The good news is, by making the changes now, you can avoid MY worse night. My worse night involved being black out drunk, lots of men and a hot tub, and my then 21 year old daughter being the one to relate my out of control behavior the next morning.
She grew up with a drunk. Its took about 3 months to forgive myself, but I have to tell you it was a MAJOR turning point in my recovery. You are not a monster. You are a loving mother, and you are making the realization that you want a better life for your children and for yourself so much sooner than I did, good for you.
We would be monsters if we didn't feel so ashamed, and if we just kept doing hideous things. Monsters don't come here for help, welcome