's desires in order to have a relationship. It should be the other way around.

L
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Old 10-15-2009, 07:28 AM
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Wow. I really appreciate the thoughtful responses... I am creating a master list... of my desires by pooling these great concepts mentioned - they are all so good! ...not expectations, for that can get us in trouble, but of things I would like and most importantly deserve.

The challenge for me is in communication of these types of things to my spouse. Will formulate my ideas and then broach the subject in the next therapy session. If I put it in the terms of: "I want to feel... loved unconditionally, supported in my endeavors, trust that other person, feel free to share my thoughts and feelings...then it should not come across as criticism.

This will be a first for me to migrate toward sharing what I need, rather than burying it over with concerns about him and whther or not he's happy in his life or getting what he wants from me. Thinking about it in these terms gives me a sense of empowerment...not control...but valid standards that a human of equal value and importance can seek to find.

Then once communicated I must simply turn the attention toward myself and my journey and seek fulfillment - with God by my side. ...and time will tell...
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:06 AM
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PLEASE READ THIS: I had another thought just now while in the bathroom that I need to confess to you guys about... Maybe I am looking for reasons to be able to claim "this isnt working and I want out" Rather then focusing on the good thinigs about our relationship, and building on those, I am wondering if I have sort of made up my mind that I want out and am now trying to justify it? This really scares me...its such a weak way to go about things, and most impotantly I am really unsure of myself...that things at home can feel uncomfortable making me want to get out...is that a cop out? Do I do that in every relationship? Or is there real incompatability and unhappiness? Have I decided inmy mind that I just dont want to be with this type of person who is capable of the things hes done.

Gee, I wish I knew the answer to that. It scares me. Leaves me feeling like a bad person and a selfish person. Do I love him enough to want to stay and work on things or am I only spending my energy struggling with really wanting to get out but am insecure about doing it. And am I destined to do this in every relationship I get into when things dont feel good? What I really dont know yet is - not perfectly clear about is - DO i have justifiable reasons for not likign my marriage? Are there real deal breakers that have already happened? Or is it that I am not really very good in relationships in general and am just... well i hope you get the idea.

does this make any sense?
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:15 AM
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It makes perfect sense to me jehnifer. I struggle with the same things. I have said I want out but now that he is sober (and only for one piddly week) I am back to feeling incredibly selfish and guilty for not trying to make it work, or just very afraid that I am making the wrong decision for everyone. Other times I am just angry - I do think that we have both been through enough to call it quits if we want to - no matter how perfect our husbands are from today forward.

:agh: To complicated.
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:19 AM
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We second guess our feelings, our decisions, our emotions. We second guess our second guesses.

My advice to you: Seek out a good therapist, who will help you untangle all this in your mind and see clearly what you need to do for you.
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Old 10-15-2009, 08:43 AM
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A counselor can help you sort those feelings out, Jehnifer, and I think it might save your life to make that investment. A personal counselor, not a marriage counselor. I know you had a few sessions but something longer term might really uncover some good things.

Only you know those answers. And you DO know them, they're just buried under layers of doubt and guilt.

And only someone trained in this can help you sort them out from the tangle of emotions in your head right now.
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