Child Role Question/Curiosity

Old 10-15-2009, 04:23 AM
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Child Role Question/Curiosity

I was thinking about the children's various roles they play within a family, the hero, scapegoat, etc and I was wondering if one was better to be than the other? Do you think being the "hero" child or the "mascot" child is healthier than being the "scapegoat" or "lost" child? In some ways I do, I guess. One works well which is a valuble skill to have and the other can still see the good in life, as opposed to the scapegoat who acts out and gets in trouble constantly or the lost child who's an introvert and doesn't learn any social skills... Just curious to see what you guys think.

Here's the roles:

The Hero Saves the Day
There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.

Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around him. He means well, but often his efforts meet with resentment and his own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.

The Scapegoat Takes the Blame
The dysfunctional family is in denial--no one wants to admit that drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems. One member of the family accepts the role of responsibility for everyone's feelings of frustration. Parents and other siblings, and perhaps the scapegoat himself, believe that "if only" this child would stop getting into trouble, try harder, be more responsible, quit irritating everyone else, that everything would be perfect. Much energy goes into futile attempts to make the scapegoat behave or to putting out the fires that occur because the scapegoat acts out. And no one has to look at the real problem, the elephant in the living room, alcoholism.

The Mascot Entertains
Keep 'em laughing. It often seems as if one child is born with an overactive sense of humor. A funnybone is a good thing, unless it is used to cover up and distract from serious feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. Children in the mascot role channel much of the family insanity into a carefree attitude which helps them survive when things are anything but carefree. The family clown is no doubt crying on the inside.

The Lost Child Fades Away
Most often surrounded by older and younger siblings, the lost or "quiet" child has trouble defining a role of his or her own. The quiet child's needs are ignored, lost in the hubbub of family dysfunction. No one notices she isn't complaining, not participating, and seems withdrawn and even depressed. The lost child's strategy is to not make waves, to keep quiet and hope she can control the outcome of fear-filled situations by becoming invisible. Believing the way to survive is to stay below the radar, the quiet child grows up lacking social skills and missing out on intimacy.
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:50 AM
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I think they are all difficult roles. I was, and still am, the scapegoat in my family. I've worked very hard at not taking it personally anymore.

My brother is a combination of the hero and the mascot. He has put himself in a pressure cooker for years as an over-achiever, and had his first heart attack at age 40. He hasn't slowed down yet.
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Old 10-15-2009, 09:22 AM
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all the roles you describe seem to have some sort of responsiblity to the parents and all sound disfunctional to me. kids should be kids until they are adults and then they should just be taking care of themselves. i think a healthy family is one where kids can just be themselves without these kinds of burdens.
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Old 10-15-2009, 10:08 AM
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I don't think any of them are better than the other in the long run. I wanted to say Mascot, but I have a friend who played that role to the point of doing stand up comedy for quite a while. When he couldn't keep the mask on any longer, he turned to Xanax around the age of 50. He has 5 years of sobriety now and cracks jokes a lot less than he used to. He's almost like a completely different person and I'm enjoying getting to know him again
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Old 10-15-2009, 10:14 AM
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These roles are simply used by psychologists and those in the mental health field (myself included) to identify a person's role in the family and to give their struggles some classification, however, each role presents with it's own issues. Just because you may the "Hero" doesn't mean you are the child that will more than likely succeed and vice versa. These roles are only meant to define the family system. I try to stay away from these when working with families and give the families a sense that every one has the same role and to encourage parents not to classify their children.
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Old 10-15-2009, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING View Post
I try to stay away from these when working with families...
I'm glad to hear that. I come from a dysfunctional family and I don't fit any of those roles. I briefly tried on each of them but they never felt right and I went my own way.

On the other hand, my daughter willingly played and was assigned the scapegoat role. At first we believed if she'd just get it together, we'd all be much happier. Now we all know better.
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:09 PM
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To me, I super-easily fit the "lost" child role, but I was just curious to know if any roles were more or less, a better position to be in or not. I mean, they all suck, but I feel like being a "hero" would leave you better prepared for your own, independent life. They certainly all have huge flaws though, no doubt about it..

Thanks for the input.
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Old 10-15-2009, 12:29 PM
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When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ~The Bible
You are free now, to be the hero if you want to be. Your future is in your hands.

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. ~Budha
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Old 10-15-2009, 02:00 PM
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Many families are highly dyfunctional and alcoholism/addiction are not issues.

Most families are functional within their own dysfunction. Make any sense?

Generalizing seems to brushstroke the impact of an individual, in any group.
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Old 10-15-2009, 02:31 PM
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I'm from a family of 6 children and identify each of these roles for each of us 6. Of course, everyone is responsible for growing up after a certain point but the roles you play in childhood transfer to who you become as an adult. There are just some things about me that I have accepted I will never be able to change.

The Hero Saves the Day-This is my older brother. He eventually stopped trying to save the day but has not spoken to my father, the alcoholic in our family, for at least 10 years. He carries a lot of anger, self-righteousness, etc around with him. He has pretty much almost completely disengaged from our entire family, including the dysfunctional and the functional. I think he's going to have a lot of regret and pain when my Dad dies.

The Scapegoat Takes the Blame-This is the third child in my family. First, I want to say that this statement is untrue: "the drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems." This is simply not true. There are many problems in this world that have nothing to do with addiction and alcohol. Anyway, I think it was less that my brother took on this role and more that he was more susceptible and less able to deal with the stress, (perhaps the "weakest") and therefore i think the alcoholic ASSIGNED him as the scapegoat. Alcoholics have many scapegoats, including people and things.

I think this is also my youngest brother. I think because he was the baby, he also got assigned as a scapegoat. He also was weaker, I think because we looked at him as the baby. He became the second-generation addicted person.

The Mascot Entertains-Oh, this is definitely my sister and the fourth born (brother). They are all goofballs, always joking, the BEST impersonators. They seem to be escapists too.

The Lost Child Fades Away-And this is me. It sucks. But according to society's standards, I am probably functioning at the highest level of my siblings.

But of course we all have our strengths and weaknesses. The scapegoats DEFINITELY wound up having it worse than anyone else. I think maybe because they took more abuse over time? It's a more negative role than the others. The hero and the mascots have positive attributes (heroes are seen as more capable and reliable; mascots make people laugh and make tons of friends. The lost child is just passive and easily overlooked but that's not a bad thing. They just look for other quiet people to be with. Whereas the scapegoats fit in with other "Bad" kids.

I don't know; just my observations about me and my siblings and how we wound up, classifed by role type. I hope this was at least somewhat interesting.
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Old 10-15-2009, 03:48 PM
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Jay, I believe that all of the roles equally have there own issues (not necessarily good ones)

I was definitely the "lost child", I personally see how this role has contributed to my becoming a co-dependent adult.

as hello-kitty said "Your free Now" And you can take on any role you want.

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 10-15-2009, 03:51 PM
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First, I want to say that this statement is untrue: "the drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems." This is simply not true.
I agree, I didn't write it . Copied and pasted.

Many families are highly dyfunctional and alcoholism/addiction are not issues.
Mhm, I know. I was just curious about the roles...
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Old 10-15-2009, 04:42 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Many families are highly dyfunctional and alcoholism/addiction are not issues.
this was also true in my family, there were NO alcoholsim/addiction problems, but it was very much a dyfunctional family.
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Serenity Bound View Post
as hello-kitty said "Your free Now" And you can take on any role you want.
Why would I want to even be any of them?
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SpeedyJason View Post
Why would I want to even be any of them?

I think we all mean any role in the world you want...Not one of the types listed here. You can do anything - You have so much talent and intelligence and insight. You can be Jay Bird free to be whoever you want
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:43 PM
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Why would I want to even be any of them?
I like who I am and wouldn't have it any other way.
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Old 10-16-2009, 04:44 AM
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I've had my own observations on this through the years:

A family unit is like a mobile over a crib - each component has a "role" as the unit seeks equilibrium. This is a reality in every family and is not restricted to the "dysfunctional" ones. It is how a unit, comprised of different people, survives; and this is not to be seen as evidence of a dysfunctional system. This can be seen in any unit - at work, at church, in any organization.

But here's the difference. The more dysfunctional the family, the less ability for the different members in the family to be fluid in what role their personality bends them to. In other words, in the alcoholic family, the child who is the "scapegoat" is always the scapegoat. But in a more healthy family, that child may be a scapegoat in some situations but in other situations be any other role and in his/her whole lifetime have been in all the roles (except those restricted to the parents). The roles always have to be there for the unit to exist, survive, and thrive. But individuals within the unit can change roles without the unit becoming so out of balance that its existence is threatened.

Just my thoughts. Hope that helps somebody, anybody.
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Old 10-16-2009, 06:44 AM
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I was probably 36 years old before I witnessed a truly healthy, largely-undysfunctional family. The one difference I noticed between this family and all the rest I had known in my life is that the father was a good, moral, and strong person who had established very healthy parent-child relationships with his sons. I also noticed he served as a mentor and friend to the boys, but did not expect them to be his friend (related to supporting, advising, or sharing his adult issues).

I agree with sojourner how these roles do exist in all families and I'd like to add that in healthier families, the roles are not as strong as in unhealthy families. Meaning, the child doesn't get forced into a role, or otherwise pegged as one thing or another day after day; and there's no drama, yelling, and blaming of the child for one little thing he does or says.
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