JustAYak

I was thinking about the children's various roles they play within a family, the hero, scapegoat, etc and I was wondering if one was better to be than the other? Do you think being the "hero" child or the "mascot" child is healthier than being the "scapegoat" or "lost" child? In some ways I do, I guess. One works well which is a valuble skill to have and the other can still see the good in life, as opposed to the scapegoat who acts out and gets in trouble constantly or the lost child who's an introvert and doesn't learn any social skills... Just curious to see what you guys think.

Here's the roles:

The Hero Saves the Day
There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.

Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around him. He means well, but often his efforts meet with resentment and his own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.

The Scapegoat Takes the Blame
The dysfunctional family is in denial--no one wants to admit that drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems. One member of the family accepts the role of responsibility for everyone's feelings of frustration. Parents and other siblings, and perhaps the scapegoat himself, believe that "if only" this child would stop getting into trouble, try harder, be more responsible, quit irritating everyone else, that everything would be perfect. Much energy goes into futile attempts to make the scapegoat behave or to putting out the fires that occur because the scapegoat acts out. And no one has to look at the real problem, the elephant in the living room, alcoholism.

The Mascot Entertains
Keep 'em laughing. It often seems as if one child is born with an overactive sense of humor. A funnybone is a good thing, unless it is used to cover up and distract from serious feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. Children in the mascot role channel much of the family insanity into a carefree attitude which helps them survive when things are anything but carefree. The family clown is no doubt crying on the inside.

The Lost Child Fades Away
Most often surrounded by older and younger siblings, the lost or "quiet" child has trouble defining a role of his or her own. The quiet child's needs are ignored, lost in the hubbub of family dysfunction. No one notices she isn't complaining, not participating, and seems withdrawn and even depressed. The lost child's strategy is to not make waves, to keep quiet and hope she can control the outcome of fear-filled situations by becoming invisible. Believing the way to survive is to stay below the radar, the quiet child grows up lacking social skills and missing out on intimacy.