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The worst thing I ever did

Old 10-14-2009, 07:51 AM
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The worst thing I ever did

I need to confess the worst thing I have ever done, which happens to be a few days ago. First, I want to confess a little background into the events that got me to this point.

In college I binge drank on weekends with all my friends. It was SO much fun! I wasn’t too worried about myself because I still made good grades and held down a job… Plus, I wasn’t drinking any more or less than anyone else I knew.

After college I started to struggle. I gradually started drinking about every other night. When it became difficult to find people to go out with me this frequently, I started drinking by myself at home. I still held down a job and was a high achiever at work. I hated myself though. I was powerless to stop and I knew it. I’d get bombed one night, have hangover the next day and not drink, get bombed, have hangover… etc. I also had some incidences were I embarrassed myself horribly. I get really happy and social when I drink. Drinking at home by myself I would drunk-call friends and family. I was not in denial whatsoever. I was an alcoholic. This period of my life lasted for 5 years.

After I tried and failed to quit, I got pregnant. I stopped immediately smoking and drinking. When my son was born, I never started smoking again but drinking was a problem again. I wanted to do it differently though. I thought I could control it. I tried to limit myself to drinking 1 night a week only. I started running with a group and eating healthy in order to manage this. I was proud of myself… but I still had a problem and it was hard to deny. I would still embarrass myself because of my drinking. Weddings were the worst. The feelings of guilt and shame were unbearable. The problem was that I loved feeling happy and carefree when I drank, but I hated that I couldn’t control myself. There’s a country song that applies to me, “If I have one, then I’ll have 13….” It's so true. When other people around me drink, I see them just relaxing having a good time. I, on the other hand, turn into a crazed monster... I down drinks fast and only start relaxing when I start feeling drunk. Then, I usually blackout and do embarrassing things. Eventually, the 1 night a week turned into 2 nights... I knew where this was going... I did not want to return to the every other night thing. My poor son deserved better than this.

So I got pregnant again. I think deep down I was thinking that last time I was pregnant I quit smoking for good…. This pregnancy I can do the same thing with drinking. So I’ll quit drinking for the pregnancy and I’ll have 9 months to think about how to not start drinking again after. First trimester was NOT hard to NOT drink because I was so sick. Now that I’m in the second trimester, I don't have any pregnancy sickness. I have started to think about drinking again. Like maybe I can handle it after I’m no longer pregnant. Like I can’t wait until I can drink again. I would imagine fun times I could have while drinking when I’m not pregnant. I could have drinking barbeques in the backyard. I could throw drinking dinner parties. I knew that if I ever was going to quit for life, this was the best time to do it… but I wasn’t sure anymore I wanted to. I prayed for guidance.

And I got it this weekend. I am 17 weeks pregnant right now. My husband was drinking beer while watching football. I was having a great day. I was happy. I figured I could drink 1, maybe 2, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I mean, those European women drink wine while prego, right? The problem is if I have 1, then I have 13. I am powerless when I have even one sip… even when I have a supreme reason to have power over this. I think I intentially did not consider that when I decided to drink. What did I do? I got my unborn baby drunk. I think I had 10 but I'm not quite sure because I was hiding the evidence of how many I drank from my husband. To make matter worse, I drunk called my grandmother and another friend. My grandmother called my mother… my mother calls me and knew instantly how drunk I was.

So here I am. I am disgusted with myself. I feel like the MOST horrible person in the world right now. I have never drank while pregnant before and I will never again, but none of that matters anymore because I did this time. I hope I didn't damage this baby.

I have no idea how to address this with my mom and my grandmother.
My Dad and sister are major alcoholics who get drunk everyday, get DWI's, have trouble with jobs, etc. I know my mom and grandparents knew I had also had issues with it… but I’ve always been the responsible high achiever of the family and no one ever talks to me about me having a problem... Compared to my dad and sister, I don’t think they worried about me as much. This always feels so isolating... because I know I'm an alcoholic, but I don't tell anyone other than my husband because I don't want to worry them. They worry so much about my dad and sister... always putting out fires. My mom always says, "Thank God, I have one functioning daughter".

I have decided this though: This humiliating and disgusting incident was sent to me by God. I feel SO VERY guilty and shameful that I got drunk when I as 17 weeks pregnant. This is by far the worse thing I have ever done. I think God knew I needed this to push me over the edge. My desire to never drink again has never been so strong. I must be determined and I must put the whole force of myself toward the goal of never drinking again.

Last edited by LBW; 10-14-2009 at 07:54 AM. Reason: clarifying
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Old 10-14-2009, 08:57 AM
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I honestly don't even know what to type to you, and I probably shouldn't be. I'm also pregnant, 32 weeks as of today. I suppose I could throw a bunch of "how could you"s and "shame on you"s your way, but you knew how bad this was before you did it, and still chose to.. ultimately you're the one with the responsibility. I do hope that your baby is ok. And you're right, for every drink you take, your baby takes THE SAME drink. At 17 weeks a fetus is around 5 inches from head to butt. I don't know if you feel him/her kicking quite yet, but as I type this, I have a mini kickboxer in my belly reminding me how much more important just about everything else in the world is, besides MYself and MY wants.

My only advice to you would be to really really think about your priorities. Come clean to your obstetrician so they can at least do some extra checking to make sure your baby is ok.. not doing that would be incredibly irresponsible in my opinion. As for mom and grandma, don't blame them for being horrified.. but I'm sure they're also sad, and scared for your well being, and that of your children. If you would drink now.. when wouldn't you? That would put the fear of you know what into anyone who's involved in your life.

See and I said I wasn't going to type much. PLEASE get help. PLEASE get your baby's wellbeing checked by your OB.. maybe coming clean will force some added accountability on you. Approach this as the wake up call from whatever higher power you believe in that it is, and hold on to the change in your life that you can make now, that will benefit both of your children for the rest of their lives.

I commend your honesty, but now it's your job to do the right thing moving forward from here.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:09 AM
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LBW, I feel your pain. You are not a bad person. You are a sick person.

There are a lot of similiarities between your story and mine. My parents are alcoholics, and I am the high acheiver kid in the family. I have two kids. I finally scared myself sober 6 years ago. Life is good without alcohol. I am a much better mother.

Why not get help? You are risking losing your kids if you don't stay stopped. Maybe you don't need help, but the stakes are awfully high.

Keep posting. Stay stopped.
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:18 AM
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Old 10-14-2009, 09:39 AM
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I feel so bad for you. Please try to forgive yourself. What is done is done. I am sure your baby is just fine. As long as it taught you a lesson to never let it happen again. I can tell this has greatly upset you but you need to let it go. You still have a long time to be pregnant and you don't want to put all that guilt and stress on your body right now. Just chalk it up to another experience that you learned from and go on. I repeat that your baby will be just fine.
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:16 AM
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Get yourself to a meeting or something. or keep posting here.
I'm sure one incidence of alcohol did nothing to your baby but you need to prevent it from happening again.
I also struggled with drinking during my second pregnancy. I had a few a few times during the pregnancy after not even touching caffeine or anything remotely harmful for the first one. Definitely an indicator that this was getting out of hand for me. My son is fine but you can't risk it.
Tell your husband how serious this is...he will join you in not drinking if he knows how important this is to his unborn baby's health I'm sure.
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Old 10-14-2009, 10:56 AM
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Flutter,

There's no need to make me feel more guilty. It's been 4 days since this happened and I have never in my life felt so ashamed, so disgusted with myself. I absolutely know how big the baby is and what stage of development it is in. This post is the first time I have ever told my complete history with alcohol to anyone other than my husband. I have never asked for help from anyone regarding my drinking. I have always tried to deal with it by myself.

I guess I am a high functioning alcoholic because other than some embarrassing moments I have never hurt anyone or myself because of my drinking... that is until now. Now I hurt an innocent baby. You don't think I hate myself. There's no way to make me feel lower than I do right now.

As for my priorities, I have been very actively trying to improve myself and be the best parent I can since I got pregnant with my first. I actually ended up quiting my very high paying successful career to be a stay-at-home mother. We have had to make many adjustments in our standard of living to accomadate this. No one who knows me, including my husband who knows even this alcoholism secret, would say I wasn't anything but a good mother.

I guess I am just going through a process of finding out how very unable I am to control myself when I drink. After my son was born I tried to control it. You don't know how many changes I made in my life to make myself a better person. For almost 2 years I only drank on Saturday nights. Given, of course, I pretty much humilated myself every Saturday... I did things like go to weddings and when everyone else sat down to eat the meal, I would be the only person still on the dance floor... When children came out to dance with me, I accidently knocked one down with my wild dancing. Talk about embarrassing!

When I started realizing that I couldn't contain myself to only 1 night a week anymore... I kind of half-consciously decided I needed to quit but I didn't know how. So when my husband said he wanted another child, I agreed. Like I said, I quit smoking after the first pregnancy... I was thinking that I could use these nine months of sobriety to analyze myself and figure out how I can achieve permanant non-drinking.

I clearly fell off the wagon in the biggest way possible... I did so because my head wasn't right. I don't know what is wrong with me. I hate myself. You don't think I know what my mother and grandmother think of me?? You don't think I know clear well why they have every single reason to be scared. For all they know, I do this all the time and I don't have a conscience about it.

I don't know if I can handle confronting anyone else about this right now. Just talking about it on this message board is hard enough. What tests could my OB run at this point to determine if there was damage done? I think all that would result from me telling her would be that she would judge me and hate me... and every week I would have to see someone who despised me. I couldn't handle that... I imagine I would just get more and more depressed. Maybe this is what I deserve. But in my experience, I don't make positive changes if I wallow in depression. I can't be a good mother if I am in that state.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:16 AM
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I think you are very brave for coming here and posting. And, I think your life will only go uphill. Cheer up, and think and stay positive, for yourself and your family...
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:18 AM
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First of all LBW, welcome to SR. I'm glad you've decided to post here for support and to reach out for help. I think it's pretty rare for us to pass judgement on one another in recovery, we've all got our own wreckage of the past that brings and binds us together.

The past is the past, you can't change what's already happened, but you can change your thinking and correct your actions in the future. I wasn't sure how to respond to this thread, my spouse stopped drinking when she became pregnant and stayed sober throughout her pregnancies so our kids were born clean and healthy. No worries, right? But (and there's always a but in the stories of this alcoholic)......

As my kids were growing I was the alcoholic nightmare in the home. I put on a facade of the perfect father and husband, getting up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes, I wanted everyone to think I was Mr. Wonderful. But behind closed doors I was shaking them and slapping my hand over their mouths when they cried and fussed, I couldn't stand that sound that grated on my nerves when I was hungover. Sometimes our playtime would be too rough, they both had their noses broken when I'd spin them around and make them dizzy, then they'd run face-first into a wall. I dropped my son on his face (drunk of course) and split his lip and chin open.

I've got a lot of stories like that. Some father, huh?

But the people in my life and recovery that've known me for awhile also know that my children are the greatest gifts I have in my life, and we have a very close and loving relationship. For the past 4 1/2 years they've stuck by me and supported me in my journey in recovery with the help of AA and these forums. It's nothing short of a miracle.

Nothing is irrepairable in some way. I couldn't save my marriage but by staying sober and working a program of recovery, I was able to build a new life with my children, we've got a new home and we're strengthening together as a new family. Honestly, I wouldn't take that old life back for anything.

This is an opportunity for you to stop for good, you can decide that this will be your bottom and focus on a plan of recovery for the future. I hope you'll stick around and continue to share.
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Old 10-14-2009, 11:36 AM
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Hi LBW,

Thank you so much for sharing your story and what you are going thru right now. It helps me to get my own drinking into perspective because I also am a binge drinker whose history is very similar to yours. I would like to point out a few things for you in response to your last post. I hope something I say here is helpful to you in some small way.

There's no need to make me feel more guilty.
Please try to understand that no one can MAKE you feel anything. I'm not arguing with you or Flutter here; what I am saying is that YOU have the power within you to decide how you are going to feel. I know this may sound ridiculous but it is true and I have had to learn this for myself. It takes work to get to the point where you accept this power and learn how to take the power over your feelings back from those you have given that power away to.

It's been 4 days since this happened and I have never in my life felt so ashamed, so disgusted with myself.
Sweetheart, please try to find the power within yourself to forgive yourself, ask forgiveness from your Higher Power, and release these negative and stressful feelings. I'm no expert but I am willing to bet that the continued effects of your stress is more dangerous to your unborn baby than one night of binge-drinking. The stress hormones that are being released into your bloodstream are harmful to the human body when maintained over long periods. Please do something to relax your body such as take a bubble bath or do some yoga, or go for a walk. Anything to release the stress and calm yourself.

I have never asked for help from anyone regarding my drinking. I have always tried to deal with it by myself.
Me, too. Until now. You and I are going thru the same thing in this department. Have you ever heard of Alcoholics Anonymous? That is my goal; to soon be able to get myself to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and reach out for help. Perhaps if you also gave it a try, that would benefit you and the baby.

Now I hurt an innocent baby. You don't think I hate myself. There's no way to make me feel lower than I do right now.
LBW, I think the alcohol is out of your bloodstream by now, right? So, what is done is done and there is nothing you can do about it. Breathe deep. In 12-Steps like A.A., you learn a concept called "Living in the Present Moment." Thru doing the stress-relieving things and PHYSICALLY talking your feelings out with others, you can help yourself back to the Present Moment. Every time you start thinking about what you may have done to the baby by drinking, and feeling the hatred and guilt, bring your focus back to today, right now, and breathe deep.

I clearly fell off the wagon in the biggest way possible... I did so because my head wasn't right. I don't know what is wrong with me. I hate myself.
Please let go of the hate. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You probably have the disease called Alcoholism. Please learn as much as you can about this disease. That is a good first step.

You don't think I know what my mother and grandmother think of me?? You don't think I know clear well why they have every single reason to be scared.
A way of thinking about this that may be helpful to you is this: When I am worried about what other people think and feel, I remind myself that the FUNCTION of our social circle is to regulate the behavior of the members of that social circle. It is easy to get caught up in the emotion and drama that is generated within our social circles. With this understanding of social relationships, you can step out of the emotion and drama and disappointment and fear, and everything else that might get thrown at you. You will be able to SEE that what they are throwing at you is simply a means of trying to regulate your behavior related to drinking while pregnant. It is a healthy thing for them to do. And it would be the healthy thing for you to accept this calmly and ask them for their help in abstaining from drinking while you are pregnant.

I don't know if I can handle confronting anyone else about this right now. Just talking about it on this message board is hard enough...judge me and hate me... and every week I would have to see someone who despised me. I couldn't handle that... I imagine I would just get more and more depressed.
I cannot offer medical advice and you already know whether or not you should tell your doctor at this point. I can suggest that you surround yourself with people who will NOT judge you, will NOT hate you, who will UNDERSTAND exactly how you feel, and who will NOT try to cause you to feel guilt. Alcoholics Anonymous or other 12-Step program.

Maybe this is what I deserve.
You do not DESERVE anything. You ESPECIALLY do not deserve to suffer and keep suffering this way. Take some positive steps in a healthy direction.

I believe you came here because instinctually you know what you need to do. Hopefully you can get some good, practical advice here on some next steps that you feel you are able to take.

Best wishes. Take care of yourself. It starts with you. And don't forget to eat your veggies!

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Old 10-14-2009, 11:59 AM
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to SR LBW So sorry to hear what happened between you & your baby.

Moving forward you have the best possible reason in the world to work your recovery program with true inspiration & passion. I look forward to reading about your recovery & the birth of your healthy child.

Please take care of yourself & your baby, you both deserve it.

Take Care,

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Old 10-14-2009, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Astro View Post
I think it's pretty rare for us to pass judgement on one another in recovery,
I wish what Astro said was true, but unfortunately I think people pass judgment on other's recovery a bit too often. The other thing is some people think a "tough love" or confrontational approach works at getting and keeping people sober, probably because it worked on them. For me, I was a broken person and had a lot of shame and so much self-hatred that I I was already my own worst enemy, adding that sort of stuff from other people was not going to work. I needed to be propped up not beaten down.

So all that being said, I think that you just need to get into a program of recovery. If you go to a couple of AA meetings and find that that works for you then you should probably do that or maybe get into private therapy or counseling. The benefit of the pregnancy is that it is an added incentive to stay dry. But since it is an outside thing (in a way), like "I'm going to stay sober for my pregnancy" kind of like "I'm going to get sober for my husband or job," it isn't really going to stick. The real work is emotional and needs to go on inside of you. While other things can motivate it, ultimately it is about you and for you.

People talk about being a dry drunk. Some people are opposed to that term. It basically means not drinking while not working any recovery and therefore not going through any other change. I have had a few periods of sobriety and one of mine was definitely a "dry drunk." If you compare that period to now, where I work hard at my recovery and have restructured my life inside and out, it is like two different worlds. My "dry drunk" was when I gave myself a few months to not drink. I knew it was just a little break— not permanent. This is similar to your pregnancy. There is something else about going into it with a permanency. You have to mourn alcohol, mourn your old self, and move on. It is cathartic and worth it. I am sure you can do it—you already have half the battle down and that is the sober one. If you get a solid recovery in place you will be able to heal old wounds and this new one and set yourself up so you will not relapse again.

Sometimes doctors can not be sensitive to addicts or alcohol problems. Don't let someone shame you unnecessarily. If you want to see a doctor whose specialty is addiction medicine you can look around these resources:

ASAM - American Society of Addiction Medicine
American Academy of Addiction Psychiatry
Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

Or for counselors (although a psychotherapist or social worker maybe a better option just make sure they know about addiction issues, unfortunately it is not a mandated thing in school...)

NAADAC
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:28 PM
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Astro,

Thank you so very much. My Dad quit drinking when I was 5 and started again when I was 18. During those 13 years, I had the best father anyone could ever want. He was my hero. He was always open with us about his alcoholism and the bad decisions he had made... but he was so optimistic and inspiring. He told me there is nothing you cannot do if you set your mind to it. He drove me to school every day while listening to self help tapes. We would discuss the concepts of self improvement and introspection... No one influenced me more than my Dad. Every single success I have ever achieved is because of his influence during this time.

But then, he lost his business in 1998 when I was 18... and he has never recovered. He started drinking again... and he got the biggest chip on his shoulder I've ever seen. He became bitter and indifferent toward everything. There is such a distance between us now. I don’t even feel like we know each other.

When I was in college, my sister moved in with me basically because I was trying “help” her. She was on drugs and an alcoholic. One night she was threatening to kill herself and then she tried to drive off drunk. She almost ran over one of our friends who tried to stop her from driving. I called my parents for help. I had a test the next day and I couldn’t deal with this by myself anymore. You know how my Dad reacted when he arrived? He said it was my fault that she was like this. That I pushed her to do drugs because I was always trying to push her into being like me instead of letting her be herself. My mother, the BIGGEST enabler I have ever heard about, told me just to go study at the library and they’d handle my sister. Ha! They were the ones who let her quit school at 17 and knowing full well she had drug problems encouraged her to move in with me 3 hours away from them while I was in college. I was dealing with her the best I could while trying to make good grades and hold down a job… I was only 20.

It’s sad because my kids may never know the Dad that raised me. He seems so uninterested in them. I think shame and guilt also makes him isolate himself…

Whew! I guess I have a lot of pent up anger over that. Over my old Dad, the sober one, abandoning me. The person who has occupied his body for the past 11 years is unrecognizable to me. I am no where near a place of understanding of myself or this disease… even though I have studied both my whole life. I feel so confused.

It’s funny I guess just now I realized something. I always thought my Dad used to be the biggest influence on my life until he started drinking again. Just right now, I realize he still influences me but not in the same way as before. The pain I feel just talking about this is so strong… I know it’s all related to how strongly I hate myself for drinking like him. I continue to be just like him.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:43 PM
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Learn2Live,

I have already re-read your post several times. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I really came here to find people who can relate and help motivate me. I have a lot of confusion right now about why I drink and how I can ensure I won't drink again after the baby is born. I need to work some things out.

I cannot tell you what your supportive words mean to me right now during this most shameful time of my life.

Thank you.
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Old 10-14-2009, 12:50 PM
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sfgirl,

I know exactly what you mean!! I think my first pregnancy, I was a "dry drunk". This one too (until the other when I fell off the wagon). Also, during the 2 years that I maintained a "only on Saturdays" drinking schedule... I was certainly a dry drunk. I kept myself busy with my son all day and then my running group each night to prevent myself from drinking... but that didn't really help me address the source of the problem... it wasn't the solution. I couldn't keep abstaining during the week and getting bombed on Saturdays only no matter how strong willed I am.

Thank you for this.
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Old 10-14-2009, 01:11 PM
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Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism 'Forum...

I'm glad you joined us and are planning to move forward.
Blessings to you and your family
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:07 PM
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LBW— check out the Women's Forum for more threads about pregnancy
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Old 10-14-2009, 02:33 PM
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The good news is, by making the changes now, you can avoid MY worse night. My worse night involved being black out drunk, lots of men and a hot tub, and my then 21 year old daughter being the one to relate my out of control behavior the next morning.

She grew up with a drunk. Its took about 3 months to forgive myself, but I have to tell you it was a MAJOR turning point in my recovery. You are not a monster. You are a loving mother, and you are making the realization that you want a better life for your children and for yourself so much sooner than I did, good for you.

We would be monsters if we didn't feel so ashamed, and if we just kept doing hideous things. Monsters don't come here for help, welcome
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Old 10-14-2009, 03:54 PM
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I can relate

Hey LBW....I can relate deeply to what you've shared and how you're feeling...I've found that what you're doing now-killing yourself with guilt and shame and remorse...is probably only slightly worse than the terror and bewilderment you feel...the panicky scenarios of "what if" and "if only"...and the ceaseless knowledge underneath it all that , as it stands now, you can't stop...I know the hopelessness and fear. It brought me to the point of a planned suicide- which I could justify because I would be doing it to save my kids from me...sick, huh? What I needed to realize was that I am sick...not bad. I have a disease..not a moral failing..BUT...I also have a moral obligation of the highest calling to change the situation..or...remove myself from my children for their own protection.
In my case, a sober ex-wife and a judge made that decision for me...and..looking back...I am grateful for that now...in my active drinking I almost killed my children...I drove drunk with them countless times...I left weapons and drugs within easy reach of their toddler hands...I brought them around people who were merely animals with names-like I was. I left them alone and unsupervised..I passed out for days while they crawled around my unsafe apartment....
This doesn't even cover all of it...I hit them...I stole from them...I lied to them...and on and on and on
I struggled for years behind the guilt and shame of my ugly truth...and it is true, all of it and more...but in my twisted sick alcoholic mind I was able to use my feelings to justify more drinking and similar behavior...thus hurting them all over again...FOR YEARS I did this....a vicious cycle that only could end in several horrible places
I can't stay sober if I wallow in the wreckage of my past...I can't. I can try every day to make amends for the things I've done, riskd with innocent lives other than my own that I've taken...but what I can't do is change it...I have to own it, admit it, sometimes grieve it with tears and self-loathing...but I have to let go or I can't get better....AA friends told me this over and over again TURN OFF THE ASS KICKING MACHINE...if its got a name you didn't invent it...others have done what you did, what I did, and recovered...that means there is HOPE form all of us...me , you, your baby...all of us. Just think...stop now and that child never sees you drunk....never feels what my and millions of other children are subjected to by people like me...what I used to be...You can do this....If nobody told you they love you today...I want you to know I do.....There is hope...Rob
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Old 10-14-2009, 05:53 PM
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